Over the pass 2 months I have...
...killed more than 20 mosquitoes
...killed more than 100 bed bugs!
... failed my mock FTT test
... attended an acting academy
... completed my IPT and RT
After a quarter thru 2014, question to myself is...
Have I achieved my goals that I set out to do?
Have I given my best for people around me?
What are the things I could have done better?
Been 2 months into my acting course and its so fun! I'm so blessed to have great classmates who are all passionate and positive about acting:) And our various instructors and mentors are all so funny and humorous. Did a monologue for our class test. I was quite satisfied with my performance as I really put much focus through the week to internalize the character. My classmates did well too. Only thing I was not very happy is I look quite ugly on screen which I have no idea why. Some film I appear fine and some film I really look crap.haha
My whole class just went for an audition. Although I don't really appreciate local drama alot but I was damn nervous and in fact I think screwed up badly for the audition. Some of my classmates did well and was really well liked by the casting directors and I'm just happy for them. It makes me want to work even harder and I have no idea why I feel so down. Not that I'm envy or jealous of the favour they had but more of self condemning myself that I should have done better. I guess I'm neurotic.
Coming week will be tough... have to study for driving theory mock test, got a shoot, got class and just learned the passing for a dear army and church friend. Hard to express how I feel now. Plus the mood from the audition really makes me so moody=(
Monday, April 7, 2014
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Finding Grace
What have I been up to recently for the past 1 month? Been studying and researching about film actually. Despite the lack of opportunity still with audition I still do some work to understand the essence of film. Acting to me has strange therapeutic effect, it has the ability to relax my mind, and I really enjoy the process, of being on set, creating characters out of imagination, improvising diagolue etc.. I pray that God will teach me to rest during this period, with no agenda attached as I truly have no one to impress this time round except perhaps myself!
Life has taken a slower space allowing me to see the details which I cannot do so during my hectic and distracted lifestyle.
I would like to take this opportunity to write about my church life. I attended church when I was very young. Probably around the age of 5? My grandparents actually brought me to church back then. I think the church was called church of Singapore and we would actually take bus 31. It felt like long bus ride back then. And I think my grandparents actually was baptized there. Not long after for some reason I joined church of ascension which I have no idea why I ended up there. Probably at that time the church was reaching out to my primary school. My grandparents attended CHS too. Then my grandfather passed away when I was 8. At age 9 occasionally after my sunday school service I will drop by chs and wait for my grandmother's Chinese service to finish before going back for lunch.
It was at that time that I realized my primary school classmate, X was actually attending that church as well. We spoke chinese and were neighbours in fact. We have many things in common and I decided to join my grandmother for service instead. The full time staff at that time decided to put me on chinese sunday school. There were only about less than 10 of us back then and I got to know many people which I could connect.The sunday school teachers encourage us to join English sunday school in the morning and at noon we will attend chinese sunday school. It was just fun and play back then.
When I was about 12. Pastor T which was the chinese congre pastor at that time wanted to form a chinese youth group and I was pulled by him to join. I think it was at this age that I started to questioned many things about Christianity. I learned to be obedient, faithful and strive to be righteous in my life so that Daddy God will be please with me and bless me.
The youth group had about 20+ ppl that time mainly made up 3-4 guys and the rest are girls. I made a lot of wonderful friends within this group which the relationship I still hold dear till this day. X which was my sunday friend backslided from church back then not long after the youth group was formed. (although we were in the cca in sec school). Den which was also from the sunday school batch was older than me by 2 years. He was everyone role model from sunday school to the youth group. He is smart, good looking, play the drum, studied in a prestigious school. Every girl's prince but lo and behold he has shortcoming too. Dar was the most popular and funny guy in the group which actually made him more charming than the rest of us guys. To this day he is still single. which I have no idea why.
The youth service runs for about 2-3 years by Pastor personally. Every week we have P&W then deep bible study sessions from books materials. Every other week we would hang out after youth service from 2-3pm onwards till late7-8pm. Once a year we will have a camp where every morning and evening we have bible study sessions and we had games, outing and barbecue in between. Sometime we will disturb one another about who has a crush on who. It was so much fun and every year I would look forward to it.
At around 15, our English youth wasn't doing well. Infact many youth left due to a revolt. The only remaining left was less than 10 and I heard previously they had about 100+ of them. Pastor T at that time took over the leadership of the English congre as well as the youth. As our chinese youth progress some became not too active and new friends joined us. To boost the morale, Pastor wanted to combined the youth group into 1 entity instead. When the youth camp came, the English youth took over the planning as they reach out to the boys brigade in the sec scool as well but only 2 people from the chinese youth were elected to be in the committee. There were misunderstanding and miscommunication here and there although nothing has resulted in any aggressive confrontation.
As a chinese youth back then we will still close because youth service runs on every sat but we still have our cell group during weekdays. And we still hang out after church service on sun. Pastor hand over the running of our cell to Zhu, who was older than me by 12 years old. By right he should have graduated from the youth but he became our youth leader and disciple us.
During late 2003 to 2004, my school and church needed to relocate because they wanted to build a village, combining the kindergarten, primary, secondary and jc together. Our church actually was using another church premises and I think in between some people left the church due to inconvenience. During this time, it was the most important phase our lives as we will preparing for O level and A level. Of course hang out and fellowship became less frequent.
Zhu at time was engaged and together with his spouse couldn't come to a solution which church to attend so they decided to move to a church that both are not familiar with. Pastor T decided to hand over cg to Sue's parents. Sue is our cg member and I really look up to her parents too. In 2005 when we moved back to our original premises Pastor T announced that he is going for studies. Moving on to Scotland for his phd. Somehow he has been an inspiration to me and being naïve I would always think after 4 years he will be back but that is not true.
