It's been proximity 24 hours ago since I passed my driving test on 1st attempt. I'm so happy and can't believe 2 months ago, my last blogpost, I was still writing about my struggle. I decided to write down this surreal moment as I know it was Jesus that helped me so much along the way.
After yesterday, I'm very convinced that the holy spirit is real and does speak to us believers and divine intervention does happen.
On the day of my driving test I was a little nervous like most people. I had a blur vision that I would pass the night before but I was prepared to failed. The anticipation started from the weekend, then right to my last revision, now it all comes down to this test date. While I was strolling to bbdc thinking perhaps it was my last time walking the path, I said a short prayer "Dear God, I'm the righteousness of God in Christ, I pray from victory and that even I don't pass the test, Father you will still love me.. that I will learned from my mistakes and continued to improve as a driver..." something along the line and started to pray in tongues like always. When I reached the school I was 30mins early. I was getting abit nervous and started to find a seat and sit down to calm myself. I sat for maybe 5 mins and then I decided okie it is time. So I walked to the machine to scan my IC and waited for my warm up.
I was quickly assigned to a warm up car and a warm up instructor was randomly assigned to me. It was a young instructor, just 2 years older than me. So I started driving in the circuit. Everything was fine in the circuit till the slope. The instructor realized that slope was not my forte although I still managed to overcome the slope. Then we went out to the road and everything was quite okie too till I was at the T junction on a slope and started to panic when I couldn't released the handbrake properly. When I did, cars will coming along and I had to pulled up the handbrake again. What was worse was cars started to formed up behind me and I fumble again and car stalled. Eventually I moved off when the handbrake was released halfway. I started to blamed the handbrake but instructor assured me I was nervous and couldn't performed under pressure. He was saying just that incident alone can maybe get 6 demerit points? Heading back the instructor led me to do 1 final slope again at the sch exit. I did okie. He chatted with me a little and reminded me of the important stuff to note but my mind was just blank. I knew the things he said but whether I could execute them under pressure is just another thing altogether. So he led me to the tester room, brief me and wished me luck and went off.
While I was sitting at the room, more people were coming in. I just kept eating sweets to calm myself. That moment felt as though we are waiting for our death sentence. That moment felt like forever. Finally one by one we are called up. I was assigned test route 1. Off I go.
Adjusted everything, ready to move off. Within 10 sec moving off, the tester started to slam the dashboard. E-brake! Okie that was a lure. I intentionally change to gear 2 to wait for him to do that. S- course okie. Then vertical parking. My position was okie but I needed to move abit forward as I was over my turning line but I adjusted my mirror already, so I adjusted it back but I forgot to change back gear to 1. It was on reverse gear. Damn! I reverse abit then stop and realized. That was when tester started tapping on his tablet. As I performed the parking I turned abit late so my left side was too wide and right side to narrow. I adjusted 2 times but I feel it didn't make a lot of difference. There was a trainer car waiting for the lot and I started to panic abit and decided to go with the final position. Tester was just focus on whether I'm hitting the kerb and checking my blindspot.
After that I was caught in a weird situation. I was supposed to do a right turn. Right infront of me was a yellow box. There were 2 motorists at both end of the yellow box. 1 infront and 1 behind. Tester said to me, "so got motorbike cannot turn out ah". In mind I was thinking okie the angle is quite tight, think better to turn out after they moved off. So I reply "coz got motorbike". He said, "okie up to you, your judgement". Then he started tapping his tablet and indeed I got 2 demerit points for delay in moving off. I should have told him I would turn out if I have license already lol. Then went to slope. Cock up again! Everything was okie till I didn't fully released the handbrake. The car beeped twice but tester was still. Okie maybe I'm still safe.
D-change okie, crank course okie. Finally parallel parking. I did everything okie till the final turning point I forgot to turn! So the car was diagonal. F**K! I didn't realized till when I turn the steering wheel 4 times. So I adjust and adjust. The 1st time I adjust I forgot to check behind when reversing. Arghhh!! Okie finally I managed to park the car. It was definitely not my usual standard during lesson. Normally can execute all the obstacles with minimal adjustment.
Then when turning out from lot, tester said my turning was too wide. He was sighing, shaking head alittle and constantly tapping on his tablet. I remembered my instructors said, try to accumulate 0 demerit pts in the circuit. I see the tester busily tapping away and I thought I was gone already. My mind was telling me with about 4-5 mistakes and 2-4 demerit points for each, probably I have hit 20pts already and likely I have failed. When the tester asked me to drive out, I felt like giving up now. But I felt a prompting of a spirit. The spirit was just telling me don't be afraid, the circuit component is over, let's just complete this test and do well in the remaining half of the test despite the result. My flesh felt like giving up but the spirit was overwhelming. There was peace and my nervousness was gone. I would think that my test route was easy too. There was no slope.
Whenever there are moments where I have to stop the car due to traffic I would speak in tongues. I think the tester thought I was mumbling. Everything was pretty smooth on the road for me until when heading back I didn't know what to do, like where to park the car and the tester was like, "instructors never tell you ah?" in a frustrated tone.
I was directed back to the tester room while tester went to print my result. I was probably the last one to returned because there was no one else in the room. While waiting for the moment of truth I had a lots of thoughts going on in my head. Telling myself "its okie if failed.. just take again..." That moment felt like forever again and I started to speak in tongues. Finally tester came out like after 5mins. I couldn't really understand what he was trying to say coz he was mumbling. I just nodded and replied okie for everything. But I peep into the slip and was sure I have less than 20pts!. Then he asked got photograph and I was like WooooHoooo!!!! I PASSED!!!! PRAISE JESUS. If I will to think in the natural, no way I would passed. I accumulated 14pts in the circuit. Tester didn't minus pts from my slope. Got 2 demerit pts for incorrect braking which amount to 16pts in total. When on the road, by right we are supposed to check rear mirror before signal, before moving off and when doing bends. I'm sure I did not check all the time although I did most of the time. Tester could have failed me but I managed to passed. What was significant to me was really the moment when the spirit prompted me. It was like it knew the result and even gave me sign and vision the night before which I did not boldly declare.
