I decided to take this time to write a post in regards to what happened recently. Picking up from Oct, I was busy doing a few gigs, I took a 2 months break and I think I was well paid for the jobs so I waited for the ultimate moment for the ultimate job that I was falling back on. It was in early Jan and I did not prepare much. I managed to cleared all the rounds of the interview till the final round. After that would be medical check-up. I did not know what was to come. I think I could have prepared better. The question asked was typical and probably they wanted clique answer. I beat around bushes, thinking back, I think my respond was kind of too serious, so to speak. The outcome of the interview was immediate. The HR came out and said to me "Eugene, you did not make it. Thanks for coming."So i failed and i left the place. The scene of me walking out along the long hallway to the carpark right to my bus stop feels like i'm voted out from survivor or apprentice show.
I was moody for awhile, maybe 1 week. And i decided to try again for the interview in March. In the meantime I was desperately looking for any ad hoc jobs available and went for a few extras role. I signed up for the stanislavski course. I'm thankful that the few roles that I got paid for and my cny ang hao money covers the course and a bit of my living expenses. The course was invaluable and fun. Make a few friends and most importantly i discovered so much more in-depth stuff about performing which I could not have otherwise.
One incident struck me during these period was when I was supposed to do a very small role for TV. I read my lines and i think i'm good. Then came all the veterans and we rehearsed, I got a bit nervous but was still able to listened to direction. When actual take came I fumble my lines. Then the actors corrected me, I was okie, I was alright although I tell myself why was it necessary because the lines are simple. AD wanted to change the line because of technical issue then director said better not. He said so simple line already cannot still want to change ah? No no no. Finally I did my best and left. I don't think I did well judging from the playback I watched but everyone moved on because it was just a very minor role and nobody gives a damn. The veterans had at least 10 to 20 times more text than mine and they fumble here and there. But its okie, its their show and have to do it till they get it right.
Another minor role came and I got over it for awhile. But everytime when I think about it even now gets me disturb. Not because I didn't do well. But the skeptical mindset of people working in the tv drama department. Just because we are in a certain category doesn't mean we are at our limitation with no rooms to improve. And I think every actors are different because we are human beings. Executing "sad" doesn't mean there is only 1 standard way of doing it. Likewise for any other expression. We shouldn't mimic. But why is it they accept mediocre standard and think it is what they or the audience want?
Another issue is at one time I can be a playing lead for a documentary drama and the next moment i'm playing an extras or minor role in the next project. This is definitely challenging me in many ways because there is no way I can tell if i'm developing my career or improving my performing. I'm just living through the motion, because of what life throws at me, I cannot be picky at every single projects. I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel, I'm living each day trying to move forward. Which is why I wanted to gave up or perhaps take a break. And to add on, something is not very right here, in the past 2 years when I applied for 10 castings in a month, I get called for 1-2 auditions. This year haven't been nice despite whatever fengshui master says or even what Pastor mentioned. These 2 months I have applied for over 20 castings and only 1 replied. I'm even afraid to acknowledge that I'm an actor because of fear. Fear of expectation, fear of judgement, fear of attention maybe? I always tell people this is my hobby, what I do part time. But no this is my calling I know it very clearly. I want to do it for as long as I can if possible.
To date, I had went for 65 auditions, 32 auditions since I quit my full time job. Been involved in 64 projects, of which 55 as actor, and of which close to 40 projects as an extra. In the end I know it is just a number. When I looked at my CV, yes I have made money from the jobs but on the whole, looking at it from a bigger picture I know I made big big sacrifices. Minus off living expenses, my driving course and the courses I have taken over these 2 years, I think I made losses, that is including opportunities cost loss.
Fast forward to Mar, I went for the 2nd time interview. I made it all the way to the final round again. This time I'm more prepared. I was praying very hard and even told some of my friends about it. I did not have any vision like I did for my driving test. Despite having been through the process I am still anxious. The final round was delayed. The time came, while walking towards the long pathway to the center I even thanked God that I managed to be able walked this path again. It is surreal really. I don't think many can do likewise. I managed to answered every question smoothly. Too smooth I feel. The wait for the outcome was longer than the 1st time. The HR guy came and said "Eugene, Thanks for coming. You did not make it." I was devastated. But different from the 1st time. Because I know I wouldn't change anyway on how I replied the interviewer. Was it down to luck? I really don't know. The encouragement from the people around me was try again. My peers even say i'm an old bird already because I'm experienced in the interview process. Truth is i'm not old bird but a damn loser that had never make it pass the final round.
This experienced made me reflect on many things. Like I should have quit my full time job eariler. 3 years is too long to stay in a job you know you are not going to develop a career on. I should went for the interview earlier too and not at the start of this year. Age may played as a factor but I don't know. Now my savings could only last me till the end of the year. I'm beginning to wonder if I have been in a delusion and if i have make the right choices. Will I try again for the interview? Pretty tiring process I assure you. I loved to but the waiting time also proves challenging to my patience. I should not have take it as a backup plan like as though I can passed all the rounds like a boss. When it is not your priority and one day you make it your utmost priority, it might be too late. It all started with a dream to fly. I will try again and see how. When I feel it is time to move on, I will. Now I got an interview to teach and i'm also equally excited.
Church life haven't been smooth as well. My cg leaders are pragmatic. With them around, you will never feel destined to reign or feel like this is the day the Lord has made. And the only time they would contact me is when they needed my assistance. As i'm writing this now at this very moment I have decided to chao geng today's cg. I was asked to serve and I agreed but now that I think about it, I feel like I need to be accountable to the leaders, the members and fellow servers.I'm sorry Jesus. I have to be honest I have been pretty jaded with life.. not work as I don't have a job. I was supposed to share devo once every 2 weeks and I wondered if anybody really read the chat group or if it really impacts anyone despite so much effort put into it. Feel like saying 老子不干了!
Ministry is the same, either they called you up to serve or it is just devo if not workshop. One thing about the group setting in ministry or cg meeting is there is always breakup to groups to share about life. How is our life is going and I really have nothing to share. I haven't really got a life. A day can passes by and all I did is just applying for 1-2 casting, reading a book, going out for a jogging. I don't even interact much. I don't know how people feel. Maybe that I'm just a mysterious person or I good for nothing. Sometimes I really do feel like sharing. Like oh i'm stuck at the certain stages in doing my plot of my feature length script. or i'm doing research for my script. Do people understand or will they be interested? oh will it be "wow you are making a movie?!". I'm just afraid when I shared, people are more interested in what I do then the problems I faced.
Nothing has been right for me this year. Looking back at my last year post about driving and telling myself one day if i really got the job, nobody will bothers if you have tried 1 time, 3 times or 5 times or 20 times. Having said that I hope I don't break a record for the biggest loser for trying so many times without getting it though. I'm even embarrass to tell those I know that i'm applying for this job for sometime now.
Now what do I do now? coz I don't what to do..Lord Help! I'm in need of your Grace. Finding Grace...