We had cg after church service but there was no P&W anymore. Cg is run by everyone of us, different person each week. It was like that for a year or so till I was 18. Cg was down to 10-12 of us and rarely we have full attendance. It was this point of time that only Den and I are in chinese service. I picked the bass and was serving every week. HH plays the piano and attends service only when she is serving and don't join us for cg anymore. Most of them attend English service due to various reason. Some moved on due to following their dates, parents or just backslide because they are too busy with school and other commitment.
One fine day we did not received any news about upcoming cg meeting anymore. For months, we did not bother and after that realized Sue's parents have moved on to another church. It was really shocking to me because for the rest of the cg they just have to join the youth adult cg in the English congre. For me and Den we will shepherdless. Den and I have been very close since then or maybe few years before that during his army days.
Every sunday after service we became the only 2 that hang out together going for movie, shopping or just see see look look different place or find a nice place to eat. I got to know a lot of his friends and we were very close as we talk about almost everything. I vaguely remember in 2007 one sunday we were in suntec shopping or eating. We saw a large crowd queuing outside rock auditorium and we knew it was new creation church as we have visited 1-2 times before. We decided to just joined in the queue and attend the service. I remember there wasn't enough seats and we were seated on the floor but I was blessed by the sermon. I didn't really understand the gospel. Church to me at this point is really just a family to me, blessings me to learn guitar, sending me to combined youth church camp as a youth leader.
When I was drafted to army, I attend ncc service like once a month. It was difficult time because for 2 years chs did not have a pastor. And after every sunday serving, we had to have quick lunch then attend ncc for their 3rd service. When I joined my previous company we attended ncc more frequent almost 2 times a month. I also did bible study with my colleagues and their church friends. That is where different denomination and school of thoughts take place. I needed to make a stand. I find that Pastor Prince place his argument very well. I returned to chs to confront the new pastor as I couldn't stand his heck care attitude towards the congre and after a year nothing was done and so I left chs totally. To my surprise nobody called me. I have been attending ncc ever since couple with many of my previous company devo teaching I really learn a lot about Daddy God and his unending love.
I left chs at the time that Den got attached and I learned that he has moved on to another church as well. Pastor Prince's teaching has impacted my life and perspective of God although sometimes it is hard attending church service alone for the past 2 years. Nowadays I will noticed that I'm slipping in Pastor Prince teaching into my everyday conversation. True evangelism is sharing one's life testimony. I do find it hard back then to evangelize through community event. My whole life I have been finding grace but Grace which is the gospel which is Jesus which is love, found me instead. Thus the title of my post. This overview of my church life has shown me that nothing is coincidence. This has been a lengthy post and I shall end off here.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose".Romans 8:28
Life has taken a slower space allowing me to see the details which I cannot do so during my hectic and distracted lifestyle.
I would like to take this opportunity to write about my church life. I attended church when I was very young. Probably around the age of 5? My grandparents actually brought me to church back then. I think the church was called church of Singapore and we would actually take bus 31. It felt like long bus ride back then. And I think my grandparents actually was baptized there. Not long after for some reason I joined church of ascension which I have no idea why I ended up there. Probably at that time the church was reaching out to my primary school. My grandparents attended CHS too. Then my grandfather passed away when I was 8. At age 9 occasionally after my sunday school service I will drop by chs and wait for my grandmother's Chinese service to finish before going back for lunch.
It was at that time that I realized my primary school classmate, X was actually attending that church as well. We spoke chinese and were neighbours in fact. We have many things in common and I decided to join my grandmother for service instead. The full time staff at that time decided to put me on chinese sunday school. There were only about less than 10 of us back then and I got to know many people which I could connect.The sunday school teachers encourage us to join English sunday school in the morning and at noon we will attend chinese sunday school. It was just fun and play back then.
When I was about 12. Pastor T which was the chinese congre pastor at that time wanted to form a chinese youth group and I was pulled by him to join. I think it was at this age that I started to questioned many things about Christianity. I learned to be obedient, faithful and strive to be righteous in my life so that Daddy God will be please with me and bless me.
The youth group had about 20+ ppl that time mainly made up 3-4 guys and the rest are girls. I made a lot of wonderful friends within this group which the relationship I still hold dear till this day. X which was my sunday friend backslided from church back then not long after the youth group was formed. (although we were in the cca in sec school). Den which was also from the sunday school batch was older than me by 2 years. He was everyone role model from sunday school to the youth group. He is smart, good looking, play the drum, studied in a prestigious school. Every girl's prince but lo and behold he has shortcoming too. Dar was the most popular and funny guy in the group which actually made him more charming than the rest of us guys. To this day he is still single. which I have no idea why.
The youth service runs for about 2-3 years by Pastor personally. Every week we have P&W then deep bible study sessions from books materials. Every other week we would hang out after youth service from 2-3pm onwards till late7-8pm. Once a year we will have a camp where every morning and evening we have bible study sessions and we had games, outing and barbecue in between. Sometime we will disturb one another about who has a crush on who. It was so much fun and every year I would look forward to it.
At around 15, our English youth wasn't doing well. Infact many youth left due to a revolt. The only remaining left was less than 10 and I heard previously they had about 100+ of them. Pastor T at that time took over the leadership of the English congre as well as the youth. As our chinese youth progress some became not too active and new friends joined us. To boost the morale, Pastor wanted to combined the youth group into 1 entity instead. When the youth camp came, the English youth took over the planning as they reach out to the boys brigade in the sec scool as well but only 2 people from the chinese youth were elected to be in the committee. There were misunderstanding and miscommunication here and there although nothing has resulted in any aggressive confrontation.
