Ang Lee: A never ending dream

In 1978, as I applied to study film at the University of Illinois, my father vehemently objected. He quoted me a statistic: ‘Every year, 50,000 performers compete for 200 available roles on Broadway.’ Against his advice, I boarded a flight to the U.S. This strained our relationship. In the two decades following, we exchanged less than a hundred phrases in conversation.

Some years later, when I graduated film school, I came to comprehend my father’s concern. It was nearly unheard of for a Chinese newcomer to make it in the American film industry. Beginning in 1983, I struggled through six years of agonizing, hopeless uncertainty. Much of the time, I was helping film crews with their equipment or working as editor’s assistant, among other miscellaneous duties. My most painful experience involved shopping a screenplay at more than thirty different production companies, and being met with harsh rejection each time.

That year, I turned 30. There’s an old Chinese saying: ‘At 30, one stands firm.’ Yet, I couldn’t even support myself. What could I do? Keep waiting, or give up my movie-making dream? My wife gave me invaluable support.

My wife was my college classmate. She was a biology major, and after graduation, went to work for a small pharmaceutical research lab. Her income was terribly modest. At the time, we already had our elder son, Haan, to raise. To appease my own feelings of guilt, I took on all housework – cooking, cleaning, taking care of our son – in addition to reading, reviewing films and writing scripts. Every evening after preparing dinner, I would sit on the front steps with Haan, telling him stories as we waited for his mother – the heroic huntress – to come home with our sustenance (income).

This kind of life felt rather undignified for a man. At one point, my in-laws gave their daughter (my wife) a sum of money, intended as start-up capital for me to open a Chinese restaurant – hoping that a business would help support my family. But my wife refused the money. When I found out about this exchange, I stayed up several nights and finally decided: This dream of mine is not meant to be. I must face reality.

Afterward (and with a heavy heart), I enrolled in a computer course at a nearby community college. At a time when employment trumped all other considerations, it seemed that only a knowledge of computers could quickly make me employable. For the days that followed, I descended into malaise. My wife, noticing my unusual demeanor, discovered a schedule of classes tucked in my bag. She made no comment that night.

The next morning, right before she got in her car to head off to work, my wife turned back and – standing there on our front steps – said, ‘Ang, don’t forget your dream.’

And that dream of mine – drowned by demands of reality – came back to life. As my wife drove off, I took the class schedule out of my bag and slowly, deliberately tore it to pieces. And tossed it in the trash.

Sometime after, I obtained funding for my screenplay, and began to shoot my own films. And after that, a few of my films started to win international awards. Recalling earlier times, my wife confessed, ‘I’ve always believed that you only need one gift. Your gift is making films. There are so many people studying computers already, they don’t need an Ang Lee to do that. If you want that golden statue, you have to commit to the dream.’

And today, I’ve finally won that golden statue. I think my own perseverance and my wife’s immeasurable sacrifice have finally met their reward. And I am now more assured than ever before: I must continue making films.

You see, I have this never-ending dream.

文 / 李安

1978年，当我准备报考美国伊利诺大学的戏剧电影系时，父亲十分反感，他给我列了一个资料：在美国百老汇，每年只有两百个角色，但却有五万人要一起争夺这少得可怜的角色。当时我一意孤行，决意登上了去美国的班机，父亲和我的关系从此恶化，近二十年间和我说的话不超过一百句。

但是，等我几年后从电影学院毕业，我终于明白了父亲的苦心所在。在美国电影界，一个没有任何背景的华人要想混出名堂来，谈何容易。从1983年起，我经过了六年的漫长而无望的等待，大多数时候都是帮剧组看看器材、做点剪辑助理、剧务之类的杂事。最痛苦的经历是，曾经拿着一个剧本，两个星期跑了三十多家公司，一次次面对别人的白眼和拒绝。

那时候，我已经将近三十岁了。古人说：三十而立。而我连自己的生活都还没法自立，怎么办？继续等待，还是就此放弃心中的电影梦？幸好。我的妻子给了我最及时的鼓励。

妻子是我的大学同学，但她是学生物学的，毕业后在当地一家小研究室做药物研究员，薪水少得可怜。那时候我们已经有了大儿子李涵，为了缓解内心的愧疚，我每天除了在家里读书、看电影、写剧本外，还包揽了所有家务，负责买菜做饭带孩子，将家里收拾得干干净净。还记得那时候，每天傍晚做完晚饭后，我就和儿子坐在门口，一边讲故事给他听，一边等待”英勇的猎人妈妈带着猎物（生活费）回家”。

这样的生活对一个男人来说，是很伤自尊心的。有段时间，岳父母让妻子给我一笔钱，让我拿去开个中餐馆，也好养家糊口，但好强的妻子拒绝了，把钱还给了老人家。我知道了这件事后，辗转反侧想了好几个晚上，终于下定决心：也许这辈子电影梦都离我太远了，还是面对现实吧。

后来，我去了社区大学，看了半天，最后心酸地报了一门电脑课。在那个生活压倒一切的年代里，似乎只有电脑可以在最短时间内让我有一技之长了。那几天我一直萎靡不振，妻子很快就发现了我的反常，细心的她发现了我包里的课程表。那晚，她一宿没和我说话。

第二天，去上班之前，她快上车了，突然，她站在台阶下转过身来，一字一句地告诉我：”安，要记得你心里的梦想！”