Just to sidetrack. I had a similar incident when I was supposed to somehow grab 4 cathay move tix stubs in order to join a short film competition in 2 days as my team didn't have time to watch movies. I walked to the cathay and while I was there I felt the same spirit prompting me to just wait. But as you know the flesh is weak and I was doing everything I could to get the 4 tix. I sms afew friends who I knew are movie freaks but they all replied me saying usually they threw them away. I was looking through trash bags but there was no sight of tix stubs. I even went to the carpark to checked the bins or perhaps there might be some tix stubs on the floor or smth. No hope. Then I started to asked the tix usher and she directed me to the tix counter people. Hmm not very helpful. In my desperation I was prepared to spent money to buy 4 movie tix stubs already as it was almost 2 hours since I'm at cathay . But the spirit just wanted me to sit there. Then suddenly a cleaner uncle walked out to mop the floor. I asked him about the tix stubs and he kindly went to one the empty theatre to helped me find. He even said its a little challenging to get 4. 1 or 2 might be possible but he will try his best. In less than a minute he came out with exactly 4 tix stubs. He even said it was laid properly on a empty seat, exactly 4! God bless you uncle:) I knew God has gone ahead of me in that situation. And it was so effortless.
Coupled with yesterday incident, I'm almost sure God can speak to us. Although sometimes I cannot discern and my flesh will take over but I truly believe in divine intervention. The spirit is more powerful, it can guide us to victory. We just have to obey.
With that being said, if anyone out there is reading my blog and struggling in their driving, remember to go for more practices. I had in total 36 lessons with 4 practical revision. My advice is not to be afraid to failed. I was prepared to failed actually as I booked additional lessons beyond my test dates yesterday. I was a slow learner too. Having to take 10 lessons for stage 1 and 11 lessons to complete stage 2. Average students would likely take 5-6 lessons for each stage. And don't fear fear. It is just a emotional state that fluctuate. Let it come, let it go. Finally I just to give thanks to God again, and to all my bbdc group instructors for their patience and guidance and to my friends that prayed for me. My learning journey has been a roller coaster ride but this is what I called "adventure". Not sure if I want to get class 2B so see how bah=D
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Nothing
Its the time of the year again where I do this little reflection.
Same question I asked myself again...
After a quarter thru 2015, question to myself is...
Have I achieved my goals that I set out to do?
Have I given my best for people around me?
What are the things I could have done better?
I'm about into my final 2 months of my driving lessons. I wasn't very satisfied with my last lesson as I was doing many things within the lesson and I fumbled and mixed up certain things. At some point I knew I made the mistakes but did not make adjustment as I was afraid the instructor might be angry but things got even worse. Stupid me. Nevertheless I'm grateful to all the instructors that are teaching me although I'm not getting my favored instructors nowadays but I'm okay. Most of my friends that started learning driving earlier and some even later than me have got their license. I'm happy for them
I need to work harder and I need to focus. I need to do better next lesson. Will be listening to many sermons to overcome my worry and fear. The good thing is every lesson is a fresh start again, the past mistakes is no more. I will do better next lesson. I need this space to expressed out so that next lesson I can "go again".
Fighting! fighting! fighting!!!
Same question I asked myself again...
After a quarter thru 2015, question to myself is...
Have I achieved my goals that I set out to do?
Have I given my best for people around me?
What are the things I could have done better?
I'm about into my final 2 months of my driving lessons. I wasn't very satisfied with my last lesson as I was doing many things within the lesson and I fumbled and mixed up certain things. At some point I knew I made the mistakes but did not make adjustment as I was afraid the instructor might be angry but things got even worse. Stupid me. Nevertheless I'm grateful to all the instructors that are teaching me although I'm not getting my favored instructors nowadays but I'm okay. Most of my friends that started learning driving earlier and some even later than me have got their license. I'm happy for them
I need to work harder and I need to focus. I need to do better next lesson. Will be listening to many sermons to overcome my worry and fear. The good thing is every lesson is a fresh start again, the past mistakes is no more. I will do better next lesson. I need this space to expressed out so that next lesson I can "go again".
Fighting! fighting! fighting!!!
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Driving
When I left my job, I knew one of the priorities was getting my driving license but I took my own sweet time to attend the theory lessons and took the tests all over again. Until when I recently injured my hand that I felt it was time to start my practical since I'm can't do much filming either.
Cut the long story short, I had already attended 21 practical lessons with sch with 6 different instructors .Every instructor has their own way and style of teaching and driving. Some instructor focus on technique and some focus on safety while some others just wanted to get by and don't offer much feedback.
I researched and read blogs about people writing about their driving experience. I will not write much in details as you can researched online, there are many blogs out there that is very resourceful in my opinion. And like many of those blogs that I read, I too faced a very sianz period with the instructors during my early stage. I was not really excited about going to school and in fact I find it a drag. Had a brush with one of the instructors that I always get. The instructor had high expectations, will always remind me to book more lessons and find that my progress is too slow and sometimes when I make mistakes, instructor will face palm or shake her head. Though its deheartening its still nothing compared to my previous pdi. In school, they can't use profanity if not they might get complaint and it will affect their performance and perhaps even their bonus, so its a reputation issue.
