The world

  The world is increasingly designed to depress us. Happiness isn't very good for the economy. If we were happy with what we had, why would we need more? How do you sell an anti-ageing moisturiser? You make someone worry about ageing. How do you get people to vote for a political party? You make them worry about immigration. How do you get them to buy insurance? By making them worry about everything. How do you get them to have plastic surgery? By highlighting their physical flaws. How do you get them to watch a TV show? By making them worry about missing out. How do you get them to buy a new smartphone? By making them feel like they are being left behind.

  To be calm becomes a kind of revolutionary act. To be happy with your own non-upgraded existence. To be comfortable with our money, human selves, would not be good for business.

Posting again to revive my blog, or is it really...

Goodbye

Lots of things to say and update but don't know where to begin.

I will be away from this blog for now. Taking a break, maybe a long one. I might not even update here anymore. Instagram and FB seem like a better platform, allows me to condense my thoughts into lesser words or just a picture. 

Thank you! Till then.. Cheers.

Ang Lee: A never ending dream

In 1978, as I applied to study film at the University of Illinois, my father vehemently objected. He quoted me a statistic: ‘Every year, 50,000 performers compete for 200 available roles on Broadway.’ Against his advice, I boarded a flight to the U.S. This strained our relationship. In the two decades following, we exchanged less than a hundred phrases in conversation.

Some years later, when I graduated film school, I came to comprehend my father’s concern. It was nearly unheard of for a Chinese newcomer to make it in the American film industry. Beginning in 1983, I struggled through six years of agonizing, hopeless uncertainty. Much of the time, I was helping film crews with their equipment or working as editor’s assistant, among other miscellaneous duties. My most painful experience involved shopping a screenplay at more than thirty different production companies, and being met with harsh rejection each time.

That year, I turned 30. There’s an old Chinese saying: ‘At 30, one stands firm.’ Yet, I couldn’t even support myself. What could I do? Keep waiting, or give up my movie-making dream? My wife gave me invaluable support.

My wife was my college classmate. She was a biology major, and after graduation, went to work for a small pharmaceutical research lab. Her income was terribly modest. At the time, we already had our elder son, Haan, to raise. To appease my own feelings of guilt, I took on all housework – cooking, cleaning, taking care of our son – in addition to reading, reviewing films and writing scripts. Every evening after preparing dinner, I would sit on the front steps with Haan, telling him stories as we waited for his mother – the heroic huntress – to come home with our sustenance (income).

This kind of life felt rather undignified for a man. At one point, my in-laws gave their daughter (my wife) a sum of money, intended as start-up capital for me to open a Chinese restaurant – hoping that a business would help support my family. But my wife refused the money. When I found out about this exchange, I stayed up several nights and finally decided: This dream of mine is not meant to be. I must face reality.

Afterward (and with a heavy heart), I enrolled in a computer course at a nearby community college. At a time when employment trumped all other considerations, it seemed that only a knowledge of computers could quickly make me employable. For the days that followed, I descended into malaise. My wife, noticing my unusual demeanor, discovered a schedule of classes tucked in my bag. She made no comment that night.

The next morning, right before she got in her car to head off to work, my wife turned back and – standing there on our front steps – said, ‘Ang, don’t forget your dream.’

And that dream of mine – drowned by demands of reality – came back to life. As my wife drove off, I took the class schedule out of my bag and slowly, deliberately tore it to pieces. And tossed it in the trash.

Sometime after, I obtained funding for my screenplay, and began to shoot my own films. And after that, a few of my films started to win international awards. Recalling earlier times, my wife confessed, ‘I’ve always believed that you only need one gift. Your gift is making films. There are so many people studying computers already, they don’t need an Ang Lee to do that. If you want that golden statue, you have to commit to the dream.’

And today, I’ve finally won that golden statue. I think my own perseverance and my wife’s immeasurable sacrifice have finally met their reward. And I am now more assured than ever before: I must continue making films.

You see, I have this never-ending dream.

文 / 李安

1978年，当我准备报考美国伊利诺大学的戏剧电影系时，父亲十分反感，他给我列了一个资料：在美国百老汇，每年只有两百个角色，但却有五万人要一起争夺这少得可怜的角色。当时我一意孤行，决意登上了去美国的班机，父亲和我的关系从此恶化，近二十年间和我说的话不超过一百句。

但是，等我几年后从电影学院毕业，我终于明白了父亲的苦心所在。在美国电影界，一个没有任何背景的华人要想混出名堂来，谈何容易。从1983年起，我经过了六年的漫长而无望的等待，大多数时候都是帮剧组看看器材、做点剪辑助理、剧务之类的杂事。最痛苦的经历是，曾经拿着一个剧本，两个星期跑了三十多家公司，一次次面对别人的白眼和拒绝。

那时候，我已经将近三十岁了。古人说：三十而立。而我连自己的生活都还没法自立，怎么办？继续等待，还是就此放弃心中的电影梦？幸好。我的妻子给了我最及时的鼓励。

妻子是我的大学同学，但她是学生物学的，毕业后在当地一家小研究室做药物研究员，薪水少得可怜。那时候我们已经有了大儿子李涵，为了缓解内心的愧疚，我每天除了在家里读书、看电影、写剧本外，还包揽了所有家务，负责买菜做饭带孩子，将家里收拾得干干净净。还记得那时候，每天傍晚做完晚饭后，我就和儿子坐在门口，一边讲故事给他听，一边等待”英勇的猎人妈妈带着猎物（生活费）回家”。

这样的生活对一个男人来说，是很伤自尊心的。有段时间，岳父母让妻子给我一笔钱，让我拿去开个中餐馆，也好养家糊口，但好强的妻子拒绝了，把钱还给了老人家。我知道了这件事后，辗转反侧想了好几个晚上，终于下定决心：也许这辈子电影梦都离我太远了，还是面对现实吧。

后来，我去了社区大学，看了半天，最后心酸地报了一门电脑课。在那个生活压倒一切的年代里，似乎只有电脑可以在最短时间内让我有一技之长了。那几天我一直萎靡不振，妻子很快就发现了我的反常，细心的她发现了我包里的课程表。那晚，她一宿没和我说话。

第二天，去上班之前，她快上车了，突然，她站在台阶下转过身来，一字一句地告诉我：”安，要记得你心里的梦想！”

那一刻，我心里像突然起了一阵风，那些快要淹没在庸碌生活里的梦想，像那个早上的阳光，一直射进心底。妻子上车走了，我拿出包里的课程表，慢慢地撕成碎片，丢进了门口的垃圾桶。

后来，我的剧本得到基金会的赞助，我开始自己拿起了摄像机，再到后来，一些电影开始在国际上获奖。这个时候，妻子重提旧事，她才告诉我：”我一直就相信，人只要有一项长处就足够了，你的长处就是拍电影。学电脑的人那么多，又不差你李安一个，你要想拿到奥斯卡的小金人，就一定要保证心里有梦想。”

如今，我终于拿到了小金人。我觉得自己的忍耐、妻子的付出终于得到了回报，同时也让我更加坚定，一定要在电影这条路上一直走下去。

因为，我心里永远有一个关于电影的梦。

A little update this year

Its been sometime since I posted something. Today is going to be a little update on my life. Yes beginning of the year I went for my final CC interview and as expected I did not get in. I went home with pride, held my head high and busy myself with more important things.

Casting was pretty decent got a few corporate and tv gigs. Got the opportunity to shoot and interview with 7-8 michellin chefs, about 1 chef a month/ This means I had about few hundred  dollars coming in very month.

In june I got to attend an award ceremony... just to share a little. I think it was in Oct last year that I chance upon this film competition. I went online to watched all the past entries in 2015, which was also the year that it started. So this year was its 2nd edition. The past entries many if not all, did not really wow me and the winning films did not even had any much of production value. I felt perhaps maybe because it was chinese language based platform and or the publicity was not done well enough. So i thought it would be great for me to take part.

Theme was "My Singapore Future". I had a strong urge to want to capture some of Singapore's old places and infusing it with Tsai Ming Liang style. Then I saw an ad done by LKS. Then everything started to make sense. Initially I pitch the story to my friend Kev. But somehow I felt he was just nodding and agreeing and saying "Lets do it!" for the sake of it and later on he will forgot about it and get busy again. So I borrow camera equipments from a friend because I had a wedding proposal to shoot and because I will be holding onto it for a month I think what was best for me was to shoot on my own for the worse case scenario.

I think not long after I chatted with Kev again and strangely this time he wanted to help me and even set a date for us to shoot which was very surprising to me. We had not shot anything for 4 years now. The concept was also simple and I thought if he pull out it was okie because I could handle on my own. If it flops it could well be my last short film as well as I was going broke. I guess Kev was free during that period and he decided to help.