那一刻，我心里像突然起了一阵风，那些快要淹没在庸碌生活里的梦想，像那个早上的阳光，一直射进心底。妻子上车走了，我拿出包里的课程表，慢慢地撕成碎片，丢进了门口的垃圾桶。

后来，我的剧本得到基金会的赞助，我开始自己拿起了摄像机，再到后来，一些电影开始在国际上获奖。这个时候，妻子重提旧事，她才告诉我：”我一直就相信，人只要有一项长处就足够了，你的长处就是拍电影。学电脑的人那么多，又不差你李安一个，你要想拿到奥斯卡的小金人，就一定要保证心里有梦想。”

如今，我终于拿到了小金人。我觉得自己的忍耐、妻子的付出终于得到了回报，同时也让我更加坚定，一定要在电影这条路上一直走下去。

因为，我心里永远有一个关于电影的梦。

A little update this year

Its been sometime since I posted something. Today is going to be a little update on my life. Yes beginning of the year I went for my final CC interview and as expected I did not get in. I went home with pride, held my head high and busy myself with more important things.

Casting was pretty decent got a few corporate and tv gigs. Got the opportunity to shoot and interview with 7-8 michellin chefs, about 1 chef a month/ This means I had about few hundred  dollars coming in very month.

In june I got to attend an award ceremony... just to share a little. I think it was in Oct last year that I chance upon this film competition. I went online to watched all the past entries in 2015, which was also the year that it started. So this year was its 2nd edition. The past entries many if not all, did not really wow me and the winning films did not even had any much of production value. I felt perhaps maybe because it was chinese language based platform and or the publicity was not done well enough. So i thought it would be great for me to take part.

Theme was "My Singapore Future". I had a strong urge to want to capture some of Singapore's old places and infusing it with Tsai Ming Liang style. Then I saw an ad done by LKS. Then everything started to make sense. Initially I pitch the story to my friend Kev. But somehow I felt he was just nodding and agreeing and saying "Lets do it!" for the sake of it and later on he will forgot about it and get busy again. So I borrow camera equipments from a friend because I had a wedding proposal to shoot and because I will be holding onto it for a month I think what was best for me was to shoot on my own for the worse case scenario.

I think not long after I chatted with Kev again and strangely this time he wanted to help me and even set a date for us to shoot which was very surprising to me. We had not shot anything for 4 years now. The concept was also simple and I thought if he pull out it was okie because I could handle on my own. If it flops it could well be my last short film as well as I was going broke. I guess Kev was free during that period and he decided to help.

Fast forward with all the work and effort put into our film, I started to have vision that I'm going to win many awards for this competition. No kidding... with all the prize money and splitting it with Kev I could possibly win 5-6k along and together over 10k of money. When all the entries was released I felt proud of our work because I knew I brought up the production quality and value to this year competition. Of course winning all the awards means winning best film (5k), most popular film (2k), best director (3k), most creative film (3k) and best actor (1k). The ones that I was really eyeing for was best actor and best director award, somehow I got feeling that most creative film was ours to take because none of the entries had such distinctive style like ours.

The result was we were nominated for most creative award and best film. We were runner-up for best film and won most creative film. We were not even nominated for best director, best actor and because we did not publicise our film on social media we were not in contention for most popular film.  A little disappointed on that but I was still so grateful that we won 2 awards and got $6k! I will released the film online early next year.

A month before the awards ceremony I was actually cast for a TVC. Here's a little about the casting process. I saw the casting call online and I applied to be a doctor in the tvc. There was a hospital scene and it needed a doctor role, the usual part where the doctor coming out of the theatre comforting the family members kind. It was probably brief scene and i thought this must be decent money for couple of hours of shoot. They called me up and ask if I wanted to go down for an audition and in my mind I was thinking, "huh this kinda role also need audition ah?". But heck I went for audition on sat morning.

The whole process was strange. I knew it was insurance ad but I didn't know the story. Did a few scene and in the back of my mind I was still thinking I'm a doctor or an executive. I knew there was 1 scene I was cooking in the hawker stall and another I was standing in my restuarant, proud of my achievement. I felt I didn't do very well, just average. A month later they called me and said I was selected to play the lead role. I was elated but acted calm. "Ya okie. let me know the shoot dates. I'm fine with rates. OK see u.bye". I wasn't overjoyed just happy because it means I had some more income coming in.

The shoot process was enjoyable. It is the ideal dream team. We had 2 directors from Philippines who flew in to direct the ad, we had the best gaffer in Singapore onboard, we had such professional art department team, we had wardrobe stylist that had worked on feature films before, and the make up artist, and the interns and everyone that was involved was great to work with. Even my co actors were so talented. And meeting the legendary chef was so awesome.

Initially when I'm done with the ad I though maybe its going to be online and I get the money and go. So far the response has been positively overwhelming. They had been spamming the ad on TV, online social media, youtube like crazy. It does gives me more recognition than I deserved. But I think it is still the entire team's credit. General audience would only see me and my co-actors who front the ad but I will always see the professionals behind this inspiring ad. Grateful for chef's investor that approved me, chef himself, the directors that believed that my average acting was well enough to front the ad and last but not least the insurance company that gave me this rare opportunity when I was broke, lost and confused about what I needed to do next in my life.

So suddenly I had more income coming in, I saved a little, gave my offering, went for church camp (perhaps my last because it was quite a disappointing one) and signed up for an acting course again.
Boy it was yet another eye opening experience for me. My class had so many people that had so much more exposure than me and there was so much to learn from them. 1 guy was the lead actor of a feature film, 2 guys took part in male pageant and 1 was overall champion and the other was 2nd runner up, we had 1 creative director. 1 host and couple of guys that had theatre experience.