First of all, I didn't know its good to book 2-3 lessons in a week as no one advised me on that until the instructor told me so which is kinda late because I have already book 2 months in advance for my slot. And moreover some of friends who got their license during ns, mentioned they can only do so once a week cause need to book in ma which I thought once a week is good enough. I was only advised not to have a big gap between each lesson as I might get rusty with my skills.
Secondly, can't expect that once the method is taught that the students can execute perfectly right? Students need to practice and we are there to make mistakes isn't it?
What got me irritated was when I was asked me why I decided to take manual instead of auto. And this instructor started talking about how fast I can get my license if I switched to auto and how easy it is to handle auto cars. Seriously! I don't understand why I was told all that but the impressions that I get is that I'm a lousy driver in the group and wanted me to switch to auto so I will be transfered to auto group. That is the reason why I don't really look forward to having lessons taught by this particular instructor during my early stage. The problem is you can't tell which instructors you are getting till the lesson starts.
Strangely after this incident, this instructor did not teach me for a short period of time and I got to experienced many different instructors and that is when I get to appriecate this instructor that I felt obnoxoius about. Because I felt that some instructors are worse. They don't give much feedback. I dont know what they are talking about sometimes. Can't connect with them. They keep quiet then wait for you to make mistakes then they start nagging and insist their right of way. Sometimes they ask me how I find other instructors and there was one that said, "No! that fellow method is wrong, the right way is blah blah blah!..."with his face so close to mine like gonna kiss me like that. The other instructor that I appreciated a lot was Mr L. After my 1st instructor stop taking me, Mr L started to take me for back to back lesson from time to time before I'm randomly threw to other instructor for 1 or 2 lessons and back to Mr L again. He know my weaknesses very well and constantly reminds me in the vehicle to do this and that. Overtime my reaction becomes faster and I realized I can multiple task quite abit. I must say he instilled a lot of confidence in me. Every time I get a new instructor for the first time I would always feel nervous but because of all the lessons and practice that I had with Mr L, despite the nervousness I'm still competent to handle the vehicle and then after maybe 20-30mins of warm-up, I will be fine. And over time I did improve, so the 1st instructor and Mr L will starts to casual chat with me when I get them for my lessons. Now I would always pray I will get the 2 instructors that I find favour with.
I'm a little over the halfway mark of obtaining my driving license I think, maybe even 2/3. Somehow I still do not have a lot of confident in my driving or maybe most of the instructors did not give me the assurance that I can drive like Mr L do.
Honestly I don't think I'm a lousy driver. I may be a slow learner and my progress is slow but I'm moving forward. I still stalled my vehicle at least 2 times in every lesson but I'm not a hopeless student or driver. That is something that I need to make clear to all the instructors out there. This is the time that I needed God's grace. Despite of how we fail, or miss the mark, Jesus will always catch us when we fall, such is the assurance and the hope. I always have this vision that one day I'm qualified driver on the road. I happen to know all the people driving around me. Person A driving beside me told me he failed his driving 5 times. Person B driving in front of me told me he failed his driving 3 times. Then comes Person C, saying he passed his driving on his first time. So the morale of story is this, it doesn't matter how many times we failed, because what matters now is we are all qualified drivers. Just persevere, no matter how many tp tests I will end up taking, somehow eventually you will get there.
This is the light I see. Sometimes I do get self condemn because of the things the instuctors said but it's also because that I lose focus on God's grace. Worry and fear begins to cloud my mind. I start to see my incompetence, my inability to improve things, which is all about "me me me". It is time to just give up and look up, for our Helper is waiting to help, but Help simply cannot get a hold of the situation while we are still holding tightly to it. This is what I have been struggling, sometimes and some areas seem more intense. Let not my heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. This is so difficult, God help me!
I'm about to go into stage 3 of my driving. I need to learn to keep moving forward
PS: This is my official post about my driving experience which was written late Oct last year
Cut the long story short, I had already attended 21 practical lessons with sch with 6 different instructors .Every instructor has their own way and style of teaching and driving. Some instructor focus on technique and some focus on safety while some others just wanted to get by and don't offer much feedback.
I researched and read blogs about people writing about their driving experience. I will not write much in details as you can researched online, there are many blogs out there that is very resourceful in my opinion. And like many of those blogs that I read, I too faced a very sianz period with the instructors during my early stage. I was not really excited about going to school and in fact I find it a drag. Had a brush with one of the instructors that I always get. The instructor had high expectations, will always remind me to book more lessons and find that my progress is too slow and sometimes when I make mistakes, instructor will face palm or shake her head. Though its deheartening its still nothing compared to my previous pdi. In school, they can't use profanity if not they might get complaint and it will affect their performance and perhaps even their bonus, so its a reputation issue.
First of all, I didn't know its good to book 2-3 lessons in a week as no one advised me on that until the instructor told me so which is kinda late because I have already book 2 months in advance for my slot. And moreover some of friends who got their license during ns, mentioned they can only do so once a week cause need to book in ma which I thought once a week is good enough. I was only advised not to have a big gap between each lesson as I might get rusty with my skills.
Secondly, can't expect that once the method is taught that the students can execute perfectly right? Students need to practice and we are there to make mistakes isn't it?
What got me irritated was when I was asked me why I decided to take manual instead of auto. And this instructor started talking about how fast I can get my license if I switched to auto and how easy it is to handle auto cars. Seriously! I don't understand why I was told all that but the impressions that I get is that I'm a lousy driver in the group and wanted me to switch to auto so I will be transfered to auto group. That is the reason why I don't really look forward to having lessons taught by this particular instructor during my early stage. The problem is you can't tell which instructors you are getting till the lesson starts.