As a chinese youth back then we will still close because youth service runs on every sat but we still have our cell group during weekdays. And we still hang out after church service on sun. Pastor hand over the running of our cell to Zhu, who was older than me by 12 years old. By right he should have graduated from the youth but he became our youth leader and disciple us.
During late 2003 to 2004, my school and church needed to relocate because they wanted to build a village, combining the kindergarten, primary, secondary and jc together. Our church actually was using another church premises and I think in between some people left the church due to inconvenience. During this time, it was the most important phase our lives as we will preparing for O level and A level. Of course hang out and fellowship became less frequent.
Zhu at time was engaged and together with his spouse couldn't come to a solution which church to attend so they decided to move to a church that both are not familiar with. Pastor T decided to hand over cg to Sue's parents. Sue is our cg member and I really look up to her parents too. In 2005 when we moved back to our original premises Pastor T announced that he is going for studies. Moving on to Scotland for his phd. Somehow he has been an inspiration to me and being naïve I would always think after 4 years he will be back but that is not true.
We had cg after church service but there was no P&W anymore. Cg is run by everyone of us, different person each week. It was like that for a year or so till I was 18. Cg was down to 10-12 of us and rarely we have full attendance. It was this point of time that only Den and I are in chinese service. I picked the bass and was serving every week. HH plays the piano and attends service only when she is serving and don't join us for cg anymore. Most of them attend English service due to various reason. Some moved on due to following their dates, parents or just backslide because they are too busy with school and other commitment.
One fine day we did not received any news about upcoming cg meeting anymore. For months, we did not bother and after that realized Sue's parents have moved on to another church. It was really shocking to me because for the rest of the cg they just have to join the youth adult cg in the English congre. For me and Den we will shepherdless. Den and I have been very close since then or maybe few years before that during his army days.
Every sunday after service we became the only 2 that hang out together going for movie, shopping or just see see look look different place or find a nice place to eat. I got to know a lot of his friends and we were very close as we talk about almost everything. I vaguely remember in 2007 one sunday we were in suntec shopping or eating. We saw a large crowd queuing outside rock auditorium and we knew it was new creation church as we have visited 1-2 times before. We decided to just joined in the queue and attend the service. I remember there wasn't enough seats and we were seated on the floor but I was blessed by the sermon. I didn't really understand the gospel. Church to me at this point is really just a family to me, blessings me to learn guitar, sending me to combined youth church camp as a youth leader.
When I was drafted to army, I attend ncc service like once a month. It was difficult time because for 2 years chs did not have a pastor. And after every sunday serving, we had to have quick lunch then attend ncc for their 3rd service. When I joined my previous company we attended ncc more frequent almost 2 times a month. I also did bible study with my colleagues and their church friends. That is where different denomination and school of thoughts take place. I needed to make a stand. I find that Pastor Prince place his argument very well. I returned to chs to confront the new pastor as I couldn't stand his heck care attitude towards the congre and after a year nothing was done and so I left chs totally. To my surprise nobody called me. I have been attending ncc ever since couple with many of my previous company devo teaching I really learn a lot about Daddy God and his unending love.
I left chs at the time that Den got attached and I learned that he has moved on to another church as well. Pastor Prince's teaching has impacted my life and perspective of God although sometimes it is hard attending church service alone for the past 2 years. Nowadays I will noticed that I'm slipping in Pastor Prince teaching into my everyday conversation. True evangelism is sharing one's life testimony. I do find it hard back then to evangelize through community event. My whole life I have been finding grace but Grace which is the gospel which is Jesus which is love, found me instead. Thus the title of my post. This overview of my church life has shown me that nothing is coincidence. This has been a lengthy post and I shall end off here.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose".Romans 8:28
Monday, January 13, 2014
Will You Go Out Without Knowing?
Hebrews 11:8
He went out, not knowing where he was going
Have you ever "gone out" in this way? If so, there is no logical answer possible when anyone asks you what you are doing. One of the most difficult questions to answer in Christian work is "What do you expect to do?" You don't know what you are going to do. The only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually examine your attitude toward God to see if you are willing to "go out" in every area of your life, trusting in God entirely. It is this attitude that keeps you in constant wonder, because you don't know what God is going to do next. Each morning as you wake, there is a new opportunity to "go out," building your confidence in God. ".. do not worry about your life... nor about the body... " "Luke 12:22. In other words, don't worry about the things that concerned you before you did "go out."
Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do--- He reveals to you who He is. Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and will you "go out" in complete surrender to Him until you are not surprised one iota by anything He does?
Believe God is always the God you know Him to be when you are nearest to Him. Then think how unnecessary and disrespectful worry is! Let the attitude of your life be a continued willingness to "go out" in dependence upon God, and your life will have a sacred and inexpressible charm about it that is very satisfying to Jesus, You must learn to "go out" through your convictions, creeds, or experiences until you come to the point in your faith where there is nothing between yourself and God
(Extracted from "My Utmost For His Highest" by Oswald Chambers)
He went out, not knowing where he was going
Have you ever "gone out" in this way? If so, there is no logical answer possible when anyone asks you what you are doing. One of the most difficult questions to answer in Christian work is "What do you expect to do?" You don't know what you are going to do. The only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually examine your attitude toward God to see if you are willing to "go out" in every area of your life, trusting in God entirely. It is this attitude that keeps you in constant wonder, because you don't know what God is going to do next. Each morning as you wake, there is a new opportunity to "go out," building your confidence in God. ".. do not worry about your life... nor about the body... " "Luke 12:22. In other words, don't worry about the things that concerned you before you did "go out."
Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do--- He reveals to you who He is. Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and will you "go out" in complete surrender to Him until you are not surprised one iota by anything He does?
Believe God is always the God you know Him to be when you are nearest to Him. Then think how unnecessary and disrespectful worry is! Let the attitude of your life be a continued willingness to "go out" in dependence upon God, and your life will have a sacred and inexpressible charm about it that is very satisfying to Jesus, You must learn to "go out" through your convictions, creeds, or experiences until you come to the point in your faith where there is nothing between yourself and God
(Extracted from "My Utmost For His Highest" by Oswald Chambers)
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Angry Mob
In relation to the recent little india riot, would like to quote some part of the article from a book I read.
Why Mobs Become Angry
An angry mob or group of protestors fighting for a mutual purpose does not react in the same way as an individual does when his territory is invaded; in fact, something very different occurs. As the density of the crowd increases, each individual has less personal space and starters to feel hostile, which is why, as the size of the mob increases, it becomes angrier and uglier and fights may break out. The police try to break up the crowd so that each person can regain his own personal space and become calmer.
Only in recent years have governments and town planners begun to understand the effect that high density housing projects have in depriving individuals of their personal territory. The consequences of high density living and overcrowding were seen in a study of the deer population on James Island, an island about a mile (2km) off the coast of Maryland in Chesapeake Bay in the United States. Many of the deer were dying in large numbers, despite the fact that at the time there was plenty of food, predators were not evident and infection was not present. Similar studies in earlier years with rats and rabbits revealed the same trend and further investigation showed that the deer has died as a result of overactive adrenal glands, resulting from stress caused by the degradation of each deer's personal territory as the population increased. The adrenal glands play an important part in the regulation of growth, reproduction and the level of the body's defences. A physiological reaction to the stress of over population had caused the deaths, not starvation, infection or aggression from others. They is why areas that have the highest human population density also have the highest crime and violence rates.
Interrogators use territorial invasion techniques to break down resistance of criminals being questioned. They seat the criminal on an armless, fixed chair in an open area of the room and encroach into his intimate and close Intimate Zones when asking questions, remaining there until he answers. It often takes only a short while for this territorial harassment to break down the crimina's resistance....
"One of our deepest urges is the desire to own land, This compulsion comes from the fact that it gives us the space freedom we need."
I believed many factors added to the severity of the riot. With Singapore getting more crowded than before I think its the reason why we are witnessing more protests, more crime rates and more hostile people around. I hope God will provide divine wisdom to help our leaders solve the problem and not divert/curb/ isolate (whatever you call it) it.
Why Mobs Become Angry
An angry mob or group of protestors fighting for a mutual purpose does not react in the same way as an individual does when his territory is invaded; in fact, something very different occurs. As the density of the crowd increases, each individual has less personal space and starters to feel hostile, which is why, as the size of the mob increases, it becomes angrier and uglier and fights may break out. The police try to break up the crowd so that each person can regain his own personal space and become calmer.
Only in recent years have governments and town planners begun to understand the effect that high density housing projects have in depriving individuals of their personal territory. The consequences of high density living and overcrowding were seen in a study of the deer population on James Island, an island about a mile (2km) off the coast of Maryland in Chesapeake Bay in the United States. Many of the deer were dying in large numbers, despite the fact that at the time there was plenty of food, predators were not evident and infection was not present. Similar studies in earlier years with rats and rabbits revealed the same trend and further investigation showed that the deer has died as a result of overactive adrenal glands, resulting from stress caused by the degradation of each deer's personal territory as the population increased. The adrenal glands play an important part in the regulation of growth, reproduction and the level of the body's defences. A physiological reaction to the stress of over population had caused the deaths, not starvation, infection or aggression from others. They is why areas that have the highest human population density also have the highest crime and violence rates.
Interrogators use territorial invasion techniques to break down resistance of criminals being questioned. They seat the criminal on an armless, fixed chair in an open area of the room and encroach into his intimate and close Intimate Zones when asking questions, remaining there until he answers. It often takes only a short while for this territorial harassment to break down the crimina's resistance....
"One of our deepest urges is the desire to own land, This compulsion comes from the fact that it gives us the space freedom we need."
I believed many factors added to the severity of the riot. With Singapore getting more crowded than before I think its the reason why we are witnessing more protests, more crime rates and more hostile people around. I hope God will provide divine wisdom to help our leaders solve the problem and not divert/curb/ isolate (whatever you call it) it.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Living Simple
I have been spending a good 2-3 days organizing my personal belongings and tidying up my work desk. In short, I'm throwing away lots of stuff. Like secondary schools books, poly notes and army stuff.
This Christmas as many are doing their regular shopping for gifts, I'm actually throwing away many things. And I do hope people will stop giving me presents specially photo frame or mugs or even pens as soon enough in afew years time they will be thrown away. What I do appreciate is actually just simple notes of encouragement and gratitude from one to another.
Came across this article: "World's poorest President"
Uruguay's President Jose Mujica only worldly possession is a 1987 Volkswagen Beetle. Why the emphasis on living simply? Mr Mujica, a former left-wing revolutionary, says he has no interest in amassing a fortune. The vegetarian said he has all he needs and that material wealth does not buy happiness. He said, "I'm called 'the poorest president' but I don't feel poor. Poor people are those only work to try to keep an expensive lifestyle, and always want more and more. This is a matter of freedom. If you don't have many possessions, then you don't need to work all your life like a slave to sustain them, and therefore you have more time for yourself."
2 yeas ago, his annual personal wealth was US$1800 which was the value of his car.