Fast forward with all the work and effort put into our film, I started to have vision that I'm going to win many awards for this competition. No kidding... with all the prize money and splitting it with Kev I could possibly win 5-6k along and together over 10k of money. When all the entries was released I felt proud of our work because I knew I brought up the production quality and value to this year competition. Of course winning all the awards means winning best film (5k), most popular film (2k), best director (3k), most creative film (3k) and best actor (1k). The ones that I was really eyeing for was best actor and best director award, somehow I got feeling that most creative film was ours to take because none of the entries had such distinctive style like ours.

The result was we were nominated for most creative award and best film. We were runner-up for best film and won most creative film. We were not even nominated for best director, best actor and because we did not publicise our film on social media we were not in contention for most popular film.  A little disappointed on that but I was still so grateful that we won 2 awards and got $6k! I will released the film online early next year.

A month before the awards ceremony I was actually cast for a TVC. Here's a little about the casting process. I saw the casting call online and I applied to be a doctor in the tvc. There was a hospital scene and it needed a doctor role, the usual part where the doctor coming out of the theatre comforting the family members kind. It was probably brief scene and i thought this must be decent money for couple of hours of shoot. They called me up and ask if I wanted to go down for an audition and in my mind I was thinking, "huh this kinda role also need audition ah?". But heck I went for audition on sat morning.

The whole process was strange. I knew it was insurance ad but I didn't know the story. Did a few scene and in the back of my mind I was still thinking I'm a doctor or an executive. I knew there was 1 scene I was cooking in the hawker stall and another I was standing in my restuarant, proud of my achievement. I felt I didn't do very well, just average. A month later they called me and said I was selected to play the lead role. I was elated but acted calm. "Ya okie. let me know the shoot dates. I'm fine with rates. OK see u.bye". I wasn't overjoyed just happy because it means I had some more income coming in.

The shoot process was enjoyable. It is the ideal dream team. We had 2 directors from Philippines who flew in to direct the ad, we had the best gaffer in Singapore onboard, we had such professional art department team, we had wardrobe stylist that had worked on feature films before, and the make up artist, and the interns and everyone that was involved was great to work with. Even my co actors were so talented. And meeting the legendary chef was so awesome.

Initially when I'm done with the ad I though maybe its going to be online and I get the money and go. So far the response has been positively overwhelming. They had been spamming the ad on TV, online social media, youtube like crazy. It does gives me more recognition than I deserved. But I think it is still the entire team's credit. General audience would only see me and my co-actors who front the ad but I will always see the professionals behind this inspiring ad. Grateful for chef's investor that approved me, chef himself, the directors that believed that my average acting was well enough to front the ad and last but not least the insurance company that gave me this rare opportunity when I was broke, lost and confused about what I needed to do next in my life.

So suddenly I had more income coming in, I saved a little, gave my offering, went for church camp (perhaps my last because it was quite a disappointing one) and signed up for an acting course again.
Boy it was yet another eye opening experience for me. My class had so many people that had so much more exposure than me and there was so much to learn from them. 1 guy was the lead actor of a feature film, 2 guys took part in male pageant and 1 was overall champion and the other was 2nd runner up, we had 1 creative director. 1 host and couple of guys that had theatre experience.

I realised that Strasberg method wasn't really for me as it focus on sense memory. I don't really want to go back to the times I was heartbroken or sad and then show my vulnerable side to everyone when I'm working on a scene. I lean more on imagination and also because my life is pretty dull so there is really nothing much to tap on. So probably I will not take the intermediate class. I might take the writing class though. The biggest takeaway was the relaxation exercise as mentioned even by Ang Lee himself. The essence of all method acting is relaxation. When the mind is alert and the body is relax, emotions can flow easily.

At the end of the course we had to do a monologue. Half my coursemate  actually drop out of this showcase because of various reason. I too wanted to drop out because i wasn't doing up to expectations. But I had push many gigs away and spent too much time on my monologue to call it quit. So I did my first public showcase, to close to maybe 50 people. It was pretty scary 50 people judging you instantaneously and it is just you with no co actors.  It was so different from screen acting. Overall I think i did okie. perhaps 6.5-6.9/10. But I do feel that this experience definitely had push me to a greater level.

So that is my update so far. I'm still bit lost and confused if I'm heading to the right direction. If I'm even serving God's kingdom and glorifying or honouring Jesus with what I'm doing. In the world full of infinite choices, it is difficult to know what we want or if everything we do is the right way forward. Finances I'm way better than the past 2 years but I do not like to be comfortable. I want to push boundaries and step even further. Lord please show me your ways!

Being an Actor

Quote from David Ackert on being an actor

Actors are some of the most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day-to-day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, actors face the financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who think they should get real jobs, and their own fear that they'll never work again. Every day, they have to ignore the possibility that the vision they have dedicated their lives to is a pipe dream. With every role, they stretch themselves, emotionally and physically, risking criticism and judgment. With every passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of normal life - the car, the family, the house, the nest egg. Why? Because actors are willing to give their entire lives to a moment - to that line, that laugh, that gesture, or that interpretation that will stir the audience's soul. Actors are beings who have tasted life's nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their creative spirit and touched another's heart. In that instant, they were as close to magic, God, and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own hearts, they know that to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes.

Goodbye and Thank You

Decided to penned down my thoughts to make things official. About 2 years ago I had the thought of wanting to be a cabin crew (CC) with SIA. I decided to go for the interview after I get my driving license last year. After I got my license I procrastinated for awhile just to get to the right state of mind where I can gathered my courage, willing to give up acting and filming and leave my social circle to be focus for this job and just be at peace with my decision. That took almost 6 months. I only started going for the interview early this year. I have been to the interview 6 times. I went all the way to the management round 2 times. After I turned 29, I have never got passed the debating round.

I want to make it official that I will not be attending the interview sessions anymore after the coming one. It will be last one and that's it. If I get in I get in, if not no hard feelings. It think it will be a relief from the anticipation leading to the interview week, the intense moment where you wait for your results and the nervousness in the interview process.

I still want to keep the dream of being able to fly and travel the world alive but it will be different from being able to do it as a CC now. Many friends have advised to fly or try other airlines. I kept my options open be it trying prestigious or budget airline. But the feeling of donning your country's carrier uniform, representing your country is just different. I think to go aboard now and try to adapt another country's culture over a long period is probably not the right time. I just felt the timing just didn't suit me. So that leaves many airlines like Emirates, Qatar, Cathay and JAL out. I'm 29 and turning 30 soon. If I would be employed I will give my very best and work very hard serving the company. If not, I think it's the right time to move on. I may be labelled as the guy that never makes it to SIA but its okie. I will not be defined by this.

I still want to do acting and finished up my feature length script and produce it. Having make it official I think I'm not going to sit around and wait for the next interview dates anymore. It is probably time for me to see what better opportunities are out there for me.

Will I regret not going for the interview earlier? or better prepare myself when I was selected for management round? It is tough thinking about it but there is nothing I can do now. I have to say goodbyes in the right way. Not a decision that I make lightly. I think I would be able to learned alot from being a CC. About personal grooming, quality of life and many positive values. My dad, who I have never seen wearing formal wear, my grandmum who never understands why ironing shirt and keeping things neat and clean is important and my uncle who never put hearts into cooking. Not that it is bad but I always feel we as human can do better and not be mediocre in the way we lived our lives.

Having said that I'm just immensely grateful that I got to make it to the management round back to back. Constantly telling myself not to give up and to keep trying again after each failed attempt. Hearing how some applicants tried over 10 times and finally landing the dream job is heartening. The thought of going through all the interview process is not nice.After awhile I just felt this entire ordeal had make me got used to failing. I become comfortable being rejected, partly also because I never knew why I always fail the interview. But I have to start making decision that will work towards the path of success again. Thus my decision. I always had this apprehensive feeling when I passed the different stages. A voice always there to questioned me if this is what I really want? I would always go ahead with doubts. The feeling is different from when I take up film or acting assignments. I guess that doubts translated in my outlook during the management round and they might feel that I do not have the right personality or attitude for the job. I too cannot imagined myself handling difficult passengers or serving rude people.

That would mean that I will be continuing to doing freelance acting and filming but also I felt its time for me to be a little selfish for myself. Often times sitting at home I tell myself I'm not going to be an extra anymore. I don't want people to remember me as extra, split second appearance and for some bad performances. From now on I will be even more selective in the projects I do, more direct in my opinion. I'm prepared to get lesser opportunities and make more enemies now but I have been too nice to people who have walked all over me.

I need to start thinking what is next for me. I cannot be doing extra all the time. I think there is a greater purpose and higher calling for me as it is for everyone.

Having said all these. I'm proud of how far I have come. I have been honest and as real as I can be. Not been pretentious or me trying to be someone I am not.