Strangely after this incident, this instructor did not teach me for a short period of time and I got to experienced many different instructors and that is when I get to appriecate this instructor that I felt obnoxoius about. Because I felt that some instructors are worse. They don't give much feedback. I dont know what they are talking about sometimes. Can't connect with them. They keep quiet then wait for you to make mistakes then they start nagging and insist their right of way. Sometimes they ask me how I find other instructors and there was one that said, "No! that fellow method is wrong, the right way is blah blah blah!..."with his face so close to mine like gonna kiss me like that. The other instructor that I appreciated a lot was Mr L. After my 1st instructor stop taking me, Mr L started to take me for back to back lesson from time to time before I'm randomly threw to other instructor for 1 or 2 lessons and back to Mr L again. He know my weaknesses very well and constantly reminds me in the vehicle to do this and that. Overtime my reaction becomes faster and I realized I can multiple task quite abit. I must say he instilled a lot of confidence in me. Every time I get a new instructor for the first time I would always feel nervous but because of all the lessons and practice that I had with Mr L, despite the nervousness I'm still competent to handle the vehicle and then after maybe 20-30mins of warm-up, I will be fine. And over time I did improve, so the 1st instructor and Mr L will starts to casual chat with me when I get them for my lessons. Now I would always pray I will get the 2 instructors that I find favour with.
I'm a little over the halfway mark of obtaining my driving license I think, maybe even 2/3. Somehow I still do not have a lot of confident in my driving or maybe most of the instructors did not give me the assurance that I can drive like Mr L do.
Honestly I don't think I'm a lousy driver. I may be a slow learner and my progress is slow but I'm moving forward. I still stalled my vehicle at least 2 times in every lesson but I'm not a hopeless student or driver. That is something that I need to make clear to all the instructors out there. This is the time that I needed God's grace. Despite of how we fail, or miss the mark, Jesus will always catch us when we fall, such is the assurance and the hope. I always have this vision that one day I'm qualified driver on the road. I happen to know all the people driving around me. Person A driving beside me told me he failed his driving 5 times. Person B driving in front of me told me he failed his driving 3 times. Then comes Person C, saying he passed his driving on his first time. So the morale of story is this, it doesn't matter how many times we failed, because what matters now is we are all qualified drivers. Just persevere, no matter how many tp tests I will end up taking, somehow eventually you will get there.
This is the light I see. Sometimes I do get self condemn because of the things the instuctors said but it's also because that I lose focus on God's grace. Worry and fear begins to cloud my mind. I start to see my incompetence, my inability to improve things, which is all about "me me me". It is time to just give up and look up, for our Helper is waiting to help, but Help simply cannot get a hold of the situation while we are still holding tightly to it. This is what I have been struggling, sometimes and some areas seem more intense. Let not my heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. This is so difficult, God help me!
I'm about to go into stage 3 of my driving. I need to learn to keep moving forward
PS: This is my official post about my driving experience which was written late Oct last year
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Absurd
I have a slow start to the year. Haven't had much acting or filming gig going on, so was focusing on my driving instead. My previous few post I was reminding myself to learn to let go and move on with certain people. It was so strange that recently I had a few people that started messaging me. Asking me "how are you?" and "are you still making films?"... feel like they are implying are you still a struggling filmmaker?
They used to be my filmmaking "kakis" in a sense because I would always jio them to joined local film competition and played around with the manpower or talents I have to make our team balanced. But I don't joined competition anymore unless I feel like it. I find it very strange, when there are opportunities presented to them they shunned away, shy to take the lead, become passive and couldn't commit. The hard truth is when the opportunities are gone, they are gone!
Person A is facing some serious spiritual warfare which I don't know how to help. We made couple of good films but I always feel I'm not properly utilized to my optimal as a filmmaker. My opinion have no weight because I don't have the camera and editing software so I have very little say in the creative aspects. We spent so much time churning the concept that when comes to implementation stage we become so disorganized because we seldom have a solid team which means we don't have a structure. Always find it hard to bring my opinion across to this person. One of things is putting me to act out a character because I do feel that performing is my forte and since he loved to conceptualize, direct, shoot and edit at the same time. Not that I dislike producing but I always feel I can do a lot more. We did about 4 projects together and known each other for 5 years, I'm sure we can come out with something better. Our last project was a disaster. Then we tried to discuss about joining a competition which we had 2 weeks to shoot before deadline and it didn't happen. Then I tried to initiate another possible 2 competition which he didn't reply. When eventually he did replied, I no longer got the mood to do it anymore.
Why is he facing spiritual warfare? Because he felt filmmaking is his calling. He has been in a corporate job for 6-7 years and in his early 30s. Always saying "I'm waiting for open doors from God". So in the meantime he has jumped from one gov job to another. So what open doors is he waiting for? He is not clear either. Why he feel the doors are not open? When mandy.com have constant flow of filmmaking jobs. Anyway he always abruptly killed the conversation meaning he will start a conversation in a message and reply at a rate you will feel sending letters back and forth might prompt a faster reply. The cliché reply is always "pardon my late reply... was so busy with work". That is why I don't like to entertained this kind people anymore as much as I would loved to pray and help this fellow.
Person B has got many passion. Travel, photography, entrepreneur, filmmaking and many more... feels familiar? feels like many people have these aspiration too. Jio this person a few times for competition. 1st time jio her, 1st day of competition was smooth, next day felt sick and went back home to rest, 3rd day came for the award ceremony. 2nd time jio her, no idea from the team so didn't take place. 3rd time jio her and was planning to do a viral or meaningful video, did not follow through her script and it did not happen again. 4th time jio her, she agreed then back off last minute because she was on holiday and cannot make it back in time. How would anybody feel if it was me? of course stop jioing her la. Waste my time already.