I realised that Strasberg method wasn't really for me as it focus on sense memory. I don't really want to go back to the times I was heartbroken or sad and then show my vulnerable side to everyone when I'm working on a scene. I lean more on imagination and also because my life is pretty dull so there is really nothing much to tap on. So probably I will not take the intermediate class. I might take the writing class though. The biggest takeaway was the relaxation exercise as mentioned even by Ang Lee himself. The essence of all method acting is relaxation. When the mind is alert and the body is relax, emotions can flow easily.

At the end of the course we had to do a monologue. Half my coursemate  actually drop out of this showcase because of various reason. I too wanted to drop out because i wasn't doing up to expectations. But I had push many gigs away and spent too much time on my monologue to call it quit. So I did my first public showcase, to close to maybe 50 people. It was pretty scary 50 people judging you instantaneously and it is just you with no co actors.  It was so different from screen acting. Overall I think i did okie. perhaps 6.5-6.9/10. But I do feel that this experience definitely had push me to a greater level.

So that is my update so far. I'm still bit lost and confused if I'm heading to the right direction. If I'm even serving God's kingdom and glorifying or honouring Jesus with what I'm doing. In the world full of infinite choices, it is difficult to know what we want or if everything we do is the right way forward. Finances I'm way better than the past 2 years but I do not like to be comfortable. I want to push boundaries and step even further. Lord please show me your ways!

Being an Actor

Quote from David Ackert on being an actor

Actors are some of the most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day-to-day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, actors face the financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who think they should get real jobs, and their own fear that they'll never work again. Every day, they have to ignore the possibility that the vision they have dedicated their lives to is a pipe dream. With every role, they stretch themselves, emotionally and physically, risking criticism and judgment. With every passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of normal life - the car, the family, the house, the nest egg. Why? Because actors are willing to give their entire lives to a moment - to that line, that laugh, that gesture, or that interpretation that will stir the audience's soul. Actors are beings who have tasted life's nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their creative spirit and touched another's heart. In that instant, they were as close to magic, God, and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own hearts, they know that to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes.

Goodbye and Thank You

Decided to penned down my thoughts to make things official. About 2 years ago I had the thought of wanting to be a cabin crew (CC) with SIA. I decided to go for the interview after I get my driving license last year. After I got my license I procrastinated for awhile just to get to the right state of mind where I can gathered my courage, willing to give up acting and filming and leave my social circle to be focus for this job and just be at peace with my decision. That took almost 6 months. I only started going for the interview early this year. I have been to the interview 6 times. I went all the way to the management round 2 times. After I turned 29, I have never got passed the debating round.

I want to make it official that I will not be attending the interview sessions anymore after the coming one. It will be last one and that's it. If I get in I get in, if not no hard feelings. It think it will be a relief from the anticipation leading to the interview week, the intense moment where you wait for your results and the nervousness in the interview process.

I still want to keep the dream of being able to fly and travel the world alive but it will be different from being able to do it as a CC now. Many friends have advised to fly or try other airlines. I kept my options open be it trying prestigious or budget airline. But the feeling of donning your country's carrier uniform, representing your country is just different. I think to go aboard now and try to adapt another country's culture over a long period is probably not the right time. I just felt the timing just didn't suit me. So that leaves many airlines like Emirates, Qatar, Cathay and JAL out. I'm 29 and turning 30 soon. If I would be employed I will give my very best and work very hard serving the company. If not, I think it's the right time to move on. I may be labelled as the guy that never makes it to SIA but its okie. I will not be defined by this.

I still want to do acting and finished up my feature length script and produce it. Having make it official I think I'm not going to sit around and wait for the next interview dates anymore. It is probably time for me to see what better opportunities are out there for me.

Will I regret not going for the interview earlier? or better prepare myself when I was selected for management round? It is tough thinking about it but there is nothing I can do now. I have to say goodbyes in the right way. Not a decision that I make lightly. I think I would be able to learned alot from being a CC. About personal grooming, quality of life and many positive values. My dad, who I have never seen wearing formal wear, my grandmum who never understands why ironing shirt and keeping things neat and clean is important and my uncle who never put hearts into cooking. Not that it is bad but I always feel we as human can do better and not be mediocre in the way we lived our lives.

Having said that I'm just immensely grateful that I got to make it to the management round back to back. Constantly telling myself not to give up and to keep trying again after each failed attempt. Hearing how some applicants tried over 10 times and finally landing the dream job is heartening. The thought of going through all the interview process is not nice.After awhile I just felt this entire ordeal had make me got used to failing. I become comfortable being rejected, partly also because I never knew why I always fail the interview. But I have to start making decision that will work towards the path of success again. Thus my decision. I always had this apprehensive feeling when I passed the different stages. A voice always there to questioned me if this is what I really want? I would always go ahead with doubts. The feeling is different from when I take up film or acting assignments. I guess that doubts translated in my outlook during the management round and they might feel that I do not have the right personality or attitude for the job. I too cannot imagined myself handling difficult passengers or serving rude people.

That would mean that I will be continuing to doing freelance acting and filming but also I felt its time for me to be a little selfish for myself. Often times sitting at home I tell myself I'm not going to be an extra anymore. I don't want people to remember me as extra, split second appearance and for some bad performances. From now on I will be even more selective in the projects I do, more direct in my opinion. I'm prepared to get lesser opportunities and make more enemies now but I have been too nice to people who have walked all over me.

