Driving

When I left my job, I knew one of the priorities was getting my driving license but I took my own sweet time to attend the theory lessons and took the tests all over again. Until when I recently injured my hand that I felt it was time to start my practical since I'm can't do much filming either.

Cut the long story short, I had already attended 21 practical lessons with sch with 6 different instructors .Every instructor has their own way and style of teaching and driving. Some instructor focus on technique and some focus on safety while some others just wanted to get by and don't offer much feedback.

I researched and read blogs about people writing about their driving experience. I will not write much in details as you can researched online, there are many blogs out there that is very resourceful in my opinion. And like many of those blogs that I read, I too faced a very sianz period with the instructors during my early stage. I was not really excited about going to school and in fact I find it a drag. Had a brush with one of the instructors that I always get. The instructor had high expectations, will always remind me to book more lessons and find that my progress is too slow and sometimes when I make mistakes, instructor will face palm or shake her head. Though its deheartening its still nothing compared to  my previous pdi. In school, they can't use profanity if not they might get complaint and it will affect their performance and perhaps even their bonus, so its a reputation issue.

First of all, I didn't know its good to book 2-3 lessons in a week as no one advised me on that until the instructor told me so which is kinda late because I have already book 2 months in advance for my slot. And moreover some of friends who got their license during ns, mentioned they can only do so once a week cause need to book in ma which I thought once a week is good enough. I was only advised not to have a big gap between each lesson as I might get rusty with my skills.

Secondly, can't expect that once the method is taught that the students can execute perfectly right? Students need to practice and we are there to make mistakes isn't it?

What got me irritated was when I was asked me why I decided to take manual instead of auto. And this instructor started talking about how fast I can get my license if I switched to auto and how easy it is to handle auto cars. Seriously! I don't understand why I was told all that but the impressions that I get is that I'm a lousy driver in the group and wanted me to switch to auto so I will be transfered to auto group. That is the reason why I don't really look forward to having lessons taught by this particular instructor during my early stage. The problem is you can't tell which instructors you are getting till the lesson starts.

Strangely after this incident, this instructor did not teach me for a short period of time and I got to experienced many different instructors and that is when I get to appriecate this instructor that I felt obnoxoius about. Because I felt that some instructors are worse. They don't give much feedback. I dont know what they are talking about sometimes. Can't connect with them. They keep quiet then wait for you to make mistakes then they start nagging and insist their right of way. Sometimes they ask me how I find other instructors and there was one that said, "No! that fellow method is wrong, the right way is blah blah blah!..."with his face so close to mine like gonna kiss me like that.  The other instructor that I appreciated a lot was Mr L. After my 1st instructor stop taking me, Mr L started to take me for back to back lesson from time to time before I'm randomly threw to other instructor for 1 or 2 lessons and back to Mr L again. He know my weaknesses very well and constantly reminds me in the vehicle to do this and that. Overtime my reaction becomes faster and I realized I can multiple task quite abit.  I must say he instilled a lot of confidence in me. Every time I get a new instructor for the first time I would always feel nervous but because of all the lessons and practice that I had with Mr L, despite the nervousness I'm still competent to handle the vehicle and then after maybe 20-30mins of warm-up, I will be fine. And over time I did improve, so the 1st instructor and Mr L will starts to casual chat with me when I get them for my lessons. Now I would always pray I will get the 2 instructors that I find favour with.

I'm a little over the halfway mark of obtaining my driving license I think, maybe even 2/3. Somehow I still do not have a lot of confident in my driving or maybe most of the instructors did not give me the assurance that I can drive like Mr L do.

Honestly I don't think I'm a lousy driver. I may be a slow learner and my progress is slow but I'm moving forward. I still stalled my vehicle at least 2 times in every lesson but I'm not a hopeless student or driver. That is something that I need to make clear to all the instructors out there. This is the time that I needed God's grace. Despite of how we fail, or miss the mark, Jesus will always catch us when we fall, such is the assurance and the hope. I always have this vision that one day I'm qualified driver on the road. I happen to know all the people driving around me. Person A driving beside me told me he failed his driving 5 times. Person B driving in front of me told me he failed his driving 3 times. Then comes Person C, saying he passed his driving on his first time. So the morale of story is this, it doesn't  matter how many times we failed, because what matters now is we are all qualified drivers. Just persevere, no matter how many tp tests I will end up taking, somehow eventually you will get there.

This is the light I see. Sometimes I do get self condemn because of the things the instuctors said but it's also because that I lose focus on God's grace. Worry and fear begins to cloud my mind. I start to see my incompetence, my inability to improve things, which is all about "me me me". It is time to just give up and look up, for our Helper is waiting to help, but Help simply cannot get a hold of the situation while we are still holding tightly to it. This is what I have been struggling, sometimes and some areas seem more intense. Let not my heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. This is so difficult, God help me!

