I have a slow start to the year. Haven't had much acting or filming gig going on, so was focusing on my driving instead. My previous few post I was reminding myself to learn to let go and move on with certain people. It was so strange that recently I had a few people that started messaging me. Asking me "how are you?" and "are you still making films?"... feel like they are implying are you still a struggling filmmaker?
They used to be my filmmaking "kakis" in a sense because I would always jio them to joined local film competition and played around with the manpower or talents I have to make our team balanced. But I don't joined competition anymore unless I feel like it. I find it very strange, when there are opportunities presented to them they shunned away, shy to take the lead, become passive and couldn't commit. The hard truth is when the opportunities are gone, they are gone!
Person A is facing some serious spiritual warfare which I don't know how to help. We made couple of good films but I always feel I'm not properly utilized to my optimal as a filmmaker. My opinion have no weight because I don't have the camera and editing software so I have very little say in the creative aspects. We spent so much time churning the concept that when comes to implementation stage we become so disorganized because we seldom have a solid team which means we don't have a structure. Always find it hard to bring my opinion across to this person. One of things is putting me to act out a character because I do feel that performing is my forte and since he loved to conceptualize, direct, shoot and edit at the same time. Not that I dislike producing but I always feel I can do a lot more. We did about 4 projects together and known each other for 5 years, I'm sure we can come out with something better. Our last project was a disaster. Then we tried to discuss about joining a competition which we had 2 weeks to shoot before deadline and it didn't happen. Then I tried to initiate another possible 2 competition which he didn't reply. When eventually he did replied, I no longer got the mood to do it anymore.
Why is he facing spiritual warfare? Because he felt filmmaking is his calling. He has been in a corporate job for 6-7 years and in his early 30s. Always saying "I'm waiting for open doors from God". So in the meantime he has jumped from one gov job to another. So what open doors is he waiting for? He is not clear either. Why he feel the doors are not open? When mandy.com have constant flow of filmmaking jobs. Anyway he always abruptly killed the conversation meaning he will start a conversation in a message and reply at a rate you will feel sending letters back and forth might prompt a faster reply. The cliché reply is always "pardon my late reply... was so busy with work". That is why I don't like to entertained this kind people anymore as much as I would loved to pray and help this fellow.
Person B has got many passion. Travel, photography, entrepreneur, filmmaking and many more... feels familiar? feels like many people have these aspiration too. Jio this person a few times for competition. 1st time jio her, 1st day of competition was smooth, next day felt sick and went back home to rest, 3rd day came for the award ceremony. 2nd time jio her, no idea from the team so didn't take place. 3rd time jio her and was planning to do a viral or meaningful video, did not follow through her script and it did not happen again. 4th time jio her, she agreed then back off last minute because she was on holiday and cannot make it back in time. How would anybody feel if it was me? of course stop jioing her la. Waste my time already.
What was so disturbing to me is when the person asked if I'm still making films after more than a year of not contacting. Felt as though if I'm doing well then B is intending to ride on my success. Or perhaps by listening to the pain that I'm going through, B will feel better as not to have made the choice of doing films. Okay maybe I'm thinking too much. Then B started to talked about the video we made when I jio her the 1st time. And B started to say like how nice if we can do something like this again.. that B is getting old and maybe someday I would direct a movie written by B... I'm like WTF?! are you serious? Don't make your aspiration mine aspiration.. please do not put any burden on me to fulfilled your dream or whatsoever. This is honestly ridiculous and disturbing. So I told B no I'm not making films anymore, live your own dreams, in a nice manner of course.
B said I need some good marketing skills and all... So I told B blah blah blah.. about how mine priority has changed and how B have a lot of talent, should live our dream and all... honestly the lengthy conversation to me was senseless and going nowhere. The conversation ended with both of us saying "Jia you" to one another. To me it sounded dumb. If you loved film and writing please do it even as a hobby because nothing bad can happen. You will still have your job and have food to eat. Making films full time is a risk, it requires commitment, its a choice you have to made, it takes faith and courage. Your highs and lows will be great, curve will be steep and its not for everyone.
A and B is just 2 recent example.. I don't understand the concern and issue that is facing by them. Maybe they haven't shared fully with me or I just plainly don't understand. A and B haven't had a family yet so why not just give themselves 1- 2 years to commit full heartedly to this passion they have whether its hobby, part time or even full time. To me its that simple. If they choose not to made this decision then why have this passion or desire? You guys have regular jobs, good money... why choose the go through the pain of making films. Making films is so difficult. I felt that we are in different season of our lives, things have changed. We used to be in a crossroad together. Perhaps God put us together to build one another up but the direction that I'm heading to is different now. Okay I need to learn to be calm, collected and to look to the Lord strength to stay cool. Move on Eugene.. move on...Peace bro..peace