5 Ways to overcome fear

Most of us have experienced fear in our lives at one time or another. It could be a last-minute sales presentation that you were asked to do as your colleague was absent for the day, going to unfamiliar places or even doing things that is totally new to you.

Fear has a powerful effect on our lives and work. It is necessary to remove fear from our lives to fulfil our potential. Here are some ways to reduces and eliminate fear.

1. Understand the cause of fear
First, one needs to believe wholeheartedly that the fear he or she faces is caused by his or her mind, instead of looking for an external cause.

Doing so would not only be futile but result in more disappointment and frustration. Turn inward and be responsible for your own emotions. The conditions you face are a reflection of your inner thoughts.

2. Keep fear in the dark
Instead of giving fear less attention, we tend to do the opposite. We talk about what we fear most, complain to family and friends and even write about it. The is because humans find comfort when they know they are not alone. Limit or eliminate the attention you give to fear. Focus on the desired outcome you want instead. Imagine your family congratulating you on your success.

3. Stay positive
The more we focus on the desired outcome, the more motivated we become, and the more we will seek bigger challenges that reward us with better opportunities and prospects.

Be positive and genuine, and cultivate friendships with sincere people. Be selective with the types of movies you watch as they can have a powerful effects on your thinking and decision making process.

4. Be self-reliant
When facing work or personal challenges, it is sometimes too easy to ask someone for advice to solve your problems.

Instead of seeking second opinions, quiet the turbulence within yourself. Learn to ask yourself differently questions and have patience. The answers or desired outcome will come to you. Nobody should know you better than yourself. We must reclaim the power that we already have within us and learn to be still.

5. Demonstrate commitment to your vision
During good or bad times, this means being able to hold on to your vision until it materialises.

How long it takes to reach the end point is the true test if we are indeed loyal to what we want. Changing course of giving up halfway means that our commitment is not strong. To succeed, we must imagine ourselves achieving the desired outcome. We need to hold on to this image until we attain our goals. It is important to gain clarity on our goals before we embark in ways to achieve it.

As author and lecturer Marlanne Williamson puts it: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves: Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small  does not serve the world. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Tell yourself with conviction that you are powerful, and in due course, your goals will accomplished. We must annihilate fear at all costs so that we can go on and shine for ourselves and be the light for others to follow.

Bit and Pieces in my 20s

Decided to blog about my experience living in my 20s before i hit the big 3. I know it is still 11 months away from being 30 but i'm afraid i might not have the time to reflect or blog about it when the time comes.

Highlights of my 20s:
Hit my 20 in May 2007. It was one of the most memorable experience. I remembered I just came back from Cambodia 2 months ago. Had fun and made a lot of great friends during my 16 days there. It is probably the longest time I'm away from Singapore too. I have some of them on my FB but unfortunately other than Gary, I do not keep in touch with any of them anymore.
Miss Penny went to study her PHD and is a mum now, Mr Soh has come out of the closet, Rena became a stewardess, Eric, Yi xian, Chu xiang are married. Eric had children. Hayden became an insurance agent, married with kids too. Guan Da and Pat got married to each other. Yvonne, Nurul and Meiqin are probably still in the nursing line but for the rest I totally had no idea where and what are they doing now.

I still remembered we still meet up often after that for BBQ and some charity works few months after.
During my 2nd last term in school, I was juggling between schooling and helping out in church camps during June/July period.

This photo was taken probably 1 day before I was hospitalised. I still remembered clearly that morning, I ate a lot of fruits during breakfast and little did I know that the fruits was not handled clean. I felt feverish after that but carried on with the activities and ate the seafood lunch which was one of the highlights of the camp. Within an hour I vomited everything I ate. We went shopping after that and I was scheduled for early return as I had school the next day. During that time I bought panadol and just sat at a corner resting and almost missed my ferry. I was scolded by the camp commander and I told him I might have got food poisoning. He was not very interested in what I was saying and was just so annoyed by my bo chap behaviour. (He is a super gan cheong person and did not fit into the church working environment and left full time ministry soon after that).

When I reached home I was just vomiting and having diarrhoea and headaches. I went to my house clinic and they gave me some medicine and I continued to school the next day. The next day, I felt worse and went back to the clinic and the doctor recommended me to the A&E. As I fell ill when I was overseas, I was quarantined for 2-3 hours until my blood test results are out.There was a policeman that stood right outside my room as well. That was the worse experience ever. Then the nurse just gave some painkillers and I was IV drip. My diarrhoea was all just liquid greenish and yellowish. After about 12-16 hours ordeal, I recovered and checked out. Hospital bills was about $160 and it was the first time in my life I was hospitalised. The following Sunday, Dennis told me that the next day after I left, many fell ill as well. The camp commander apologised to members who fell ill and even came to me and offered me a cake. I was totally not appreciative at all because of the attitude he showed me while I was so sick. He even said the resort offer a free 1 night stay for the church. Oh come on who wants to visit that place again.

Last quarter of 2007, I was assigned to a IT company for internship. I think it was quite a important phase of my life as I was like a working full time staff except that I was getting paid like $420 a month. I got used to working life quite fast.  And during this time I made a lot great friends as well in the company and this company was co-existing with another company, using the same premises and  all of them christians. Only my internship mate was not christian that time. The experience was invaluable that few years later I actually return back for a 2nd spell at the company.

21
2008 was the year that many things happened. Truly a transitional period for me. I returned to school after my 3 months of internship and finished my last term which was FYP. I think my FYP was a flawless project and very thankful for Derek for rendering his help like doing up a simple PHP script and poster design while I helped him in building content for his website. Look up 2007 post for how I hated my FYP supervisor for giving me a B+ and not knowing what I was doing.

After finishing school I was contemplating to go back to my internship company or work at somewhere new. So after much consideration I choose to work in Yamaha Plaza Sing. Mainly due to few reasons, I was once a student there, I loved music and Huihui used to work there for like almost a year when I was a student. From what she said, it seemed like a fun environment to work at. It was the most fun part time job ever. Knowing the cool staff, and most of my colleagues were into JPOP and Metal music that time so they had this long hair like a typical rocker. I even remembered when I was OTing because I was bit slow learning and executing certain steps and my colleagues helped or either waited for me just to chill out after that. I didn't go church during my time there too because Dennis was overseas for like 6 months and I had no friends in church thus there was no motivation to attend. I remembered celebrating my birthday chilling at a cafe watching chelsea game with Ian.

I left Yamaha like only after 3 months plus due to enlistment in June. During my enlistment day, my dad, grandma, cousin and his girlfriend organised a family breakfast with me and accompany me to Tekong. It was probably the last time I ever had any family meals after that. Army was tough for me and I was trying to lay low but deep in my heart I wanted to go OCS. I attempted to signed on pilot but was not selected and I did not get into OCS either. POP was in Sep and I went to SISPEC instead. Another 2 months of hell. In SISPEC I think worked harder than BMT but the more I initiated things, the more mistakes I make. My result in SISPEC was bad and I was posted to signal institute. A rare photo of myself during POP as I did not take any photos with my section mates and wanted to just go back home and rest. Sadly I'm not in touch in any of my BMT friends although I have their FB. Been through many life toughest challenges with these bunch of good friends.

22 (Life in Army)
I was posted to signal sch in late Dec. It was a culture shock for me because in SISPEC everywhere we go we are always running and we are always behind schedule. Weekend was just spent sleeping. But signal school was more laid back. The instructors were more cultivated as well, meaning they don't shout or punished you for no reason. We trained together with the officer cadets and commandos too so we got observed a lot about each other. We graduated in Mar and got our 3rd Sergeant rank. Unfortunately I, along with 3/4 our my platoon mates was posted to 3rd sig Bn. Hell unit they called it.

My 1 month plus there was crazy. We were treated just like recruits and weren't allowed to sleep on the bed during the daytime. Can't use vending machine and washing machine. Everywhere we go, we got to march and sing. You never know where this treatment will end till the day you get turned out that night at around 2am. You will get Tekan the whole night till 8am in the morning. CO will paste formation badge on you and tell you well done and you know it is over.

I was really thinking about reporting depression that time. My right bedside buddy reported depression 1 week into the unit and left the platoon to be a clerk and my left bedside buddy was drafted into Ops Spec meaning he will do office/admin work and it is a stay out vocation. This cause many to want to sleep beside me. And I was so afraid to be called out to be platoon IC.

Thankfully by God's grace, during my 2nd or 3rd week there, our PC asked if anyone is multimedia trained. I raised my hand and along with 2 other platoon mates we were asked to do a simple video for the division. That moment changed my life. Although I did not know anything about video I was learning everyday. After that video was done, we finished our UIP and for the next 5 months I became the pioneer videographer to shoot for NDPeeps platform. Imagined booking in on mon, tue to fri is just conceptualising and editing videos and attending media events. Sat rehearsing for NDP. Life was great. I think I spent my birthday in camp and on one really know about it that day. Hated those SaBo session when they celebrated people's birthday.