I'm about to go into stage 3 of my driving. I need to learn to keep moving forward
PS: This is my official post about my driving experience which was written late Oct last year

Absurd

I have a slow start to the year. Haven't had much acting or filming gig going on, so was focusing on my driving instead. My previous few post I was reminding myself to learn to let go and move on with certain people. It was so strange that recently I had a few people that started messaging me. Asking me "how are you?" and "are you still making films?"... feel like they are implying are you still a struggling filmmaker?

They used to be my filmmaking "kakis" in a sense because I would always jio them to joined local film competition and played around with the manpower or talents I have to make our team balanced. But I don't joined competition anymore unless I feel like it. I find it very strange, when there are opportunities presented to them they shunned away, shy to take the lead, become passive and couldn't commit. The hard truth is when the opportunities are gone, they are gone!

Person A is facing some serious spiritual warfare which I don't know how to help. We made couple of good films but I always feel I'm not properly utilized to my optimal as a filmmaker. My opinion have no weight because I don't have the camera and editing software so I have very little say in the creative aspects. We spent so much time churning the concept that when comes to implementation stage we become so disorganized because we seldom have a solid team which means we don't have a structure. Always find it hard to bring my opinion across to this person. One of things is putting me to act out a character because I do feel that performing is my forte and since he loved to conceptualize, direct, shoot and edit at the same time. Not that I dislike producing but I always feel I can do a lot more. We did about 4 projects together and known each other for 5 years, I'm sure we can come out with something better. Our last project was a disaster. Then we tried to discuss about joining a competition which we had 2 weeks to shoot before deadline and it didn't happen. Then I tried to initiate another possible 2 competition which he didn't reply. When eventually he did replied, I no longer got the mood to do it anymore.

Why is he facing spiritual warfare? Because he felt filmmaking is his calling. He has been in a corporate job for 6-7 years and in his early 30s. Always saying "I'm waiting for open doors from God". So in the meantime he has jumped from one gov job to another. So what open doors is he waiting for? He is not clear either. Why he feel the doors are not open? When mandy.com have constant flow of filmmaking jobs. Anyway he always abruptly killed the conversation meaning he will start a conversation in a message and reply at a rate you will feel sending letters back and forth might prompt a faster reply. The cliché reply is always "pardon my late reply... was so busy with work". That is why I don't like to entertained this kind people anymore as much as I would loved to pray and help this fellow.

Person B has got many passion. Travel, photography, entrepreneur, filmmaking and many more... feels familiar? feels like many people have these aspiration too. Jio this person a few times for competition. 1st time jio her, 1st day of competition was smooth, next day felt sick and went back home to rest, 3rd day came for the award ceremony. 2nd time jio her, no idea from the team so didn't take place. 3rd time jio her and was planning to do a viral or meaningful video, did not follow through her script and it did not happen again. 4th time jio her, she agreed then back off last minute because she was on holiday and cannot make it back in time. How would anybody feel if it was me? of course stop jioing her la. Waste my time already.

What was so disturbing to me is when the person asked if I'm still making films after more than a year of not contacting. Felt as though if I'm doing well then B is intending to ride on my success. Or perhaps by listening to the pain that I'm going through, B will feel better as not to have made the choice of doing films. Okay maybe I'm thinking too much. Then B started to talked about the video we made when I jio her the 1st time. And B started to say like how nice if we can do something like this again.. that B is getting old and maybe someday I would direct a movie written by B... I'm like WTF?! are you serious? Don't make your aspiration mine aspiration.. please do not put any burden on me to fulfilled your dream or whatsoever. This is honestly ridiculous and disturbing. So I told B no I'm not making films anymore, live your own dreams, in a nice manner of course.

B said I need some good marketing skills and all... So I told B blah blah blah.. about how mine priority has changed and how B have a lot of talent, should live our dream and all... honestly the lengthy conversation to me was senseless and going nowhere. The conversation ended with both of us saying "Jia you" to one another. To me it sounded dumb. If you loved film and writing please do it even as a hobby because nothing bad can happen. You will still have your job and have food to eat. Making films full time is a risk, it requires commitment, its a choice you have to made, it takes faith and courage. Your highs and lows will be great, curve will be steep and its not for everyone.

A and B is just 2 recent example.. I don't understand the concern and issue that is facing by them. Maybe they haven't shared fully with me or I just plainly don't understand. A and B haven't had a family yet so why not just give themselves 1- 2 years to commit full heartedly to this passion they have whether its hobby, part time or even full time. To me its that simple. If they choose not to made this decision then why have this passion or desire? You guys have regular jobs, good money... why choose the go through the pain of making films. Making films is so difficult. I felt that we are in different season of our lives, things have changed. We used to be in a crossroad together. Perhaps God put us together to build one another up but the direction that I'm heading to is different now. Okay I need to learn to be calm, collected and to look to the Lord strength to stay cool. Move on Eugene.. move on...Peace bro..peace