Robert Kiyosaki defined wealth by the number of days you can survive without physically working and still maintain your standard of living. For eg, if your monthly expenses are $5000 a month and you have $20 000 in savings, your wealth is 4 months. Wealth is actually measure in time and not dollars or asset.
With that being said, I learning to let go and throwing away many things that once defined me.
And I'm on a campaign to live as simple as possible to the point that if I can live with just $5 a day and perhaps $400-500 a month. And I hope possibly I can live off from a suitcase or smth. Life is simple but many can't accept that it's that simple thus we made simple things sophisticated to get some form of kick. Trust me life is indeed simple. If we learn to let go and change our perspective and attitude we will made complexity to simplicity:)
This Christmas as many are doing their regular shopping for gifts, I'm actually throwing away many things. And I do hope people will stop giving me presents specially photo frame or mugs or even pens as soon enough in afew years time they will be thrown away. What I do appreciate is actually just simple notes of encouragement and gratitude from one to another.
Came across this article: "World's poorest President"
Uruguay's President Jose Mujica only worldly possession is a 1987 Volkswagen Beetle. Why the emphasis on living simply? Mr Mujica, a former left-wing revolutionary, says he has no interest in amassing a fortune. The vegetarian said he has all he needs and that material wealth does not buy happiness. He said, "I'm called 'the poorest president' but I don't feel poor. Poor people are those only work to try to keep an expensive lifestyle, and always want more and more. This is a matter of freedom. If you don't have many possessions, then you don't need to work all your life like a slave to sustain them, and therefore you have more time for yourself."
2 yeas ago, his annual personal wealth was US$1800 which was the value of his car.
Robert Kiyosaki defined wealth by the number of days you can survive without physically working and still maintain your standard of living. For eg, if your monthly expenses are $5000 a month and you have $20 000 in savings, your wealth is 4 months. Wealth is actually measure in time and not dollars or asset.
With that being said, I learning to let go and throwing away many things that once defined me.
And I'm on a campaign to live as simple as possible to the point that if I can live with just $5 a day and perhaps $400-500 a month. And I hope possibly I can live off from a suitcase or smth. Life is simple but many can't accept that it's that simple thus we made simple things sophisticated to get some form of kick. Trust me life is indeed simple. If we learn to let go and change our perspective and attitude we will made complexity to simplicity:)
Is what I am doing now really what I want in life?
Today marks the 1st week after I left my job. Well not exactly, I am still a freelancer for 4-5 days.18 months ago was my last post where I was in a dilemma and after 33months + 3 months of internship I finally left.
Perhaps not many people who knew me know that I actually was working in a IT line. I hope to write about this little chapter in my life, a few years of self discovery and getting my relationship right with God, that till this day, I have no regret! And perhaps you too can take a little risk if you are at a point of indecision.
Is what I am doing now really what I want in life? I have been praying very hard on this issue. I have been talking to a lot of people ever since 8 months into my job. I come into the job hoping that I could take a break from film because I wasn't doing well in the film industry as mentioned in my previous post. Ever since my first colleague left, many things start to change. There were more business opportunity, more workloads, more OTs and overnights and with no benefits and welfare eventually more people left. I was holding the fort for very long and it seems like they were waiting for me to give my letter or forcing me out of the org. And I was there as long as I could to prove to them wrong.
Then my job eventually took up 90-95% of my time. Not creating or making film for more than a year. For a very long time, there was this constant unrest and almost continual sadness and disappointment, not that I was not performing well in my job, just that there was this great emptiness within, as if something was missing and unfulfilled.
I dragged my feet to work and occasionally even chao keng, and I was actually extremely sorry for those clients and internal staff, that they had me as a unmotivating colleague. I am not putting down my job here, just that I think I’m not made for it. And that I am lacking of something that the company needs.
I knew deep down in my heart, I wanted to go back and complete what I have left undone.I asked God to put a passion in me if I was to go back to film. Well I do not see myself becoming a known filmmaker, influential director or anything like that but more of a storyteller. Telling compelling story that hopes to inspire and give empowerment. Telling stories across all format. Be it roller coaster ride, painting, films or just verbally. And I hope God will redeem all my wasted time of 3 years!
Why now?
Because if I become too comfortable and I might be more hesitant to leave at a later time. And that my job has taken way too much of my time!
What have I learned?
I learn a lot about myself and my people skill and I learn that life is too short to be around people that u don't enjoy. I don't have time for anything that isn't good for me. I learned that my manager is not for everyone but he could be for a lot of people but he has tried to be that. Ha that aside.
I do have mixed feeling as I depart. Its coming from a realization that I'm not the person that I necessary thought I was and that I can be a better person that is more pleased with myself and the decision I made and the things I pursue. Because I risk, because I want the most unlikely guy to be managing so many things and solving so many problems, and I found my way out here, and I was ridicule, and people pick on me and I didn't back out. In fact I made one of the biggest move still (because many thought I have a lot of courage by choosing to move on) I'm a new guy now because I think apart of me died out there and a new part of me was reborn. And now unfortunately the journey has come to an end and it is time for me to go
So what is my plan?
I hope to go back and discover how fun film can be. I no longer want to do it for others’ sake or for results; I want to do it as a personal enjoyment. Taking the view that since He put me back at it, He is held responsible for the end result. I know God will put me into the right perspective, many years of discovery, a precious life lesson learnt, that is, all things will always turn around for our good as He is always faithful!
To end off, some of things that my colleague say about me during my farewell is really surprising to me. "Resourceful", "very focus person" and "intelligent" :)
Perhaps not many people who knew me know that I actually was working in a IT line. I hope to write about this little chapter in my life, a few years of self discovery and getting my relationship right with God, that till this day, I have no regret! And perhaps you too can take a little risk if you are at a point of indecision.