After NDP, I spent my sep short break on a road trip to KL with my bunk mates. It was my first experience and so far the only experience. After that it was hell for another 2 month plus as we were getting ready for division exercise in Taiwan next year.  I think I got my NYAA Gold award presented by the President during this time too.

I spent my Dec on a church camp with a bunch of youths. It was combined camp with other Diocese church. It was a good experience for me to observe other church. Never expected myself to be a youth leader that time and we were champions for the tally games.

My last week in 2009 was spent in HK. I went 1 day in advance and spent a day alone there while Dennis and his other friends will fly to HK from Beijing and reached on 2nd day afternoon. It was so scary that till today I don't know how I managed to do it. Imagine checking in to airport, boarding a flight and then finding your way to the motel and planing your trip for a day all alone. After checking in to motel, I went for a dinner and walk around Nathan street for awhile and went back to rest. The next day I went to MacDonald for free wifi and plan my way to Po Lin Monastry to catch the huge Buddha statue and see the filming location for infernal affairs. I got to do a little hike as well near the hilltop and gave up halfway due to lack of oxygen. By afternoon I quickly headed back and to joined Dennis and the rest. I must say the trip became more fun with those friends. The highlights were visiting wax museum, star avenue and ocean theme park.

These were my favourite photos taken during the trip. It was taken with my phone and although it looked kind of flat, I really like the visual composition. I even submitted them for my NTU ADM portfolio.


23 (Life After Army)
Jan to April was spent going outfield, checking vehicles and equipment and packing them for shipping overseas. Daily conversation in bunk was just about what to do after our NS. Some went on to study and some decided to work. Don't remember celebrating my birthday. And 1 day after my birthday I went to Taiwan. 21 days in Taiwan, that broke my record for Cambodia trip being away from home.

We spend first 3 days checking on equipments. Then another 2 days just waiting before we were activated for outfield for the next 12 days. The first 5 days was mentally challenging. We were camp at a huge field waiting for activation and I was the last vehicle to moved out. Then we were at an abandoned industrial area for another 2 nights. It was hard to sleep in the vehicle too. Next we went into a country side farming area for another 2 days. Finally our mission came,  we were to be advance party to setup monitoring system for the whole division while returning back from exercise. The division could only moved out or return after we setup the communication. So we were the first to know that exercise actually ended. In the next 48hours we went like 300KM ahead to the final destination camp site. There was 1 major  and a few MPs escorting our convoy. There was heavy rain, we went through cemetery, stopover at a temple and went through difficult upslope and long straight roads. Within our convoy there was even an accident that happened. Really memorable experience, dangerous as well. Felt like we completed a very important mission.

After 18 days in Taiwan army camp it was R&R. First day we went to some theme park and night market. 2nd and 3rd day I went with just Yong Li and Daryl to walk about and catch nice scenery. The rest went for hair cut and clubbing which I'm not very keen. But overall think i enjoyed the 2nd and 3rd day:)

After returning from Taiwan, I ORD. The next 2 months was just finding a job. I was very keen on being a filmmaker and don't mind starting from the lowest which is to be production assistant. After sending so many resume I got a job in a small production house.

I spent a few weeks preparing for this global scholar and leaders conference which turned out be some self proclaim events by some delusion individuals. The conference went on anyway for a week as I volunteered for it. Well to me it was another opportunity for me to make friends. After that I started my job as production assistant.

For the next 5 weeks, every day was hell and were so long. The producers were being difficult to me. Asked me to do house cleaning. Every other day buying food for the crew. Doing transcribing. Running errand and doing location recce with vague information given. I think once I worked 12 days straight and totally lost track of time. The director decided to let me go as he did not know what I can do when production start and deep inside me I was rejoicing. Hallelujah!

So I signed up a filmmaking course at Objectifs and make my first short film. Directing my first short film. I think the experience was better than being a production assistant. I bumped into a friend outside a tuition center while I was having dinner one day. He is the owner of the center and I randomly asked him if he is looking for people to hire and I started working there like a week later while learning at objectifs. It was during this time that I also started trying out acting and started to go for audition. We managed to screened our work in Dec and I was so excited to let people watch my film. Yay! Although only 1 friend came to watch my film.

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After working part time in the tuition center for like 4 months and doing acting, my savings was depleting. During this time my grandma passed away too. I decided to go back to my internship company as a full time staff. The decision was because I could save some money, pick up some part time filmmaking course and do shooting or act during my free time.

I went back in March. Officially celebrated my birthday for the 1st time and in the company during a meeting. Everyday was quite mundane in the company except during our company retreat. I thought we were going overseas but in all my time there we never had any budget. It only happened when I was an intern then.

Early Nov I went to a church conference with WM and Jo and their church mates. During that time I was thinking about leaving CHS. Spiritually I was not growing, i didn't had much friends there and went to church because I was serving not because of God. The conference crowd was huge we had maybe 500 people there. After the conference, we went to stayed in Kuta for 1 night and went to Ubud to stay for 2 nights. The villa at Ubud was serene and really nice. I hope I can return again one day. The Kuta night stay we went for post conference party. Cause me and WM to have slight diarrhoea. So we did not do any xiong activities during ubud stay. It was just chilling at cafe, went to monkey temple and trying out some of their local delights. I always prefer small group interaction like 3-4 people as compared to big groups. It was also during this time that Jo talked about leaving the job and leaving SG. I was thinking about making plans to leave too as I don't see a future in that company. 

Had a quiet Dec. I believed it was also during this period that Dennis and I consulted the CHS pastor at that time about reform in the church. I consulted Pastor Titus too but I came to realised how fake and bias he is and stop contacting him altogether.  3 months nothing was done and I left CHS.


25
Early the year I went back to saints alumni band and started practising my saxophone again to play for a funeral and huihui's wedding. I decided to spent the next 3 months taking part in a short film competition. My rationale was to give my 120%, win something and given internship with Jteam and got a valid excuse to quit the company. Sadly I did not win anything. Jo left the company in May and Andy left in Sep.

I auditioned for ABTM and became an extra. Shot with them for like 7-8 days with them. Then went for light and grip workshop with NCC. I started attending NCC but not on regular basis though. I joined the 48FHP, Fly By night and durex competition.

It was a hectic year as I need to covered up for Andy when he left and to continue pursue my passion in film.

26
This year I did not make any films. I decided to wait for the right timing when new staff came to solved our manpower issue but it never happened. One of the manager even quit after like less than 1.5 years into the job. So i decided to hold a little longer first. I prayed about it and there was no deliverance. Mar came, then I told myself perhaps May? May came and gone, nothing. Then I told myself Aug. Aug came and was about to end. I tender in end Aug and immediately 2 new staff came. I extended till Dec. I also went for my first NCC mission trip in Sep and did a couple of outreach shoot for church.

The photo sums up my year in 2013. A year of open doors, a year of close doors.

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Decided to signed up for a acting course and driving lesson. Did had a short spell with a wedding videographer to shoot 3 weddings and 1 corporate videos. I was helping Kevin for 3 corporate videos shoot. I thought he could used me on a regular basis like at least once a month but it never happened. We discussed about making short film too but all were just fruitless discussion. I started to formed friendship with my CG  mates too. It was a year that I was just grateful for everything in my life.

It was also partly cause my cousin got into trouble with the law and was convicted. The house has lesser negative energy and I could roam around and do many things alone at home. Seriously I can never understand his crazy ethnic. Tattooed his whole body, having a daughter and refused to marry his GF and doesn't want to work but want to have a car.

This is the year that many of my friendship outside of church are put to the test as well. And many I have lost touch.

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First half of the year I was just concentrating on few things. Acting, fitness and getting my driving license. Finally in June I got my license.

Decided to pick up a photography course in Aug. During that time my dog passed away too. I was so devasted and really blamed my grandma silently for the loss. But in a way I'm happy too because if it was still around it would suffer even more as my grandma is just not capable to take care of it.

Went for my first church camp in 6 years and really enjoyed it. But it really felt different in a way that previous camp I'm either organiser or leader in the group. Being in NCC made me even more passive and I just want sit around and just be a member or spectator.

Friends in the CG starts to leave and the worse part, is the announcement of the split of CG. Most if not all the people that I'm close with or could relate to are assigned to the new CG. I remained in the same group.

I also managed to get an acting job that paid me $1k for 8-9 days of filming. Probably the highest since I started acting. Decided to end it with a photo below. The photo is taken during my photography course. Really touch me to see the relationship between man and God. I see so much humanity and sincerity in this picture.