What was so disturbing to me is when the person asked if I'm still making films after more than a year of not contacting. Felt as though if I'm doing well then B is intending to ride on my success. Or perhaps by listening to the pain that I'm going through, B will feel better as not to have made the choice of doing films. Okay maybe I'm thinking too much. Then B started to talked about the video we made when I jio her the 1st time. And B started to say like how nice if we can do something like this again.. that B is getting old and maybe someday I would direct a movie written by B... I'm like WTF?! are you serious? Don't make your aspiration mine aspiration.. please do not put any burden on me to fulfilled your dream or whatsoever. This is honestly ridiculous and disturbing. So I told B no I'm not making films anymore, live your own dreams, in a nice manner of course.
B said I need some good marketing skills and all... So I told B blah blah blah.. about how mine priority has changed and how B have a lot of talent, should live our dream and all... honestly the lengthy conversation to me was senseless and going nowhere. The conversation ended with both of us saying "Jia you" to one another. To me it sounded dumb. If you loved film and writing please do it even as a hobby because nothing bad can happen. You will still have your job and have food to eat. Making films full time is a risk, it requires commitment, its a choice you have to made, it takes faith and courage. Your highs and lows will be great, curve will be steep and its not for everyone.
A and B is just 2 recent example.. I don't understand the concern and issue that is facing by them. Maybe they haven't shared fully with me or I just plainly don't understand. A and B haven't had a family yet so why not just give themselves 1- 2 years to commit full heartedly to this passion they have whether its hobby, part time or even full time. To me its that simple. If they choose not to made this decision then why have this passion or desire? You guys have regular jobs, good money... why choose the go through the pain of making films. Making films is so difficult. I felt that we are in different season of our lives, things have changed. We used to be in a crossroad together. Perhaps God put us together to build one another up but the direction that I'm heading to is different now. Okay I need to learn to be calm, collected and to look to the Lord strength to stay cool. Move on Eugene.. move on...Peace bro..peace
They used to be my filmmaking "kakis" in a sense because I would always jio them to joined local film competition and played around with the manpower or talents I have to make our team balanced. But I don't joined competition anymore unless I feel like it. I find it very strange, when there are opportunities presented to them they shunned away, shy to take the lead, become passive and couldn't commit. The hard truth is when the opportunities are gone, they are gone!
Person A is facing some serious spiritual warfare which I don't know how to help. We made couple of good films but I always feel I'm not properly utilized to my optimal as a filmmaker. My opinion have no weight because I don't have the camera and editing software so I have very little say in the creative aspects. We spent so much time churning the concept that when comes to implementation stage we become so disorganized because we seldom have a solid team which means we don't have a structure. Always find it hard to bring my opinion across to this person. One of things is putting me to act out a character because I do feel that performing is my forte and since he loved to conceptualize, direct, shoot and edit at the same time. Not that I dislike producing but I always feel I can do a lot more. We did about 4 projects together and known each other for 5 years, I'm sure we can come out with something better. Our last project was a disaster. Then we tried to discuss about joining a competition which we had 2 weeks to shoot before deadline and it didn't happen. Then I tried to initiate another possible 2 competition which he didn't reply. When eventually he did replied, I no longer got the mood to do it anymore.
Why is he facing spiritual warfare? Because he felt filmmaking is his calling. He has been in a corporate job for 6-7 years and in his early 30s. Always saying "I'm waiting for open doors from God". So in the meantime he has jumped from one gov job to another. So what open doors is he waiting for? He is not clear either. Why he feel the doors are not open? When mandy.com have constant flow of filmmaking jobs. Anyway he always abruptly killed the conversation meaning he will start a conversation in a message and reply at a rate you will feel sending letters back and forth might prompt a faster reply. The cliché reply is always "pardon my late reply... was so busy with work". That is why I don't like to entertained this kind people anymore as much as I would loved to pray and help this fellow.
Person B has got many passion. Travel, photography, entrepreneur, filmmaking and many more... feels familiar? feels like many people have these aspiration too. Jio this person a few times for competition. 1st time jio her, 1st day of competition was smooth, next day felt sick and went back home to rest, 3rd day came for the award ceremony. 2nd time jio her, no idea from the team so didn't take place. 3rd time jio her and was planning to do a viral or meaningful video, did not follow through her script and it did not happen again. 4th time jio her, she agreed then back off last minute because she was on holiday and cannot make it back in time. How would anybody feel if it was me? of course stop jioing her la. Waste my time already.
What was so disturbing to me is when the person asked if I'm still making films after more than a year of not contacting. Felt as though if I'm doing well then B is intending to ride on my success. Or perhaps by listening to the pain that I'm going through, B will feel better as not to have made the choice of doing films. Okay maybe I'm thinking too much. Then B started to talked about the video we made when I jio her the 1st time. And B started to say like how nice if we can do something like this again.. that B is getting old and maybe someday I would direct a movie written by B... I'm like WTF?! are you serious? Don't make your aspiration mine aspiration.. please do not put any burden on me to fulfilled your dream or whatsoever. This is honestly ridiculous and disturbing. So I told B no I'm not making films anymore, live your own dreams, in a nice manner of course.
B said I need some good marketing skills and all... So I told B blah blah blah.. about how mine priority has changed and how B have a lot of talent, should live our dream and all... honestly the lengthy conversation to me was senseless and going nowhere. The conversation ended with both of us saying "Jia you" to one another. To me it sounded dumb. If you loved film and writing please do it even as a hobby because nothing bad can happen. You will still have your job and have food to eat. Making films full time is a risk, it requires commitment, its a choice you have to made, it takes faith and courage. Your highs and lows will be great, curve will be steep and its not for everyone.