Is what I am doing now really what I want in life? I have been praying very hard on this issue. I have been talking to a lot of people ever since 8 months into my job. I come into the job hoping that I could take a break from film because I wasn't doing well in the film industry as mentioned in my previous post. Ever since my first colleague left, many things start to change. There were more business opportunity, more workloads, more OTs and overnights and with no benefits and welfare eventually more people left. I was holding the fort for very long and it seems like they were waiting for me to give my letter or forcing me out of the org. And I was there as long as I could to prove to them wrong.
Then my job eventually took up 90-95% of my time. Not creating or making film for more than a year. For a very long time, there was this constant unrest and almost continual sadness and disappointment, not that I was not performing well in my job, just that there was this great emptiness within, as if something was missing and unfulfilled.
I dragged my feet to work and occasionally even chao keng, and I was actually extremely sorry for those clients and internal staff, that they had me as a unmotivating colleague. I am not putting down my job here, just that I think I’m not made for it. And that I am lacking of something that the company needs.
I knew deep down in my heart, I wanted to go back and complete what I have left undone.I asked God to put a passion in me if I was to go back to film. Well I do not see myself becoming a known filmmaker, influential director or anything like that but more of a storyteller. Telling compelling story that hopes to inspire and give empowerment. Telling stories across all format. Be it roller coaster ride, painting, films or just verbally. And I hope God will redeem all my wasted time of 3 years!
Why now?
Because if I become too comfortable and I might be more hesitant to leave at a later time. And that my job has taken way too much of my time!
What have I learned?
I learn a lot about myself and my people skill and I learn that life is too short to be around people that u don't enjoy. I don't have time for anything that isn't good for me. I learned that my manager is not for everyone but he could be for a lot of people but he has tried to be that. Ha that aside.
I do have mixed feeling as I depart. Its coming from a realization that I'm not the person that I necessary thought I was and that I can be a better person that is more pleased with myself and the decision I made and the things I pursue. Because I risk, because I want the most unlikely guy to be managing so many things and solving so many problems, and I found my way out here, and I was ridicule, and people pick on me and I didn't back out. In fact I made one of the biggest move still (because many thought I have a lot of courage by choosing to move on) I'm a new guy now because I think apart of me died out there and a new part of me was reborn. And now unfortunately the journey has come to an end and it is time for me to go
So what is my plan?
I hope to go back and discover how fun film can be. I no longer want to do it for others’ sake or for results; I want to do it as a personal enjoyment. Taking the view that since He put me back at it, He is held responsible for the end result. I know God will put me into the right perspective, many years of discovery, a precious life lesson learnt, that is, all things will always turn around for our good as He is always faithful!
To end off, some of things that my colleague say about me during my farewell is really surprising to me. "Resourceful", "very focus person" and "intelligent" :)
Saturday, June 30, 2012
How I started...
Today I decided to write about I started as a filmmaker and my thoughts thus far...
I'm afraid i'm might not get opportunity to share my life story so i wanted to share it here..
Ever since young my only form of entertainment at home was watching TV.. I love to watch old hk movies, series and singapore tv series.. it was really entertaining back then and I remember occasionally my father would take me to watch Jackie Chan movie during sch holidays.. Jackie Chan's movies are the very first movies I watched in the cinema and I remember it was at Kallang Theatre (think its closed down already). It was quiet and there was not much people. My father would always fall asleep and I would be thinking what a waste of money for him. The interesting part about Jackie Chan movie is that it would always show behind the scenes during the rolling credits and I thought there is so much effort put into it and how I wished i'm part of the crew as well.
During my secdonary sch days... TV programs and shows have evovled but I was still interested to be in the media industry. I didn't do very well for my O level and was rejected by all the courses I applied first time and appeal for 1 course for each Poly. Choo Teck advised me on the courses I should take. I waited for 1 month for the results and NYP MIT responsed fast and I was in the course in no time. The word multimedia was appealing to me too. Sounds so interesting and AH TAS...
The modules were very technical and not what I like to do but at the same time I have no choice and didnt know very much what I can or love to do. It was perservance and the friendship with my poly mates that keep me going...
During my 3 years I joined OGL and there was a finale team (another ahtas name) that was "specially" selected to do a last day performance for the freshies. I was not selected and jumped at a chance to volunteer be an actor for the skit part. I think the writer and director for the skit was Kamal and all the cast was given a temp role to try out. Majority of the cast were given a fix role after a week and i think Nic, my classmates who was in the finale team tried to keep me in the team even though Kamal thought I wasnt good enough. After much discussion I became a backup actor incase any of the main cast was sicked, couldn't make it or decided to backout. I sat there and observed most of time that they decided why not I try to be a "ninja". A ninja's jobs is to move and shifts props when the curtains is drawn between scenes. The 3 weeks of rehearsal became a success. The experience make me feel that doing threatre is not easy but worthwhile. It was an eyeopener for me even though I was not acting. That is my 1st and last threatre experience so far..
Throughout the 3 years in poly I did skit for church as well and for the cambodia trip. For church it was worse because I'm actually nervous about remembering lines and doing facial expressions infront of so many ppl so ended up I acted as "Pig" and "Tree". Yes not even proper human being with lines. It was it and thing that I acted but ppl actually laugh at it and I though just a simple movement and gesture and make a crowd laugh so hard..maybe i can do better next time. So during cambodia trip all of us have to act in the skit. I was okie with anything and acted as a doctor. I think we have to do 2 skits in a day and for 6 days contiuous. This was a simple skit but an experience for me as well as a filmmaker now. We have to make students laugh and feel interesting even though we are already doing it for 3-4 days for the 6-7 times...