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This year I faced the strongest spiritual warfare ever in my christian life. I went for 3 job interviews and was rejected. I find it so difficult to connect with my current CG mates. I had so little acting jobs and zero corporate video shoot. With all this happening I decided to stop attending church and CG meetings. So far it has been a month since I stopped attending church. 

Perhaps it is time to explore other CG and the best time to leave. I'm a bit tired of exploring too actually. The process of being in a new environment, getting to know new people and building relationship all over again is just tiring.

This 2-3 years, people have come and go into my life in an extreme pace, and my surroundings  changes all the time. Be it in work or church. However, I believe that much of what's inside me hasn't change. I am thankful to the people for their support and concern towards me. It had made me realised the value of friendship and to let go of those that are meaningless. I hope not to develop this habit of laziness in me because when I'm not working i'm either slacking at home, watching films or reading. Sometimes I don't see progress. When this happens, specially when there is no work for 1-2 months,  everyday or week becomes long and meaningless. Almost unimaginable at times and I do not how to explain to the people around me about what I do everyday at times. 

Despite temporary moments of happiness that I find, there is always this emptiness that seems impossible to fill. I wondered at times why God made human relationship so complicated. 

In any case, bearing in mind of how blessed I am, I will move on. And carry on living. 

Few days ago I was acting as a father. The children were adorable and the experience made me reflect on many priorities in life.

I have tried, and I will try even harder in everything I do. I may not have the biggest things in life but I will always take comfort in the little ones that I have. Everything shall come to pass. And it will just get better.

I have spent a big bulk of time watching many quality films and relearning acting all over again. And I shall announced that I'm in the scripting stage for my first feature length film. I hope to produce and act in it. I am 1/3 through the script for my 1st draft. In the next 10-11 months I planned to finished the story and perhaps carry on going for interviews. Thereafter I will save up, take a break for a year or so before I go into development hell.

My early 20s has been really exciting but not much into my late 20s. This sums up my past 10 years. There are posts that I wrote more in details, like driving experience, acting and filming career and my past full time job. By the Grace of God I am where I am now. I hope in the next 10 years, more exciting things is to come. More friendship develop and more films to be made!:) Peace

Setbacks . Failures . Roadblocks

I decided to take this time to write a post in regards to what happened recently. Picking up from Oct, I was busy doing a few gigs, I took a 2 months break and I think I was well paid for the jobs so I waited for the ultimate moment for the ultimate job that I was falling back on. It was in early Jan and I did not prepare much. I managed to cleared all the rounds of the interview till the final round. After that would be medical check-up. I did not know what was to come. I think I could have prepared better. The question asked was typical and probably they wanted clique answer. I beat around bushes, thinking back, I think my respond was kind of too serious, so to speak. The outcome of the interview was immediate. The HR came out and said to me "Eugene, you did not make it. Thanks for coming."So i failed and i left the place. The scene of me walking out along the long hallway to the carpark right to my bus stop feels like i'm voted out from survivor or apprentice show.

I was moody for awhile, maybe 1 week. And i decided to try again for the interview in March. In the meantime I was desperately looking for any ad hoc jobs available and went for a few extras role. I signed up for the stanislavski course. I'm thankful that the few roles that I got paid for and my cny ang hao money covers the course and a bit of my living expenses. The course was invaluable and fun. Make a few friends and most importantly i discovered so much more in-depth stuff about performing which I could not have otherwise.

One incident struck me during these period was when I was supposed to do a very small role for TV. I read my lines and i think i'm good. Then came all the veterans and we rehearsed, I got a bit nervous but was still able to listened to direction. When actual take came I fumble my lines. Then the actors corrected me, I was okie, I was alright although I tell myself why was it necessary because the lines are simple. AD wanted to change the line because of technical issue then director said better not. He said so simple line already cannot still want to change ah? No no no. Finally I did my best and left. I don't think I did well judging from the playback I watched but everyone moved on because it was just a very minor role and nobody gives a damn. The veterans had at least 10 to 20 times more text than mine and they fumble here and there. But its okie, its their show and have to do it till they get it right.

Another minor role came and I got over it for awhile. But everytime when I think about it even now gets me disturb. Not because I didn't do well. But the skeptical mindset of people working in the tv drama department. Just because we are in a certain category doesn't mean we are at our limitation with no rooms to improve. And I think every actors are different because we are human beings. Executing "sad" doesn't mean there is only 1 standard way of doing it. Likewise for any other expression. We shouldn't mimic. But why is it they accept mediocre standard and think it is what they or the audience want?

Another issue is at one time I can be a playing lead for a documentary drama and the next moment i'm playing an extras or minor role in the next project. This is definitely challenging me in many ways because there is no way I can tell if i'm developing my career or improving my performing. I'm just living through the motion, because of what life throws at me, I cannot be picky at every single projects. I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel, I'm living each day trying to move forward. Which is why I wanted to gave up or perhaps take a break. And to add on, something is not very right here, in the past 2 years when I applied for 10 castings in a month, I get called for 1-2 auditions. This year haven't been nice despite whatever fengshui master says or even what Pastor mentioned. These 2 months I have applied for over 20 castings and only 1 replied. I'm even afraid to acknowledge that I'm an actor because of fear. Fear of expectation, fear of judgement, fear of attention maybe? I always tell people this is my hobby, what I do part time. But no this is my calling I know it very clearly. I want to do it for as long as I can if possible.

To date, I had went for 65 auditions, 32 auditions since I quit my full time job. Been involved in 64 projects, of which 55 as actor, and of which close to 40 projects as an extra. In the end I know it is just a number. When I looked at my CV, yes I have made money from the jobs but on the whole, looking at it from a bigger picture I know I made big big sacrifices. Minus off living expenses, my driving course and the courses I have taken over these 2 years, I think I made losses, that is including opportunities cost loss.

Fast forward to Mar, I went for the 2nd time interview. I made it all the way to the final round again. This time I'm more prepared. I was praying very hard and even told some of my friends about it. I did not have any vision like I did for my driving test. Despite having been through the process I am still anxious. The final round was delayed. The time came, while walking towards the long pathway to the center I even thanked God that I managed to be able walked this path again. It is surreal really. I don't think many can do likewise.  I managed to answered every question smoothly. Too smooth I feel. The wait for the outcome was longer than the 1st time. The HR guy came and said "Eugene, Thanks for coming. You did not make it." I was devastated. But different from the 1st time. Because I know I wouldn't change anyway on how I replied the interviewer. Was it down to luck? I really don't know. The encouragement from the people around me was try again. My peers even say i'm an old bird already because I'm experienced in the interview process. Truth is i'm not old bird but a damn loser that had never make it pass the final round.

This experienced made me reflect on many things. Like I should have quit my full time job eariler. 3 years is too long to stay in a job you know you are not going to develop a career on. I should went for the interview earlier too and not at the start of this year. Age may played as a factor but I don't know. Now my savings could only last me till the end of the year. I'm beginning to wonder if I have been in a delusion and if i have make the right choices. Will I try again for the interview? Pretty tiring process I assure you. I loved to but the waiting time also proves challenging to my patience. I should not have take it as a backup plan like as though I can passed all the rounds like a boss. When it is not your priority and one day you make it your utmost priority, it might be too late. It all started with a dream to fly. I will try again and see how. When I feel it is time to move on, I will. Now I got an interview to teach and i'm also equally excited.

Church life haven't been smooth as well. My cg leaders are pragmatic. With them around, you will never feel destined to reign or feel like this is the day the Lord has made. And the only time they would contact me is when they needed my assistance. As i'm writing this now at this very moment I have decided to chao geng today's cg. I was asked to serve and I agreed but now that I think about it, I feel like I need to be accountable to the leaders, the members and fellow servers.I'm sorry Jesus. I have to be honest I have been pretty jaded with life.. not work as I don't have a job. I was supposed to share devo once every 2 weeks and I wondered if anybody really read the chat group or if it really impacts anyone despite so much effort put into it. Feel like saying 老子不干了! 


Ministry is the same, either they called you up to serve or it is just devo if not workshop. One thing about the group setting in ministry or cg meeting is there is always breakup to groups to share about life. How is our life is going and I really have nothing to share. I haven't really got a life. A day can passes by and all I did is just applying for 1-2 casting, reading a book, going out for a jogging. I don't even interact much. I don't know how people feel. Maybe that I'm just a mysterious person or I good for nothing. Sometimes I really do feel like sharing. Like oh i'm stuck at the certain stages in doing my plot of my feature length script. or i'm doing research for my script. Do people understand or will they be interested? oh will it be "wow you are making a movie?!". I'm just afraid when I shared, people are more interested in what I do then the problems I faced.

Nothing has been right for me this year. Looking back at my last year post about driving and telling myself one day if i really got the job, nobody will bothers if you have tried 1 time, 3 times or 5 times or 20 times. Having said that I hope I don't break a record for the biggest loser for trying so many times without getting it though. I'm even embarrass to tell those I know that i'm applying for this job for sometime now.