A and B is just 2 recent example.. I don't understand the concern and issue that is facing by them. Maybe they haven't shared fully with me or I just plainly don't understand. A and B haven't had a family yet so why not just give themselves 1- 2 years to commit full heartedly to this passion they have whether its hobby, part time or even full time. To me its that simple. If they choose not to made this decision then why have this passion or desire? You guys have regular jobs, good money... why choose the go through the pain of making films. Making films is so difficult. I felt that we are in different season of our lives, things have changed. We used to be in a crossroad together. Perhaps God put us together to build one another up but the direction that I'm heading to is different now. Okay I need to learn to be calm, collected and to look to the Lord strength to stay cool. Move on Eugene.. move on...Peace bro..peace
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Against All Odds
Quoting from an article that I was came across few years ago regarding Ray Pang, singapore local director. Will be slipping in some personal comments in between in brackets. haha
How do Singaporeans define success?
Many define it as having a nice house and a lot of money, but 27-year-old filmmaker Ray Pang has never set that as a standard for himself.
“I think being able to do what you are passionate about and having friends and family to support your dreams is success,” Pang, a finalist for Singapore 9 and whose growing body of films has started to draw attention in Singapore and overseas, told Yahoo! Singapore in an interview on Friday.
(I think being able to do what you are passionate about and living your dream is already a success. To me it doesn't matter if you have the support of friends and family, really)
Despite financial challenges, Pang has persisted in pursuing his vision in filmmaking.
After he earned his bachelor’s degree in film and television in Australia and returned to Singapore last year, he was unemployed for almost a year. He did not think the jobs available would suit him given what he wanted to do.
“The direction towards my goal as a director would be diverted if I were to pick those jobs offered,” he explained. (Precisely how I feel. The dilemma that I faced... Its not about just applying for a job in the film industry if you know what I mean)
Pang even moved to Taiwan to see if there were directorial opportunities there. Small production houses abounded and Pang received many offers, but due to manpower laws there he had to pack up and head back to Singapore two months later.
Seeing their son struggling to get a job in the film industry, his car mechanic father and homemaker mother gently nudged him to consider working in his dad’s workshop, but he has resisted. (I will seriously reconsider it if I will him.. come on family business yoz)
It is not as if he hasn’t been doing good work as a filmmaker. He has produced eight films, five of which have been official selections for international film festivals and two of which have received Best Film accolades. His short film “The Team”, which he wrote, produced, edited and directed, won in the editing and best film categories in ciNE65, a Singapore film competition.
Love of pictures
His dad inculcated in him a love for art and drawing early on. As a kid, Pang used to draw comic books and tried to sell them for $4.50 a booklet. He later first enrolled in Temasek Polytechnic’s Interactive Media Design course wanting to do animation, but he later switched to filmmaking as he found it to be a better platform for storytelling.
As a student, he drew inspiration from Singaporean filmmaker Royston Tan. “Seeing that a fellow Singaporean made the cut and wowed the world with his films made me think that I can do it too. And it’s not like it’s Steven Spielberg. It’s Royston, someone whose success is very relatable,” Pang said.
He aspires to make films that makes his audience think. His films are all centered around human stories and real events that he has experienced.
His other short film “Closer To Me” was inspired by a friend who was diagnosed with last stage cancer. The film was shortlisted for the People’s Choice Award and Jury's Award at the Louis Vuitton Journeys Award and is the only Singaporean filmmaker who has made it to the list of ten.
“Filmmaking is a catharsis for me. I think of death a lot and it makes me appreciate life,” he added.
Pang can throw himself so wholeheartedly into a project that this raises concern among his family.
When working on “ONE”, a short film about a triad’s skirmishes over power and money, he suffered from insomnia and depression from thinking too much about the story. Likening it to a disease that took over him, he thought about the story constantly to the point that he was dreaming about it even during breaks.
“It gets into you, in your life. Everything you think about is how to solve problems and make the film better,” Pang pointed out. (high five bro, I know exactly the feelings!)
“My wife has asked me to take care of myself and rest more because she wants to grow old with me. But I enjoy doing this, or else I wouldn’t stay up that late to think about my stories. I’m enjoying every bit of it,” said the filmmaker, who only gets two to three hours of sleep a day because of the way he works.
It’s a tough industry here
Setbacks, though, have sometimes discouraged him. He has asked himself such questions as: Why are you still doing this when you works are not appreciated or recognised? Why can’t I make this my career? (The market is just too small for now)
“I’m still struggling with these questions and it’s hard to find an answer,” he said. (I asked myself the same thing)
When working on “The Team”, which is about kids in Singapore who love football regardless of race or background, he almost scrapped the project due to a lack of sponsors.
One week before the shoot, his team still could not get any backers so he decided to deplete his savings account to finance the project. He has not regretted doing that because the film turned out to be the most enjoyable filmmaking experience he’s had.
He also enjoyed the support of friends and family, who invested their time and effort to help him out. Some friends from the industry chipped in to provide services for free while some got their kids to act in the film, lowering the cost.
In the end, he spent about $2,000 on the film when it could have easily come up to about $20,000.(as the saying goes we make money to make movies not make movies to make money)
“Many people ask me how much does making the film cost, but it’s a very sensitive question. I can’t answer your question but I can tell you that if I were to commit to it wholly in terms of two months of pre-production and production, and paying every crew, it can cost up to 20k,” he said.
“For something like this to take place, it really is about the team work. Passion is something that is very contagious. It can spread to people and affect them,” he added. (That is exactly right)
The lack of investors and sponsors frustrates Pang, just like it does other artists out there. But he shrugs his shoulders and says, ‘”What can I do about this?”
Pang has been offered opportunities out of Singapore to grow his talents and work on foreign productions. A well-known creative director in China asked Pang if he was interested in moving out to do more.