I need to start thinking what is next for me. I cannot be doing extra all the time. I think there is a greater purpose and higher calling for me as it is for everyone.

Having said all these. I'm proud of how far I have come. I have been honest and as real as I can be. Not been pretentious or me trying to be someone I am not.

5 Ways to overcome fear

Most of us have experienced fear in our lives at one time or another. It could be a last-minute sales presentation that you were asked to do as your colleague was absent for the day, going to unfamiliar places or even doing things that is totally new to you.

Fear has a powerful effect on our lives and work. It is necessary to remove fear from our lives to fulfil our potential. Here are some ways to reduces and eliminate fear.

1. Understand the cause of fear
First, one needs to believe wholeheartedly that the fear he or she faces is caused by his or her mind, instead of looking for an external cause.

Doing so would not only be futile but result in more disappointment and frustration. Turn inward and be responsible for your own emotions. The conditions you face are a reflection of your inner thoughts.

2. Keep fear in the dark
Instead of giving fear less attention, we tend to do the opposite. We talk about what we fear most, complain to family and friends and even write about it. The is because humans find comfort when they know they are not alone. Limit or eliminate the attention you give to fear. Focus on the desired outcome you want instead. Imagine your family congratulating you on your success.

3. Stay positive
The more we focus on the desired outcome, the more motivated we become, and the more we will seek bigger challenges that reward us with better opportunities and prospects.

Be positive and genuine, and cultivate friendships with sincere people. Be selective with the types of movies you watch as they can have a powerful effects on your thinking and decision making process.

4. Be self-reliant
When facing work or personal challenges, it is sometimes too easy to ask someone for advice to solve your problems.

Instead of seeking second opinions, quiet the turbulence within yourself. Learn to ask yourself differently questions and have patience. The answers or desired outcome will come to you. Nobody should know you better than yourself. We must reclaim the power that we already have within us and learn to be still.

5. Demonstrate commitment to your vision
During good or bad times, this means being able to hold on to your vision until it materialises.

How long it takes to reach the end point is the true test if we are indeed loyal to what we want. Changing course of giving up halfway means that our commitment is not strong. To succeed, we must imagine ourselves achieving the desired outcome. We need to hold on to this image until we attain our goals. It is important to gain clarity on our goals before we embark in ways to achieve it.

As author and lecturer Marlanne Williamson puts it: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves: Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small  does not serve the world. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Tell yourself with conviction that you are powerful, and in due course, your goals will accomplished. We must annihilate fear at all costs so that we can go on and shine for ourselves and be the light for others to follow.

Bit and Pieces in my 20s

Decided to blog about my experience living in my 20s before i hit the big 3. I know it is still 11 months away from being 30 but i'm afraid i might not have the time to reflect or blog about it when the time comes.

Highlights of my 20s:
Hit my 20 in May 2007. It was one of the most memorable experience. I remembered I just came back from Cambodia 2 months ago. Had fun and made a lot of great friends during my 16 days there. It is probably the longest time I'm away from Singapore too. I have some of them on my FB but unfortunately other than Gary, I do not keep in touch with any of them anymore.
Miss Penny went to study her PHD and is a mum now, Mr Soh has come out of the closet, Rena became a stewardess, Eric, Yi xian, Chu xiang are married. Eric had children. Hayden became an insurance agent, married with kids too. Guan Da and Pat got married to each other. Yvonne, Nurul and Meiqin are probably still in the nursing line but for the rest I totally had no idea where and what are they doing now.

I still remembered we still meet up often after that for BBQ and some charity works few months after.
During my 2nd last term in school, I was juggling between schooling and helping out in church camps during June/July period.

This photo was taken probably 1 day before I was hospitalised. I still remembered clearly that morning, I ate a lot of fruits during breakfast and little did I know that the fruits was not handled clean. I felt feverish after that but carried on with the activities and ate the seafood lunch which was one of the highlights of the camp. Within an hour I vomited everything I ate. We went shopping after that and I was scheduled for early return as I had school the next day. During that time I bought panadol and just sat at a corner resting and almost missed my ferry. I was scolded by the camp commander and I told him I might have got food poisoning. He was not very interested in what I was saying and was just so annoyed by my bo chap behaviour. (He is a super gan cheong person and did not fit into the church working environment and left full time ministry soon after that).

When I reached home I was just vomiting and having diarrhoea and headaches. I went to my house clinic and they gave me some medicine and I continued to school the next day. The next day, I felt worse and went back to the clinic and the doctor recommended me to the A&E. As I fell ill when I was overseas, I was quarantined for 2-3 hours until my blood test results are out.There was a policeman that stood right outside my room as well. That was the worse experience ever. Then the nurse just gave some painkillers and I was IV drip. My diarrhoea was all just liquid greenish and yellowish. After about 12-16 hours ordeal, I recovered and checked out. Hospital bills was about $160 and it was the first time in my life I was hospitalised. The following Sunday, Dennis told me that the next day after I left, many fell ill as well. The camp commander apologised to members who fell ill and even came to me and offered me a cake. I was totally not appreciative at all because of the attitude he showed me while I was so sick. He even said the resort offer a free 1 night stay for the church. Oh come on who wants to visit that place again.