Now what do I do now? coz I don't what to do..Lord Help! I'm in need of your Grace. Finding Grace...

Failure

The secret of success is a magic potion called "failure"
Hear ye hear ye. All fans of Harry Potter. When the real headmistress of Hodwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry speaks, all of you do well to listen. Of course, we are not referring to Albus Dumbledore, the fictional head of the school, but the maestro behind the masterpiece. Joanne Rowling or J.k Rowling as she is better known. Life was not always a bed of roses for Ms Rowling.

Before she was successful she hit "rock bottom" -as she experienced the death of her mother, divorce and poverty some years after her graduation. But unknown to many, it was such "failure" that made her the billionaire that she is today.

In her own words, this is an excerpt from her commencement address, aptly called "The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the importance of imagination", which she delivered at the Annual Meeting of the Harvard Alumni Association in 2008.

The importance of experiencing failure
"What I feared most for myself at your age was not poverty, but failure. I am not dull enough to suppose that because you are young, gifted and well-educated, you have never known hardship or heartbreak.

Ultimately, we have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure, but the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it. So I think it is fair to say that by any conventional measure, a mere 7 years after my graduation day, I had failed on an epic scale.

An exceptionally short-lived marriage had imploded and I was jobless, a lone parent, and as poor as it is possible to be in modern Britain, without being homeless, The fears that my parents had had for me, and that I had had for myself, had both come to pass, and by every usual standard, I was the biggest failure I knew.

Now, I am not going to stand here and tell you that failure is fun. That period of my life was a dark one, and I had no idea that there was going to be what the press has since represented as a kind of fairy tale resolution, I had no idea then how far the tunnel extended, and for a long time, any light at the end of it was a hope rather than a reality.

So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant s stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me.

Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realized and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not lived at all - in which case, you fail by default.

Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attain by passing examination. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected. I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above the price of rubies

The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity.

The power imagination
"Imagination is not only the uniquely human capacity to envision that which is not, and therefore the foundation of all invention and innovation. In its arguably most transformative and revelatory capacity, it is the power that enables us to empathize with humans whose experiences we have never shared.

One of the many things I learned at the end of that Classics corridor down which I ventured at the age of 18, in search of something I could not then define, was this, written by the Greeks author Plutarch: What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.

That is an astonishing statement and yet proven a thousand times every day of our lives. It expresses in part, our inescapable connection with the outside world, the fact that we touch either people's lives simply by existing.

We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already, we have the power to imagine better"

Wisdom from Jack Ma

Great leaders do not fade away. They just step aside so that the next generation can take over and take the organization to greater heights. That's what Jack Ma, the charismatic man behind Alibaba Group did, even when he was at the height of his career. The billionaire stepped down from his post as CEO of Alibaba Group as of 10 May 2013.

That day was coincidentally the 10th anniversary of Taobao, Alibaba's version of eBay or Amazon, That day was filled with songs and dances, despite it being Jack Ma's last day as CEO as he moves on to become chairman of the conglomerate -with Jonathan Lu helming the CEO position. This is what he told his staff that, as reported by Tech in Asia.

The importance of trust
"What is the thing that has made Alibaba what it is today? What is the thing that has made me what I am today? I have no reasons to succeed. Alibaba and Taobao have no reasons to succeed either.

But today, we have walked so far and for so many years, with so many aspirations for the future, I believe it is trust that has made us walk this far.

When no one believes in the future, we chose to believe.. we chose to trust.. that 10 years later, China will be better. We chose to believe that our colleagues will do better than myself. I believe the younger generation of Chinese will do better than us. I'm thankful that my colleagues have trusted me. It's tough to be CEO but being a CEO's employee is even tougher.

All of you are building a new kind of trust. This trust helps to make the world more open, more transparent, and more responsible. I feel proud of you.

I can walk till today all thanks to everyone's trust. Because of trust it has made the journey easy. I believe and I also urge everyone to support and trust Jonathan Lu and the team as you have always supported and trusted me.

The importance of embracing change
Computers are fast, the internet is even faster. When we haven't really understood what is mobile internet, big data comes along. Times of change are for the younger generation.
Today, a lot of young people think that big companies like Google, Baidu, Tencent and Alibaba took all your chances to succeed. Ten years ago, when we saw numerous giant companies, we were also once lost and worried. But ten years of determination, we have walked to today. If it wasn't  a time of change, the younger generation would not have a chance. We don't need a rich father to succeed, What we have is determination and a vision.

A lot of people hate change, but because we have embraced this change that's why we have a future. The next 30 year, this world and China, will have even more change. This change is an opportunity for everyone. Grab this chance. It's only in times of change that someone can be clear of what he has and wants, and what he needs to give up.


Building Alibaba for 14 years, i'm honored that I'm a businessman. Business people in this age aren't just doing business for profits. I think we are the same as any artists, educator and politician who's doing our best to make this society complete.

14 years in business made me understand life, hardship, determination, and responsibility. It also made me understand that when other people succeed it means we have succeeded as well. What we look forward to most is the smile on our employees' faces.

An ongoing mission
"Building a company to this size, I feel humbled and proud, What we achieved today, has greatly surpassed the efforts we have put in. This society, at this time, for Alibaba to continue to prosper, we have to solve problems in society. There are so many problems in society and these are opportunities for everyone. If there isn't any problem, then there's no need for all of you.

All people of Alibaba, please continue to serve small businesses. Because small businesses are where most of the Chinese dreams live. 14 years ago, we set a mission that there will be no business too hard to do, helping small enterprise to grow.
 
Today, this mission lies in your hands. People say e-commerce and the internet created an unfair advantage. But my understanding is that the internet created a truly fair platform

Handing over the baton
"To make sure a company doesn't age and make no mistakes, I chose to believe the younger generation. By believing in them, you also believe in the future. So I will not return to Alibaba as CEO. There's no use for me to return because all of you will do better.
Moving forward, I will be doing things that I'm interested in, such as working on education and the enivornment. Besides work, let's work hard together to improve China. Let the water be clear, the sky be blue, and the food be safe."

Hong Kong Superman Li Kang-Shing

Incredible wealth

The bloombery Billionairs Index as of October 7, 2013 states that Mr Li is the richest person in Asia, with a net worth of $28.8billion. The Chairman of the Board of Hutchison Whampoa Limited (HWL) and Cheung Kong Holdings, he is the world's biggest operator of container terminals, as well as the largest health and beauty retailer. He was named Asia's Most Powerful Man, Li Ka-Ching by Asiaweek in 2001.

On his wealth

According to Bloomberg and Reuters, Mr Li has claimed that "in at least the past 10 years, foreign magazines had underestimated my wealth by half". Yet, he states "it is not important if you are a tycoon or not. The 86-year old magnate said in an interview with mainland Chinese news website Caixin's founder Hu Shuli: "I was poor before, I understand what it is like to worry about having to make ends meet everyday."

Turning the lemons of life into lemonade

Mr Li went through a difficult time in his youth, calling life in Hong Kong "truly harsh and often cruel". His father, whom he loved very much, had passed away when Mr Li was still a teenager, leaving him to provide for his widowed mother and young sliblings without education, and hardly any support. He shares, "You are capable of turning the lemons life throws at you into lemonade. When you develop a map for your soul, you will discover the part of you that loves life, the part of you that is analytical, capable and responsible, and the part of you that is principled, ideadistic, and able to serve society with selflessness"

Depending on himself

When Mr Li was 14 years old, a fortune teller told him that his future did not look promising. Despite that, he knew it was up to him to change his destiny."I knew the only future I could count on is that I shall build for myself. Yes, the odds were stacked against me... but I know it is no use to weep for things that life takes away. I already recongised that my better future is dependent upon a better me."

On knowledge

Mr Li has been quoted as saying "We are approaching a new age of synthesis. Knowledge cannot be merely a degree or a skill... it demands a boarder vision, capabilities in critical thinking and logical deduction without which we cannot have constructive progress. Vision is perhaps our greatest strength... it has kept us alive to the power and continuity of though through the centuries, it takes us peers into tge future and lends shape to the unknown."

The future

Mr Li once said: "The future may be made up pf many factors but where it truly lies is in the hearts and minds of men. Your dedication should not be confined for your own gain, but unleashes your passion for our beloved country as well as the integrity and humanity of mankind"

Mr Li's 6 secret to success

1. Go with the times. Be agile and flexible to act according to circumstances only then will you accomplish something big.