Nothing much went on and I went to army.. UIP make me feel really depressed couple with guard duty and being COS duty. After afew weeks of uip suddenly an officer shouted out "Anyone have multimedia background?". Chin wee, Desmond and me raised our hands because all our diploma had "multimedia" word on it and we were picked out to be under a captain. He showed us the multimedia room and I was like "what the" there is such a cool room in army camp? So yeah we are suppose to do division video for the camp. I actually cant edit and was learning.. chin wee thought i couldn't do anything and we decided I did the most tedious yet most simple editing which was to create a pictures montage for the ending video using after effects. First and last time I touch after effects but was really cool.
After the video we went back to our depressing situation then Ronald asked me if I was interested to do video for NDP youtube and of course I said yes. Along with some that do not have film background we shoot whatever theme was given to us for the week. The life was shiok and I get to go so many places and met so many interesting people. We have Staff Sarivjit to drive us around and whenever we are done we can go home and report to camp next day evening. I met ppl like Li Nanxing, Irene Ang, BG Tan Chuan Jin (now MP), Kelvin Tan, Electrico and interesting tourists.. and been to the Flyer for free, went to media event, stage of the marina platform, and ops room where all the COLs operate for NDP, marina barage and even see how shooting gallery work together to shoot for NDP MTV 09.. there is so much more to mention...
After NDP I was convinced film was the path I wanted to take because my life changed and i'm more happy doing films. I took the chance to sign with JCM as a talent. I was cheated of money and they never got back to me. I applied ntu adm 2 times but was rejected. After ord I wanted to study film but I have no money so i wanted to work in films. Only h**ds replied and I couldn't fit in. I was a production assistant and did location but was abused and cheated of salary again. work for 5 weeks i think. I watched some audition tapes and observed onset.. I was thinking that is not so difficult. Haikel doesn't have looks and Belle is so diva and they can stay in the industry for so long...
The only thing I learned is probably their professionalism when they working with outsource ppl and females in the company.
After I left I went to try out acting. I went for afew audition. I was nervous and wasn't selected. After about a week or so a group ITE students contacted me and asked if I was interested to act for their fyp. And i thought why not?.. so in the end the assistant director cum writer decided to drop their mediacorp part time actor as the lead because he is too hard to work with and I became the lead. 3 days shoot became 8 days over 2 weeks. I learned alot about acting through self taught because the role was absuive, depress and violent. The lead artress was good and I learned alot from her infact we got to work again in my 2nd acting gig. It kickstart my momentum and thereafter I got afew more acting gigs. In the end the film was never release because of their imcompetence they have to redo the shoot using different casts.
I was working as a temp admin at that time and taking courses at objectifs and wrote and direct my first short film.. I was spending more than earning..roles became harder to get..from lead and supporting to extras for bigger production.. jobs in film was hard to find and I didn't want to do what I did in h**ds cause i never learned much and the time frame for each project is too long.. as a actor I can act for 2-3 projects at the same time over a month..
I decied it was time for me to stop whatever I was doing and find a decent job. Contacted joke and got into bis. I remember the night before I started work in bis i was still shooting for fairytales as passerby policemen...
Though still working in bis i still managed to get afew acting gigs and decided to direct yet another short film for a chance to work with jack neo and get out of my work situation. I hate to work on sat. I don't like what i do in bis yet i have no choice because i dont have a skillset in anything other than fixing computer and acting. Every now and then i keep thinking to myself should i go try out acting full time freelance for a while or go for acting class..sometimes i see myself onscreen i think i really cannot make it sia.. I didn't win anything for the filmfest but went for an audition for his upcoming movie and was casted as an extra.. again?!
At the age of 25, 1 year 3.5 months into my job.. i'm at a crossroad..i'm looking at my life..this is the turning point.. i could carry on in bis as long as God carries me or quit my job and find a better one and continue doing films as part time or hobby OR I can choose a path that is not certain and clear as a film maker but whether as a actor or director/writer producer i'm not sure. I want to quit my job and venture acting for a while..maybe 1 year? if cannot then find a part time job.. continue acting and consider studying BA in creative producing and see where i can go from there?
This is my life history so far! The journey continues…….
I hope next year when i blog again everything will be better...
I'm afraid i'm might not get opportunity to share my life story so i wanted to share it here..
Ever since young my only form of entertainment at home was watching TV.. I love to watch old hk movies, series and singapore tv series.. it was really entertaining back then and I remember occasionally my father would take me to watch Jackie Chan movie during sch holidays.. Jackie Chan's movies are the very first movies I watched in the cinema and I remember it was at Kallang Theatre (think its closed down already). It was quiet and there was not much people. My father would always fall asleep and I would be thinking what a waste of money for him. The interesting part about Jackie Chan movie is that it would always show behind the scenes during the rolling credits and I thought there is so much effort put into it and how I wished i'm part of the crew as well.
During my secdonary sch days... TV programs and shows have evovled but I was still interested to be in the media industry. I didn't do very well for my O level and was rejected by all the courses I applied first time and appeal for 1 course for each Poly. Choo Teck advised me on the courses I should take. I waited for 1 month for the results and NYP MIT responsed fast and I was in the course in no time. The word multimedia was appealing to me too. Sounds so interesting and AH TAS...
The modules were very technical and not what I like to do but at the same time I have no choice and didnt know very much what I can or love to do. It was perservance and the friendship with my poly mates that keep me going...