Last quarter of 2007, I was assigned to a IT company for internship. I think it was quite a important phase of my life as I was like a working full time staff except that I was getting paid like $420 a month. I got used to working life quite fast.  And during this time I made a lot great friends as well in the company and this company was co-existing with another company, using the same premises and  all of them christians. Only my internship mate was not christian that time. The experience was invaluable that few years later I actually return back for a 2nd spell at the company.

21
2008 was the year that many things happened. Truly a transitional period for me. I returned to school after my 3 months of internship and finished my last term which was FYP. I think my FYP was a flawless project and very thankful for Derek for rendering his help like doing up a simple PHP script and poster design while I helped him in building content for his website. Look up 2007 post for how I hated my FYP supervisor for giving me a B+ and not knowing what I was doing.

After finishing school I was contemplating to go back to my internship company or work at somewhere new. So after much consideration I choose to work in Yamaha Plaza Sing. Mainly due to few reasons, I was once a student there, I loved music and Huihui used to work there for like almost a year when I was a student. From what she said, it seemed like a fun environment to work at. It was the most fun part time job ever. Knowing the cool staff, and most of my colleagues were into JPOP and Metal music that time so they had this long hair like a typical rocker. I even remembered when I was OTing because I was bit slow learning and executing certain steps and my colleagues helped or either waited for me just to chill out after that. I didn't go church during my time there too because Dennis was overseas for like 6 months and I had no friends in church thus there was no motivation to attend. I remembered celebrating my birthday chilling at a cafe watching chelsea game with Ian.

I left Yamaha like only after 3 months plus due to enlistment in June. During my enlistment day, my dad, grandma, cousin and his girlfriend organised a family breakfast with me and accompany me to Tekong. It was probably the last time I ever had any family meals after that. Army was tough for me and I was trying to lay low but deep in my heart I wanted to go OCS. I attempted to signed on pilot but was not selected and I did not get into OCS either. POP was in Sep and I went to SISPEC instead. Another 2 months of hell. In SISPEC I think worked harder than BMT but the more I initiated things, the more mistakes I make. My result in SISPEC was bad and I was posted to signal institute. A rare photo of myself during POP as I did not take any photos with my section mates and wanted to just go back home and rest. Sadly I'm not in touch in any of my BMT friends although I have their FB. Been through many life toughest challenges with these bunch of good friends.

22 (Life in Army)
I was posted to signal sch in late Dec. It was a culture shock for me because in SISPEC everywhere we go we are always running and we are always behind schedule. Weekend was just spent sleeping. But signal school was more laid back. The instructors were more cultivated as well, meaning they don't shout or punished you for no reason. We trained together with the officer cadets and commandos too so we got observed a lot about each other. We graduated in Mar and got our 3rd Sergeant rank. Unfortunately I, along with 3/4 our my platoon mates was posted to 3rd sig Bn. Hell unit they called it.

My 1 month plus there was crazy. We were treated just like recruits and weren't allowed to sleep on the bed during the daytime. Can't use vending machine and washing machine. Everywhere we go, we got to march and sing. You never know where this treatment will end till the day you get turned out that night at around 2am. You will get Tekan the whole night till 8am in the morning. CO will paste formation badge on you and tell you well done and you know it is over.

I was really thinking about reporting depression that time. My right bedside buddy reported depression 1 week into the unit and left the platoon to be a clerk and my left bedside buddy was drafted into Ops Spec meaning he will do office/admin work and it is a stay out vocation. This cause many to want to sleep beside me. And I was so afraid to be called out to be platoon IC.

Thankfully by God's grace, during my 2nd or 3rd week there, our PC asked if anyone is multimedia trained. I raised my hand and along with 2 other platoon mates we were asked to do a simple video for the division. That moment changed my life. Although I did not know anything about video I was learning everyday. After that video was done, we finished our UIP and for the next 5 months I became the pioneer videographer to shoot for NDPeeps platform. Imagined booking in on mon, tue to fri is just conceptualising and editing videos and attending media events. Sat rehearsing for NDP. Life was great. I think I spent my birthday in camp and on one really know about it that day. Hated those SaBo session when they celebrated people's birthday.

After NDP, I spent my sep short break on a road trip to KL with my bunk mates. It was my first experience and so far the only experience. After that it was hell for another 2 month plus as we were getting ready for division exercise in Taiwan next year.  I think I got my NYAA Gold award presented by the President during this time too.

I spent my Dec on a church camp with a bunch of youths. It was combined camp with other Diocese church. It was a good experience for me to observe other church. Never expected myself to be a youth leader that time and we were champions for the tally games.

My last week in 2009 was spent in HK. I went 1 day in advance and spent a day alone there while Dennis and his other friends will fly to HK from Beijing and reached on 2nd day afternoon. It was so scary that till today I don't know how I managed to do it. Imagine checking in to airport, boarding a flight and then finding your way to the motel and planing your trip for a day all alone. After checking in to motel, I went for a dinner and walk around Nathan street for awhile and went back to rest. The next day I went to MacDonald for free wifi and plan my way to Po Lin Monastry to catch the huge Buddha statue and see the filming location for infernal affairs. I got to do a little hike as well near the hilltop and gave up halfway due to lack of oxygen. By afternoon I quickly headed back and to joined Dennis and the rest. I must say the trip became more fun with those friends. The highlights were visiting wax museum, star avenue and ocean theme park.

These were my favourite photos taken during the trip. It was taken with my phone and although it looked kind of flat, I really like the visual composition. I even submitted them for my NTU ADM portfolio.