2. Honesty is the best policy. An honest businessman wins the hearts of many and integrity is the basis of success.

3. Make friends, not enemies. Yur friends and partners will help you grow your wealth.

4. There is no shortcut to hard work. Young people should take to hardship like they do to tonics.

5. Work harder than the next guy. When others put in 8 hours of work, i do 16.

6. Don't pray for success. Success is 10% luck abd 90% diligence.

Letting it all out

Okay I felt like I need to share this somewhere or talked to someone so I decided to write this. It has been bothering me to the point that it is very distracting. I can't focus on what is important at hand. I have a role that I need to do. Pretty intensive shoot and lots of preparation to do but I can't focus because of this and I hope by writing it down here, I'm letting it all out and be removed from the distraction.

Recently I wrote an article in March "Absurd" and I was talking about Person A. Maybe I name him KS. Yes he contacted me after 5 months of not seeing each other. He invited me to the a Chinese film festival to watch really awesome films and we started talking about films. He approached me to joined the cathay film marathon. Initially I was pretty reluctant because having observed him and knowing him too well, I know he can't really direct and take the lead in small projects like this. I was pretty clear that I did not want to take the lead. But I did found a great friend who was willing to joined us and provide all the technical expertise.

Throughout the process I was pretty disturbed at how he handled many things. In order to take part in the competition we needed tix stub and he mentioned we could watched 2 movies together and that would make up 4 stub. In the last minute he pushed the responsibilities to me and gave excuses that he was busy at work and all of the sudden I needed to get 4 tix stub out of nowhere. Thankfully God helped me at that point of time. I felt pretty helpless honestly.

Next while we were planning he was laying his expectation. Competition was from sat to tue evening so he mentioned he did not take leave from work so he expected to shoot by sat or sun morning and upload the film on mon morning. Honestly I cannot tell if he was joking but that really shows high expectations with little knowledge of his limitations and the "can't be bother attitude". Obviously that amount of time to make a film, you want to make every single minute counts.

Then in the process we came out with more than 10 different ideas but he was just not confident of directing. 48hrs before the submission he said he was not feeling well and wanted to give up since we could not agreed on what ideas to produce. I felt health was more important above anything else and if the intensiveness of the competition had made him unwell then we give it up. About few hours later, he said okie lets do a simple one. He sent the script to us and I felt that it so vague with no proper format and standard. I feedback a little and he asked me to scout for location, liaise with our friend, find the actress and churn out the script. That moment I felt all responsibilities rest on my shoulder. Another moment where I felt helpless and in awe with his behavior.

During the shoot he started compromising. He wanted to do one take with a steadicam but did not clarify with our helper friend. Miscom along the way and realized actually we had steadicam but he did not used it. After the shoot we spent a good 2hrs chilling and having lunch not realizing that we had only 8hrs to edit. In the end we submitted late due to poor planning and management. I could see the disappointment in KS's face because he doesn't have much opportunity to make film and when opportunity is there he wanted to make a good one.

In my heart, when he approached me before the competition, I already knew what he is like. I knew probably its a painful process working with him. I was observing, being more passive to see how decisive he is, how he managed everything. It was beyond disappointment. He was way more passive than me. I did not know why I agreed to work with him when I probably could visualise the outcome.

Months later he joined the church film ministry after much encouragement from me for 5 years. I told him there was another competition he can consider joining. He was excited initially but couldn't get down to writing the script, perhaps due to no time or no inspiration or too busy. Competition deadline was extended and he felt it was a God's grace moment but as I knew, him being him did not even start writing and the competition has come to a pass.

We met up a few times after as I needed to borrow equipment from him and to go for ministry meeting together and most recently to watched a movie. The main point that I felt disturbed is always the conversation we had in his car every time I leave. He would always talked about God's grace and open doors but never take the leap of faith. He will talked about how reading film books will helped gain his knowledge and a very important aspect as a filmmaker. We will always end up debating because the topic we talked about, passion and the spiritual aspects our life and our desire is too wide a topic. I think reading is a good element to stir up the interest and manifest the desire. But I felt God's grace will give us empowerment to take action. I'm more of a doer and I think experience is more valuable than reading because you can read alone and gain much knowledge but really film is about telling stories about people, it is the filmmaker's observation of the world and the people around. It is also about working with people as it is a industry working and dealing with all sorts of people and more so than most industries.

At one point of time it did frustrates me because he said we are in the same season of our life, exploring and bla blah.. no bro we are in different phrase. I'm in it and you haven't started. Then I was asking him about the course that he wanted to take in London but he was worried about finances, then he mentioned might not take it and God might change his plans and he started to say God will teach him everything about film and then he started to talked about the bible and the whole questions was diverted away. I was really happy for him and really I do when he mentioned about taking a solid course in London and do a career switch but was totally turned off when he became his passive self again. All in all I'm just not convinced that he will be a director because he is not willing to start small or even explore other areas like producing or art directing or wat not...we can talk until the cow comes home but if no action means nothing will happen. God cannot guide a parked car you see...

Why am I sharing this? Because our conversation always break off suddenly as we always chatted over midnight. And the content of what we talked about always lingered in my mind for a very long time. I have no idea why. I'm writing all this down so that I can let it all out and I can focus on what is more important at hand. I would definitely not want to meet with KS for a long time less he stumble me as well. I'm so sorry that I might have a wrong impression of KS if so. I understand from his perspectives as well that at 33 you want to settle down with your gf, yet your gf is not a believer and being in gov job for more than 8 years is hard to make decisive move.

I think how to tell if a person is moving towards a successful path or not, you just have to observe the decision the person make at the most critical point of his life. If its towards success or failure. That will form a pattern. Once or twice successful move will make you understand what it takes to overcome adversities. But till then when KS drastic decision I think our partnership might just end here. No condemnation okie and I'm not trying to be self righteous or anything.  I just pray that God will guide his heart. Make him understand himself and his inner desire better. Able to open his spiritual eyes to see things he have never seen before. Whatever decision and career he choose to take, I pray that he will be fully happy and find satisfaction in what he do even if he does not end up making films. God's grace and favor be upon him. Amen Bro. Okie I feel better now=D

Holidays

Happy holidays! So right after I got my license I decided to embark on something. Wanted to make short film by attending courses but FMDS cease their film making course and SAE syllabus  is too vague. Spenting $1.2k to make a 2 min video is definitely not worth it. So end up i took a basic photography course for hobby sake. But turns out I learned a lot about the technical aspect of the camera and also visual composition which was very helpful.

This sg50 long weekend wanted to catchup with a few of my friends who I got to meet up last year. I wanted to take this opportunity to take some photos as well. But none of them was free. So in the end I stayed home and wrote a script. The more I write the more I feel the story is not up to standard. Like how to I write something with no dialogue in it? it is as good as writing a novel or how do I write something that can be made possible into a film? Like buses and cafe and minor characters here and there which makes it interesting and yet so challenging to script them. I guess i need to start reading more script as well.

The Chinese new year break probably makes me understand who are my closest friends. These close friends are ones that I always make the effort to hang out. But this long weekend probably makes me even realised how insignificant I can be. Well I once saw the article on facebook that says your true friends don't really check their schedule to see if they are available. They always make their love ones the priorities, something along that line. I feel that I'm always the one making effort in keeping relationship till I streamlined down to just a couple of close friends.

During the weekend I was messaging B. Asked him if he wanted to hang out for a couple hours, take photos and have meals together. Probably will not take up the whole day, maybe just 4 hours? He said he is too busy with upcoming personal projects. B has no boss, no deadline and no clients to answer to. Like hello, no 4 hours to spare? I remember how he was feeling down and message that me that he wanted to hang out last year and I never spare a thought spent my whole afternoon that day to accompany him to chill out and do nothing.

Then it is was G who I messaged 2 weeks ago to accomodate his schedule to hangout coz he is working during the weekend. G agreed and the night before I messaged him for confirmation as I was prepared he will pang seh which he did during the chinese new year period. What happens during the chinese new year period was first he agreed on watching movie, then he wanted to change the plan because he forgot he got dinner at home and a jogging appointment with a friend. So we met to eat and agreed to watch movie another time which he never reply. Like hello again? you can always jog another time?! and dinner at home is common?! and why u can pang seh me and not your jogging friend? Fast forward 6months later. Truly indeed I got pang seh. He replied sorry can't make it blah blah blah... and this time i did not reply at all. Same case with B.

Sounds damn loser me but I really can't stand these kind of people anymore. Like I can make so much sacrifice for them but they treat you like a nobody. It always happens during the holidays. Many years ago I would have vent my frustrations outwardly on them but now I'm taking it more lightly and letting it go. Just that things get even worse. I need to learned to survive alone. And like maybe wait for these people to message me and pang seh them song song so i will feel better because I know I can do without them. It can be hard sometimes because you feel that you have nothing to look forward to.