During my 3 years I joined OGL and there was a finale team (another ahtas name) that was "specially" selected to do a last day performance for the freshies. I was not selected and jumped at a chance to volunteer be an actor for the skit part. I think the writer and director for the skit was Kamal and all the cast was given a temp role to try out. Majority of the cast were given a fix role after a week and i think Nic, my classmates who was in the finale team tried to keep me in the team even though Kamal thought I wasnt good enough. After much discussion I became a backup actor incase any of the main cast was sicked, couldn't make it or decided to backout. I sat there and observed most of time that they decided why not I try to be a "ninja". A ninja's jobs is to move and shifts props when the curtains is drawn between scenes. The 3 weeks of rehearsal became a success. The experience make me feel that doing threatre is not easy but worthwhile. It was an eyeopener for me even though I was not acting. That is my 1st and last threatre experience so far..
Throughout the 3 years in poly I did skit for church as well and for the cambodia trip. For church it was worse because I'm actually nervous about remembering lines and doing facial expressions infront of so many ppl so ended up I acted as "Pig" and "Tree". Yes not even proper human being with lines. It was it and thing that I acted but ppl actually laugh at it and I though just a simple movement and gesture and make a crowd laugh so hard..maybe i can do better next time. So during cambodia trip all of us have to act in the skit. I was okie with anything and acted as a doctor. I think we have to do 2 skits in a day and for 6 days contiuous. This was a simple skit but an experience for me as well as a filmmaker now. We have to make students laugh and feel interesting even though we are already doing it for 3-4 days for the 6-7 times...
Nothing much went on and I went to army.. UIP make me feel really depressed couple with guard duty and being COS duty. After afew weeks of uip suddenly an officer shouted out "Anyone have multimedia background?". Chin wee, Desmond and me raised our hands because all our diploma had "multimedia" word on it and we were picked out to be under a captain. He showed us the multimedia room and I was like "what the" there is such a cool room in army camp? So yeah we are suppose to do division video for the camp. I actually cant edit and was learning.. chin wee thought i couldn't do anything and we decided I did the most tedious yet most simple editing which was to create a pictures montage for the ending video using after effects. First and last time I touch after effects but was really cool.
After the video we went back to our depressing situation then Ronald asked me if I was interested to do video for NDP youtube and of course I said yes. Along with some that do not have film background we shoot whatever theme was given to us for the week. The life was shiok and I get to go so many places and met so many interesting people. We have Staff Sarivjit to drive us around and whenever we are done we can go home and report to camp next day evening. I met ppl like Li Nanxing, Irene Ang, BG Tan Chuan Jin (now MP), Kelvin Tan, Electrico and interesting tourists.. and been to the Flyer for free, went to media event, stage of the marina platform, and ops room where all the COLs operate for NDP, marina barage and even see how shooting gallery work together to shoot for NDP MTV 09.. there is so much more to mention...
After NDP I was convinced film was the path I wanted to take because my life changed and i'm more happy doing films. I took the chance to sign with JCM as a talent. I was cheated of money and they never got back to me. I applied ntu adm 2 times but was rejected. After ord I wanted to study film but I have no money so i wanted to work in films. Only h**ds replied and I couldn't fit in. I was a production assistant and did location but was abused and cheated of salary again. work for 5 weeks i think. I watched some audition tapes and observed onset.. I was thinking that is not so difficult. Haikel doesn't have looks and Belle is so diva and they can stay in the industry for so long...
The only thing I learned is probably their professionalism when they working with outsource ppl and females in the company.
After I left I went to try out acting. I went for afew audition. I was nervous and wasn't selected. After about a week or so a group ITE students contacted me and asked if I was interested to act for their fyp. And i thought why not?.. so in the end the assistant director cum writer decided to drop their mediacorp part time actor as the lead because he is too hard to work with and I became the lead. 3 days shoot became 8 days over 2 weeks. I learned alot about acting through self taught because the role was absuive, depress and violent. The lead artress was good and I learned alot from her infact we got to work again in my 2nd acting gig. It kickstart my momentum and thereafter I got afew more acting gigs. In the end the film was never release because of their imcompetence they have to redo the shoot using different casts.
I was working as a temp admin at that time and taking courses at objectifs and wrote and direct my first short film.. I was spending more than earning..roles became harder to get..from lead and supporting to extras for bigger production.. jobs in film was hard to find and I didn't want to do what I did in h**ds cause i never learned much and the time frame for each project is too long.. as a actor I can act for 2-3 projects at the same time over a month..
I decied it was time for me to stop whatever I was doing and find a decent job. Contacted joke and got into bis. I remember the night before I started work in bis i was still shooting for fairytales as passerby policemen...
Though still working in bis i still managed to get afew acting gigs and decided to direct yet another short film for a chance to work with jack neo and get out of my work situation. I hate to work on sat. I don't like what i do in bis yet i have no choice because i dont have a skillset in anything other than fixing computer and acting. Every now and then i keep thinking to myself should i go try out acting full time freelance for a while or go for acting class..sometimes i see myself onscreen i think i really cannot make it sia.. I didn't win anything for the filmfest but went for an audition for his upcoming movie and was casted as an extra.. again?!
At the age of 25, 1 year 3.5 months into my job.. i'm at a crossroad..i'm looking at my life..this is the turning point.. i could carry on in bis as long as God carries me or quit my job and find a better one and continue doing films as part time or hobby OR I can choose a path that is not certain and clear as a film maker but whether as a actor or director/writer producer i'm not sure. I want to quit my job and venture acting for a while..maybe 1 year? if cannot then find a part time job.. continue acting and consider studying BA in creative producing and see where i can go from there?
This is my life history so far! The journey continues…….
I hope next year when i blog again everything will be better...
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