However, Pang has chosen to stay. Aside from the fact that his family and friends are here, he hopes to make it in Singapore first. He believes that it will be much more difficult to make it big locally, so finding success in the city-state would mark a greater achievement than success overseas.
“People always say if you want to make it big, leave Singapore. Come back to Singapore after you’ve made it in other countries,” he said. “But if you make it in Singapore, you will be the one of who has made it in Singapore despite of the challenges. (This is something that I disagree, the opportunity to go out to experience something different is invaluable . Bring back what's useful and explore collaboration. Only then you can tell better stories and use your influence to help many others... my thoughts)
On being nominated in S9
When Singapore 9 judge Adrian Pang chose Ray Pang as the finalist for the Entertainment category, he said, “It is very important that we champion these solo filmmakers who are trying to put Singapore filmmaking on the global map”.
Ray thanks the judges for picking him and said this sends a message to other aspiring young filmmakers out there to have the courage to develop their passion.
“When they experience setbacks, like when they make a bad film, they will think they’re not talented and not worthy,” he said.
“[They have to] stay true to their dreams, persevere, go for it and don’t look back if you want to be a filmmaker,” he added.
(Thanks for the advice. Sounds like we are in the same frequency. Hope to work with you someday bro, Peace!)
How do Singaporeans define success?
Many define it as having a nice house and a lot of money, but 27-year-old filmmaker Ray Pang has never set that as a standard for himself.
“I think being able to do what you are passionate about and having friends and family to support your dreams is success,” Pang, a finalist for Singapore 9 and whose growing body of films has started to draw attention in Singapore and overseas, told Yahoo! Singapore in an interview on Friday.
(I think being able to do what you are passionate about and living your dream is already a success. To me it doesn't matter if you have the support of friends and family, really)
Despite financial challenges, Pang has persisted in pursuing his vision in filmmaking.
After he earned his bachelor’s degree in film and television in Australia and returned to Singapore last year, he was unemployed for almost a year. He did not think the jobs available would suit him given what he wanted to do.
“The direction towards my goal as a director would be diverted if I were to pick those jobs offered,” he explained. (Precisely how I feel. The dilemma that I faced... Its not about just applying for a job in the film industry if you know what I mean)
Pang even moved to Taiwan to see if there were directorial opportunities there. Small production houses abounded and Pang received many offers, but due to manpower laws there he had to pack up and head back to Singapore two months later.
Seeing their son struggling to get a job in the film industry, his car mechanic father and homemaker mother gently nudged him to consider working in his dad’s workshop, but he has resisted. (I will seriously reconsider it if I will him.. come on family business yoz)
It is not as if he hasn’t been doing good work as a filmmaker. He has produced eight films, five of which have been official selections for international film festivals and two of which have received Best Film accolades. His short film “The Team”, which he wrote, produced, edited and directed, won in the editing and best film categories in ciNE65, a Singapore film competition.
Love of pictures
His dad inculcated in him a love for art and drawing early on. As a kid, Pang used to draw comic books and tried to sell them for $4.50 a booklet. He later first enrolled in Temasek Polytechnic’s Interactive Media Design course wanting to do animation, but he later switched to filmmaking as he found it to be a better platform for storytelling.
As a student, he drew inspiration from Singaporean filmmaker Royston Tan. “Seeing that a fellow Singaporean made the cut and wowed the world with his films made me think that I can do it too. And it’s not like it’s Steven Spielberg. It’s Royston, someone whose success is very relatable,” Pang said.
He aspires to make films that makes his audience think. His films are all centered around human stories and real events that he has experienced.
His other short film “Closer To Me” was inspired by a friend who was diagnosed with last stage cancer. The film was shortlisted for the People’s Choice Award and Jury's Award at the Louis Vuitton Journeys Award and is the only Singaporean filmmaker who has made it to the list of ten.
“Filmmaking is a catharsis for me. I think of death a lot and it makes me appreciate life,” he added.
Pang can throw himself so wholeheartedly into a project that this raises concern among his family.
When working on “ONE”, a short film about a triad’s skirmishes over power and money, he suffered from insomnia and depression from thinking too much about the story. Likening it to a disease that took over him, he thought about the story constantly to the point that he was dreaming about it even during breaks.
“It gets into you, in your life. Everything you think about is how to solve problems and make the film better,” Pang pointed out. (high five bro, I know exactly the feelings!)
“My wife has asked me to take care of myself and rest more because she wants to grow old with me. But I enjoy doing this, or else I wouldn’t stay up that late to think about my stories. I’m enjoying every bit of it,” said the filmmaker, who only gets two to three hours of sleep a day because of the way he works.
It’s a tough industry here
Setbacks, though, have sometimes discouraged him. He has asked himself such questions as: Why are you still doing this when you works are not appreciated or recognised? Why can’t I make this my career? (The market is just too small for now)
“I’m still struggling with these questions and it’s hard to find an answer,” he said. (I asked myself the same thing)
When working on “The Team”, which is about kids in Singapore who love football regardless of race or background, he almost scrapped the project due to a lack of sponsors.
One week before the shoot, his team still could not get any backers so he decided to deplete his savings account to finance the project. He has not regretted doing that because the film turned out to be the most enjoyable filmmaking experience he’s had.
He also enjoyed the support of friends and family, who invested their time and effort to help him out. Some friends from the industry chipped in to provide services for free while some got their kids to act in the film, lowering the cost.
In the end, he spent about $2,000 on the film when it could have easily come up to about $20,000.(as the saying goes we make money to make movies not make movies to make money)
“Many people ask me how much does making the film cost, but it’s a very sensitive question. I can’t answer your question but I can tell you that if I were to commit to it wholly in terms of two months of pre-production and production, and paying every crew, it can cost up to 20k,” he said.