23 (Life After Army)
Jan to April was spent going outfield, checking vehicles and equipment and packing them for shipping overseas. Daily conversation in bunk was just about what to do after our NS. Some went on to study and some decided to work. Don't remember celebrating my birthday. And 1 day after my birthday I went to Taiwan. 21 days in Taiwan, that broke my record for Cambodia trip being away from home.

We spend first 3 days checking on equipments. Then another 2 days just waiting before we were activated for outfield for the next 12 days. The first 5 days was mentally challenging. We were camp at a huge field waiting for activation and I was the last vehicle to moved out. Then we were at an abandoned industrial area for another 2 nights. It was hard to sleep in the vehicle too. Next we went into a country side farming area for another 2 days. Finally our mission came,  we were to be advance party to setup monitoring system for the whole division while returning back from exercise. The division could only moved out or return after we setup the communication. So we were the first to know that exercise actually ended. In the next 48hours we went like 300KM ahead to the final destination camp site. There was 1 major  and a few MPs escorting our convoy. There was heavy rain, we went through cemetery, stopover at a temple and went through difficult upslope and long straight roads. Within our convoy there was even an accident that happened. Really memorable experience, dangerous as well. Felt like we completed a very important mission.

After 18 days in Taiwan army camp it was R&R. First day we went to some theme park and night market. 2nd and 3rd day I went with just Yong Li and Daryl to walk about and catch nice scenery. The rest went for hair cut and clubbing which I'm not very keen. But overall think i enjoyed the 2nd and 3rd day:)

After returning from Taiwan, I ORD. The next 2 months was just finding a job. I was very keen on being a filmmaker and don't mind starting from the lowest which is to be production assistant. After sending so many resume I got a job in a small production house.

I spent a few weeks preparing for this global scholar and leaders conference which turned out be some self proclaim events by some delusion individuals. The conference went on anyway for a week as I volunteered for it. Well to me it was another opportunity for me to make friends. After that I started my job as production assistant.

For the next 5 weeks, every day was hell and were so long. The producers were being difficult to me. Asked me to do house cleaning. Every other day buying food for the crew. Doing transcribing. Running errand and doing location recce with vague information given. I think once I worked 12 days straight and totally lost track of time. The director decided to let me go as he did not know what I can do when production start and deep inside me I was rejoicing. Hallelujah!

So I signed up a filmmaking course at Objectifs and make my first short film. Directing my first short film. I think the experience was better than being a production assistant. I bumped into a friend outside a tuition center while I was having dinner one day. He is the owner of the center and I randomly asked him if he is looking for people to hire and I started working there like a week later while learning at objectifs. It was during this time that I also started trying out acting and started to go for audition. We managed to screened our work in Dec and I was so excited to let people watch my film. Yay! Although only 1 friend came to watch my film.

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After working part time in the tuition center for like 4 months and doing acting, my savings was depleting. During this time my grandma passed away too. I decided to go back to my internship company as a full time staff. The decision was because I could save some money, pick up some part time filmmaking course and do shooting or act during my free time.

I went back in March. Officially celebrated my birthday for the 1st time and in the company during a meeting. Everyday was quite mundane in the company except during our company retreat. I thought we were going overseas but in all my time there we never had any budget. It only happened when I was an intern then.

Early Nov I went to a church conference with WM and Jo and their church mates. During that time I was thinking about leaving CHS. Spiritually I was not growing, i didn't had much friends there and went to church because I was serving not because of God. The conference crowd was huge we had maybe 500 people there. After the conference, we went to stayed in Kuta for 1 night and went to Ubud to stay for 2 nights. The villa at Ubud was serene and really nice. I hope I can return again one day. The Kuta night stay we went for post conference party. Cause me and WM to have slight diarrhoea. So we did not do any xiong activities during ubud stay. It was just chilling at cafe, went to monkey temple and trying out some of their local delights. I always prefer small group interaction like 3-4 people as compared to big groups. It was also during this time that Jo talked about leaving the job and leaving SG. I was thinking about making plans to leave too as I don't see a future in that company. 

Had a quiet Dec. I believed it was also during this period that Dennis and I consulted the CHS pastor at that time about reform in the church. I consulted Pastor Titus too but I came to realised how fake and bias he is and stop contacting him altogether.  3 months nothing was done and I left CHS.


25
Early the year I went back to saints alumni band and started practising my saxophone again to play for a funeral and huihui's wedding. I decided to spent the next 3 months taking part in a short film competition. My rationale was to give my 120%, win something and given internship with Jteam and got a valid excuse to quit the company. Sadly I did not win anything. Jo left the company in May and Andy left in Sep.

I auditioned for ABTM and became an extra. Shot with them for like 7-8 days with them. Then went for light and grip workshop with NCC. I started attending NCC but not on regular basis though. I joined the 48FHP, Fly By night and durex competition.

It was a hectic year as I need to covered up for Andy when he left and to continue pursue my passion in film.

26
This year I did not make any films. I decided to wait for the right timing when new staff came to solved our manpower issue but it never happened. One of the manager even quit after like less than 1.5 years into the job. So i decided to hold a little longer first. I prayed about it and there was no deliverance. Mar came, then I told myself perhaps May? May came and gone, nothing. Then I told myself Aug. Aug came and was about to end. I tender in end Aug and immediately 2 new staff came. I extended till Dec. I also went for my first NCC mission trip in Sep and did a couple of outreach shoot for church.

The photo sums up my year in 2013. A year of open doors, a year of close doors.