I need to learned how to adjust. This is a spiritual warfare for me. Dear Lord, please help me, I pray that you will send genuine friends to walk with me this difficult journey on Earth. I hope the friends i made in the future that I could develop more deeper friendship. I really pray for kingdom friends that we can build one another up. At the same time I thank you for bringing me friends that once we hold the relationship so dear and have helped me so much. Though they come and go but I know they were sent by you Lord to accompany and delivered me. It has strengthen my faith and I pray that you will help me understand your ways and your will and sometimes you want to take away friendship to protect me and propel me to greater heights. Help me to understand no matter my situation that I'm still blessed and loved by you. Thank you Shepherd. Amen! Cheers!

All Glory to Jesus!

It's been proximity 24 hours ago since I passed my driving test on 1st attempt. I'm so happy and can't believe 2 months ago, my last blogpost, I was still writing about my struggle. I decided to write down this surreal moment as I know it was Jesus that helped me so much along the way.

After yesterday, I'm very convinced that the holy spirit is real and does speak to us believers and divine intervention does happen.

On the day of my driving test I was a little nervous like most people. I had a blur vision that I would pass the night before but I was prepared to failed. The anticipation started from the weekend, then right to my last revision, now it all comes down to this test date. While I was strolling to bbdc thinking perhaps it was my last time walking the path, I said a short prayer "Dear God, I'm the righteousness of God in Christ, I pray from victory and that even I don't pass the test, Father you will still love me.. that I will learned from my mistakes and continued to improve as a driver..." something along the line and started to pray in tongues like always. When I reached the school I was 30mins early. I was getting abit nervous and started to find a seat and sit down to calm myself. I sat for maybe 5 mins and then I decided okie it is time. So I walked to the machine to scan my IC and waited for my warm up.

I was quickly assigned to a warm up car and a warm up instructor was randomly assigned to me. It was a young instructor, just 2 years older than me. So I started driving in the circuit. Everything was fine in the circuit till the slope. The instructor realized that slope was not my forte although I still managed to overcome the slope. Then we went out to the road and everything was quite okie too till I was at the T junction on a slope and started to panic when I couldn't released the handbrake properly. When I did, cars will coming along and I had to pulled up the handbrake again. What was worse was cars started to formed up behind me and I fumble again and car stalled. Eventually I moved off when the handbrake was released halfway. I started to blamed the handbrake but instructor assured me I was nervous and couldn't performed under pressure. He was saying just that incident alone can maybe get 6 demerit points? Heading back the instructor led me to do 1 final slope again at the sch exit. I did okie. He chatted with me a little and reminded me of the important stuff to note but my mind was just blank. I knew the things he said but whether I could execute them under pressure is just another thing altogether. So he led me to the tester room, brief me and wished me luck and went off.

While I was sitting at the room, more people were coming in. I just kept eating sweets to calm myself. That moment felt as though we are waiting for our death sentence. That moment felt like forever. Finally one by one we are called up. I was assigned test route 1. Off I go.

Adjusted everything, ready to move off. Within 10 sec moving off, the tester started to slam the dashboard. E-brake! Okie that was a lure. I intentionally change to gear 2 to wait for him to do that. S- course okie. Then vertical parking. My position was okie but I needed to move abit forward as I was over my turning line but I adjusted my mirror already, so I adjusted it back but I forgot to change back gear to 1. It was on reverse gear. Damn! I reverse abit then stop and realized. That was when tester started tapping on his tablet. As I performed the parking I turned abit late so my left side was too wide and right side to narrow. I adjusted 2 times but I feel it didn't make a lot of difference. There was a trainer car waiting for the lot and I started to panic abit and decided to go with the final position. Tester was just focus on whether I'm hitting the kerb and checking my blindspot.

After that I was caught in a weird situation. I was supposed to do a right turn. Right infront of me was a yellow box. There were 2 motorists at both end of the yellow box. 1 infront and 1 behind. Tester said to me, "so got motorbike cannot turn out ah". In mind I was thinking okie the angle is quite tight, think better to turn out after they moved off. So I reply "coz got motorbike". He said, "okie up to you, your judgement". Then he started tapping his tablet and indeed I got 2 demerit points for delay in moving off. I should have told him I would turn out if I have license already lol. Then went to slope. Cock up again! Everything was okie till I didn't fully released the handbrake. The car beeped twice but tester was still. Okie maybe I'm still safe.

D-change okie, crank course okie. Finally parallel parking. I did everything okie till the final turning point I forgot to turn! So the car was diagonal. F**K! I didn't realized till when I turn the steering wheel 4 times. So I adjust and adjust. The 1st time I adjust I forgot to check behind when reversing. Arghhh!! Okie finally I managed to park the car. It was definitely not my usual standard during lesson. Normally can execute all the obstacles with minimal adjustment.

Then when turning out from lot, tester said my turning was too wide. He was sighing, shaking head alittle and constantly tapping on his tablet. I remembered my instructors said, try to accumulate 0 demerit pts in the circuit. I see the tester busily tapping away and I thought I was gone already. My mind was telling me with about 4-5 mistakes and 2-4 demerit points for each, probably I have hit 20pts already and likely I have failed. When the tester asked me to drive out, I felt like giving up now. But I felt a prompting of a spirit. The spirit was just telling me don't be afraid, the circuit component is over, let's just complete this test and do well in the remaining half of the test despite the result. My flesh felt like giving up but the spirit was overwhelming. There was peace and my nervousness was gone. I would think that my test route was easy too. There was no slope.

Whenever there are moments where I have to stop the car due to traffic I would speak in tongues. I think the tester thought I was mumbling. Everything was pretty smooth on the road for me until when heading back I didn't know what to do, like where to park the car and the tester was like, "instructors never tell you ah?" in a frustrated tone.

I was directed back to the tester room while tester went to print my result. I was probably the last one to returned because there was no one else in the room. While waiting for the moment of truth I had a lots of thoughts going on in my head. Telling myself "its okie if failed.. just take again..." That moment felt like forever again and I started to speak in tongues. Finally tester came out like after 5mins. I couldn't really understand what he was trying to say coz he was mumbling. I just nodded and replied okie for everything. But I peep into the slip and was sure I have less than 20pts!. Then he asked got photograph and I was like WooooHoooo!!!! I PASSED!!!! PRAISE JESUS. If I will to think in the natural, no way I would passed. I accumulated 14pts in the circuit. Tester didn't minus pts from my slope. Got 2 demerit pts for incorrect braking which amount to 16pts in total. When on the road, by right we are supposed to check rear mirror before signal, before moving off and when doing bends. I'm sure I did not check all the time although I did most of the time. Tester could have failed me but I managed to passed. What was significant to me was really the moment when the spirit prompted me. It was like it knew the result and even gave me sign and vision the night before which I did not boldly declare.

Just to sidetrack. I had a similar incident when I was supposed to somehow grab 4 cathay move tix stubs in order to join a short film competition in 2 days as my team didn't have time to watch movies. I walked to the cathay and while I was there I felt the same spirit prompting me to just wait. But as you know the flesh is weak and I was doing everything I could to get the 4 tix. I sms afew friends who I knew are movie freaks but they all replied me saying usually they threw them away. I was looking through trash bags but there was no sight of tix stubs. I even went to the carpark to checked the bins or perhaps there might be some tix stubs on the floor or smth. No hope. Then I started to asked the tix usher and she directed me to the tix counter people. Hmm not very helpful. In my desperation I was prepared to spent money to buy 4 movie tix stubs already as it was almost 2 hours since I'm at cathay . But the spirit just wanted me to sit there. Then suddenly a cleaner uncle walked out to mop the floor. I asked him about the tix stubs and he kindly went to one the empty theatre to helped me find. He even said its a little challenging to get 4. 1 or 2 might be possible but he will try his best. In less than a minute he came out with  exactly 4 tix stubs. He even said it was laid properly on a empty seat, exactly 4! God bless you uncle:) I knew God has gone ahead of me in that situation. And it was so effortless.

Coupled with yesterday incident, I'm almost sure God can speak to us. Although sometimes I cannot discern and my flesh will take over but I truly believe in divine intervention. The spirit is more powerful, it can guide us to victory. We just have to obey.

With that being said, if anyone out there is reading my blog and struggling in their driving, remember to go for more practices. I had in total 36 lessons with 4 practical revision. My advice is not to be afraid to failed. I was prepared to failed actually as I booked additional lessons beyond my test dates yesterday. I was a slow learner too. Having to take 10 lessons for stage 1 and 11 lessons to complete stage 2. Average students would likely take 5-6 lessons for each stage. And don't fear fear. It is just a emotional state that fluctuate. Let it come, let it go. Finally I just to give thanks to God again, and to all my bbdc group instructors for their patience and guidance and to my friends that prayed for me. My learning journey has been a roller coaster ride but this is what I called "adventure". Not sure if I want to get class 2B so see how bah=D