“For something like this to take place, it really is about the team work. Passion is something that is very contagious. It can spread to people and affect them,” he added. (That is exactly right)
The lack of investors and sponsors frustrates Pang, just like it does other artists out there. But he shrugs his shoulders and says, ‘”What can I do about this?”
Pang has been offered opportunities out of Singapore to grow his talents and work on foreign productions. A well-known creative director in China asked Pang if he was interested in moving out to do more.
However, Pang has chosen to stay. Aside from the fact that his family and friends are here, he hopes to make it in Singapore first. He believes that it will be much more difficult to make it big locally, so finding success in the city-state would mark a greater achievement than success overseas.
“People always say if you want to make it big, leave Singapore. Come back to Singapore after you’ve made it in other countries,” he said. “But if you make it in Singapore, you will be the one of who has made it in Singapore despite of the challenges. (This is something that I disagree, the opportunity to go out to experience something different is invaluable . Bring back what's useful and explore collaboration. Only then you can tell better stories and use your influence to help many others... my thoughts)
On being nominated in S9
When Singapore 9 judge Adrian Pang chose Ray Pang as the finalist for the Entertainment category, he said, “It is very important that we champion these solo filmmakers who are trying to put Singapore filmmaking on the global map”.
Ray thanks the judges for picking him and said this sends a message to other aspiring young filmmakers out there to have the courage to develop their passion.
“When they experience setbacks, like when they make a bad film, they will think they’re not talented and not worthy,” he said.
“[They have to] stay true to their dreams, persevere, go for it and don’t look back if you want to be a filmmaker,” he added.
(Thanks for the advice. Sounds like we are in the same frequency. Hope to work with you someday bro, Peace!)
Sheep year or Shit year?
This marks my 41 postings on my blog, an amazing achievement since i started this blog 8 years ago and stop for about 3.5 years in between. I developed a writing habit and began to enjoy it even though frankly i'm not good at languages. Last year has been really a year of lots of ups and downs mentally, emotionally... pretty tough, lots of learning and humbling process, I have grown, I have realized.
Memory of those burnout days still haunt me. I could sense the unpleasantness, I felt depressed, overworked, not restful. Now I could look back and laugh. Very soon I will make a decision. Hopefully I will get used to working life again when the time comes and hopefully my sense of urgency will be there.
These 4 days of cny break haven't been really exciting for me. More disappointing than anything else but I need to learn to move on and move ahead. Peace!
Memory of those burnout days still haunt me. I could sense the unpleasantness, I felt depressed, overworked, not restful. Now I could look back and laugh. Very soon I will make a decision. Hopefully I will get used to working life again when the time comes and hopefully my sense of urgency will be there.
These 4 days of cny break haven't been really exciting for me. More disappointing than anything else but I need to learn to move on and move ahead. Peace!
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Sleep
Finally I'm embarking on my project after CNY which it could be my last short film; purely written, directed, produced and perhaps acted by me. I could never imagained accomplishing so much after I left my job. There were occasional fear, bills, shopping and etc.. that will crept in suddently and caught me worrying in the past 1 year. Yet all this while, I lack nothing. Occasional voices of self-condemnation will arise, telling myself "you are going broke, you are not progressing anywhere as an actor, you want to have a family? Never". It will cause you to feel irresponsible and sometimes I do not know how to answer people when they asked so what do you do everyday as a freelance videographer? I thanked God at least I really enjoyed this period of time. I thanked Him because not many people can do what they loved and still be paid for it. I also tried to feel the peace, joy and love when I'm on set. I know its His favor that I'm selected. Although I have nothing to boast as most of all the roles are nothing worth mentioning, although some of the vids i shot are not broadcast publicly, I finally have more clarity of my priorities in life.
I have been sleeping much. I remember Stephen chow was asked, "When you were still doing small roles on tv and movies, not everyday you get to act, so what do you do most of time?" He answered "Sleep". "So that when the opportunites comes I'm engerised". What he actually said was quite true. Now that I had ample rest, I do realised that it is more easy to wake at 3am for wedding shoot and 5am for call time as opposed to when I had full time job.
Of course sleep was not the only take away from the interview. Stephen Chow mentioned that he spent a great amount of time reading and watching foreign films which means he did a great amount of research. The time came and he seize the opportunity and the rest is history. What seems like his "down" period was actually the period that solid foundation was build upon. Laying the foundation takes the longest time but when it is ready, Boy it will be a time of acceleration.
Not sure what to write now, coz having quite a mixed feeling now, wanted to rest yet on the other hand, I do feel a little excited to start my project, and at a slower pace. In my following post I hope to blog about the topic Acting based on my own research and observation over the years which i also want to document for future reference. Happy CNY:) Cheers!
I have been sleeping much. I remember Stephen chow was asked, "When you were still doing small roles on tv and movies, not everyday you get to act, so what do you do most of time?" He answered "Sleep". "So that when the opportunites comes I'm engerised". What he actually said was quite true. Now that I had ample rest, I do realised that it is more easy to wake at 3am for wedding shoot and 5am for call time as opposed to when I had full time job.
Of course sleep was not the only take away from the interview. Stephen Chow mentioned that he spent a great amount of time reading and watching foreign films which means he did a great amount of research. The time came and he seize the opportunity and the rest is history. What seems like his "down" period was actually the period that solid foundation was build upon. Laying the foundation takes the longest time but when it is ready, Boy it will be a time of acceleration.
Not sure what to write now, coz having quite a mixed feeling now, wanted to rest yet on the other hand, I do feel a little excited to start my project, and at a slower pace. In my following post I hope to blog about the topic Acting based on my own research and observation over the years which i also want to document for future reference. Happy CNY:) Cheers!
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