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Decided to signed up for a acting course and driving lesson. Did had a short spell with a wedding videographer to shoot 3 weddings and 1 corporate videos. I was helping Kevin for 3 corporate videos shoot. I thought he could used me on a regular basis like at least once a month but it never happened. We discussed about making short film too but all were just fruitless discussion. I started to formed friendship with my CG  mates too. It was a year that I was just grateful for everything in my life.

It was also partly cause my cousin got into trouble with the law and was convicted. The house has lesser negative energy and I could roam around and do many things alone at home. Seriously I can never understand his crazy ethnic. Tattooed his whole body, having a daughter and refused to marry his GF and doesn't want to work but want to have a car.

This is the year that many of my friendship outside of church are put to the test as well. And many I have lost touch.

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First half of the year I was just concentrating on few things. Acting, fitness and getting my driving license. Finally in June I got my license.

Decided to pick up a photography course in Aug. During that time my dog passed away too. I was so devasted and really blamed my grandma silently for the loss. But in a way I'm happy too because if it was still around it would suffer even more as my grandma is just not capable to take care of it.

Went for my first church camp in 6 years and really enjoyed it. But it really felt different in a way that previous camp I'm either organiser or leader in the group. Being in NCC made me even more passive and I just want sit around and just be a member or spectator.

Friends in the CG starts to leave and the worse part, is the announcement of the split of CG. Most if not all the people that I'm close with or could relate to are assigned to the new CG. I remained in the same group.

I also managed to get an acting job that paid me $1k for 8-9 days of filming. Probably the highest since I started acting. Decided to end it with a photo below. The photo is taken during my photography course. Really touch me to see the relationship between man and God. I see so much humanity and sincerity in this picture.

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This year I faced the strongest spiritual warfare ever in my christian life. I went for 3 job interviews and was rejected. I find it so difficult to connect with my current CG mates. I had so little acting jobs and zero corporate video shoot. With all this happening I decided to stop attending church and CG meetings. So far it has been a month since I stopped attending church. 

Perhaps it is time to explore other CG and the best time to leave. I'm a bit tired of exploring too actually. The process of being in a new environment, getting to know new people and building relationship all over again is just tiring.

This 2-3 years, people have come and go into my life in an extreme pace, and my surroundings  changes all the time. Be it in work or church. However, I believe that much of what's inside me hasn't change. I am thankful to the people for their support and concern towards me. It had made me realised the value of friendship and to let go of those that are meaningless. I hope not to develop this habit of laziness in me because when I'm not working i'm either slacking at home, watching films or reading. Sometimes I don't see progress. When this happens, specially when there is no work for 1-2 months,  everyday or week becomes long and meaningless. Almost unimaginable at times and I do not how to explain to the people around me about what I do everyday at times. 

Despite temporary moments of happiness that I find, there is always this emptiness that seems impossible to fill. I wondered at times why God made human relationship so complicated. 

In any case, bearing in mind of how blessed I am, I will move on. And carry on living. 

Few days ago I was acting as a father. The children were adorable and the experience made me reflect on many priorities in life.

I have tried, and I will try even harder in everything I do. I may not have the biggest things in life but I will always take comfort in the little ones that I have. Everything shall come to pass. And it will just get better.

I have spent a big bulk of time watching many quality films and relearning acting all over again. And I shall announced that I'm in the scripting stage for my first feature length film. I hope to produce and act in it. I am 1/3 through the script for my 1st draft. In the next 10-11 months I planned to finished the story and perhaps carry on going for interviews. Thereafter I will save up, take a break for a year or so before I go into development hell.

My early 20s has been really exciting but not much into my late 20s. This sums up my past 10 years. There are posts that I wrote more in details, like driving experience, acting and filming career and my past full time job. By the Grace of God I am where I am now. I hope in the next 10 years, more exciting things is to come. More friendship develop and more films to be made!:) Peace

Setbacks . Failures . Roadblocks

I decided to take this time to write a post in regards to what happened recently. Picking up from Oct, I was busy doing a few gigs, I took a 2 months break and I think I was well paid for the jobs so I waited for the ultimate moment for the ultimate job that I was falling back on. It was in early Jan and I did not prepare much. I managed to cleared all the rounds of the interview till the final round. After that would be medical check-up. I did not know what was to come. I think I could have prepared better. The question asked was typical and probably they wanted clique answer. I beat around bushes, thinking back, I think my respond was kind of too serious, so to speak. The outcome of the interview was immediate. The HR came out and said to me "Eugene, you did not make it. Thanks for coming."So i failed and i left the place. The scene of me walking out along the long hallway to the carpark right to my bus stop feels like i'm voted out from survivor or apprentice show.

I was moody for awhile, maybe 1 week. And i decided to try again for the interview in March. In the meantime I was desperately looking for any ad hoc jobs available and went for a few extras role. I signed up for the stanislavski course. I'm thankful that the few roles that I got paid for and my cny ang hao money covers the course and a bit of my living expenses. The course was invaluable and fun. Make a few friends and most importantly i discovered so much more in-depth stuff about performing which I could not have otherwise.

One incident struck me during these period was when I was supposed to do a very small role for TV. I read my lines and i think i'm good. Then came all the veterans and we rehearsed, I got a bit nervous but was still able to listened to direction. When actual take came I fumble my lines. Then the actors corrected me, I was okie, I was alright although I tell myself why was it necessary because the lines are simple. AD wanted to change the line because of technical issue then director said better not. He said so simple line already cannot still want to change ah? No no no. Finally I did my best and left. I don't think I did well judging from the playback I watched but everyone moved on because it was just a very minor role and nobody gives a damn. The veterans had at least 10 to 20 times more text than mine and they fumble here and there. But its okie, its their show and have to do it till they get it right.

Another minor role came and I got over it for awhile. But everytime when I think about it even now gets me disturb. Not because I didn't do well. But the skeptical mindset of people working in the tv drama department. Just because we are in a certain category doesn't mean we are at our limitation with no rooms to improve. And I think every actors are different because we are human beings. Executing "sad" doesn't mean there is only 1 standard way of doing it. Likewise for any other expression. We shouldn't mimic. But why is it they accept mediocre standard and think it is what they or the audience want?

Another issue is at one time I can be a playing lead for a documentary drama and the next moment i'm playing an extras or minor role in the next project. This is definitely challenging me in many ways because there is no way I can tell if i'm developing my career or improving my performing. I'm just living through the motion, because of what life throws at me, I cannot be picky at every single projects. I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel, I'm living each day trying to move forward. Which is why I wanted to gave up or perhaps take a break. And to add on, something is not very right here, in the past 2 years when I applied for 10 castings in a month, I get called for 1-2 auditions. This year haven't been nice despite whatever fengshui master says or even what Pastor mentioned. These 2 months I have applied for over 20 castings and only 1 replied. I'm even afraid to acknowledge that I'm an actor because of fear. Fear of expectation, fear of judgement, fear of attention maybe? I always tell people this is my hobby, what I do part time. But no this is my calling I know it very clearly. I want to do it for as long as I can if possible.

To date, I had went for 65 auditions, 32 auditions since I quit my full time job. Been involved in 64 projects, of which 55 as actor, and of which close to 40 projects as an extra. In the end I know it is just a number. When I looked at my CV, yes I have made money from the jobs but on the whole, looking at it from a bigger picture I know I made big big sacrifices. Minus off living expenses, my driving course and the courses I have taken over these 2 years, I think I made losses, that is including opportunities cost loss.

Fast forward to Mar, I went for the 2nd time interview. I made it all the way to the final round again. This time I'm more prepared. I was praying very hard and even told some of my friends about it. I did not have any vision like I did for my driving test. Despite having been through the process I am still anxious. The final round was delayed. The time came, while walking towards the long pathway to the center I even thanked God that I managed to be able walked this path again. It is surreal really. I don't think many can do likewise.  I managed to answered every question smoothly. Too smooth I feel. The wait for the outcome was longer than the 1st time. The HR guy came and said "Eugene, Thanks for coming. You did not make it." I was devastated. But different from the 1st time. Because I know I wouldn't change anyway on how I replied the interviewer. Was it down to luck? I really don't know. The encouragement from the people around me was try again. My peers even say i'm an old bird already because I'm experienced in the interview process. Truth is i'm not old bird but a damn loser that had never make it pass the final round.

This experienced made me reflect on many things. Like I should have quit my full time job eariler. 3 years is too long to stay in a job you know you are not going to develop a career on. I should went for the interview earlier too and not at the start of this year. Age may played as a factor but I don't know. Now my savings could only last me till the end of the year. I'm beginning to wonder if I have been in a delusion and if i have make the right choices. Will I try again for the interview? Pretty tiring process I assure you. I loved to but the waiting time also proves challenging to my patience. I should not have take it as a backup plan like as though I can passed all the rounds like a boss. When it is not your priority and one day you make it your utmost priority, it might be too late. It all started with a dream to fly. I will try again and see how. When I feel it is time to move on, I will. Now I got an interview to teach and i'm also equally excited.

Church life haven't been smooth as well. My cg leaders are pragmatic. With them around, you will never feel destined to reign or feel like this is the day the Lord has made. And the only time they would contact me is when they needed my assistance. As i'm writing this now at this very moment I have decided to chao geng today's cg. I was asked to serve and I agreed but now that I think about it, I feel like I need to be accountable to the leaders, the members and fellow servers.I'm sorry Jesus. I have to be honest I have been pretty jaded with life.. not work as I don't have a job. I was supposed to share devo once every 2 weeks and I wondered if anybody really read the chat group or if it really impacts anyone despite so much effort put into it. Feel like saying 老子不干了! 


Ministry is the same, either they called you up to serve or it is just devo if not workshop. One thing about the group setting in ministry or cg meeting is there is always breakup to groups to share about life. How is our life is going and I really have nothing to share. I haven't really got a life. A day can passes by and all I did is just applying for 1-2 casting, reading a book, going out for a jogging. I don't even interact much. I don't know how people feel. Maybe that I'm just a mysterious person or I good for nothing. Sometimes I really do feel like sharing. Like oh i'm stuck at the certain stages in doing my plot of my feature length script. or i'm doing research for my script. Do people understand or will they be interested? oh will it be "wow you are making a movie?!". I'm just afraid when I shared, people are more interested in what I do then the problems I faced.

Nothing has been right for me this year. Looking back at my last year post about driving and telling myself one day if i really got the job, nobody will bothers if you have tried 1 time, 3 times or 5 times or 20 times. Having said that I hope I don't break a record for the biggest loser for trying so many times without getting it though. I'm even embarrass to tell those I know that i'm applying for this job for sometime now.

Now what do I do now? coz I don't what to do..Lord Help! I'm in need of your Grace. Finding Grace...